The Blade

A Top Secret envelope arrived in my mailbox today, from my friend Dave Piper who promised a mysterious surprise. Upon opening it up, I found this. Hey, I like secrets! Let's go!

 

 

Cleverly secreted inside was this mysterious object. But by golly, what was it?

 

Hmmm. You know, I've seen this somewhere before, I thought to myself. I guess Dave already knew this, because before I knew it he sent me a drawing of the Soap Tablet of Euphoria!

 

But upon further examination, it was not the fabled soap tablet of Arthurian legend (you can read about it in Historia Saponicus, manuscript CCXVI). If Dave did actually discover this relic, I would have returned it to him, such is its value. And he certainly wouldn't have entrusted it to Australia Post of all people. No, the mystery object had to be something else.

Well then, I wondered, what about the Whetstone of Elation, which is mentioned more than once in the works of Alexandre Dumas?

 

Again, nice try, me, but wrong again. It was the wrong weight and texture to be the fabled whetstone of Dumasian legend. What it was, as it turned out, was something more of use to me – and therefore more valuable. A guitar plectrum, or 'pick' for those of you who speak a more uncultured brand of English.

With its chunky feel, warm tone, and the fact I haven't clumsily dropped it inside my guitar even once, it is a must-try. Thanks, Dave. Ask your purveyor of musical paraphernalia for 'The Blade' today. TODAY, I say!!

 

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 12"

 

 

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 12
Released: 1993 – Polygram
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: None
Other top ten singles: 5
Best track: "Let Me Show You" by K-Klass
Hidden gem: "Roundabout" by Caligula

In my pursuit to collect the first 18 installments of the 100% Hits series, now that I have this one, the 13th volume is the only one I don't have. Stay tuned for whenever that is.

So, let's get into Volume 12. Looking at the cover, you see that someone decided to put the number 12 in Roman numerals. However due to some inexplicable oversight they done screwed up and put "X11" instead of "XII" in every other instance (spine, back cover, etc.). Someone wasn't paying attention in school, were they?

It starts with the atonal caterwauling that opens "Stay" by Eternal, which believe it or not is the second-highest-charting song on this album – it reached number 3 (right behind "Whatta Man", number 2). Huh? It has that tinny mid-'90s dance beat that appeared on so many pop/R&B tracks at the time. The song that follows, "Groove Thang" by Zhané, also uses it only it's a bit less tinny. I'm glad the word "thang" was outlawed a few years after this.

"U R The Best Thang" – sorry, "Thing" – by D:Ream isn't the rave anthem their previous hit "T:hings C:an O:nly G:et B:etter" (sorry, now I'm just being obnoxious) purported to be. In fact it's a real snoozefest, despite it charting at number 9. "I Wanna Dance" by that dweeb Melodie MC wasn't actually as bad as I remembered, in fact it's pretty good! And somehow he lets a few 'swear words' through that surprisingly go unedited here (in the printed lyrics, too). Also note the pause near the start followed by a call of "Ya ready?" which blatantly copies the "Y'all ready fa' dis?" drop from 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready Fa' Dis".

I wish "I Like To Move It" by Real 2 Real had been forgotten after its chart run but no, bloody Madagascar went and revived it. It was irritating as hell then and nothing has changed. The music reviewer in The West Australian asked at the time, "Will somebody shoot The Mad Stuntman?" Yes indeed. I just checked to see if he has indeed been shot but unfortunately he is still alive.

"Shaka Jam" by Kulcha is pretty uninspired and obnoxious (though it did peak at number 7, what was going on there), it uses that same tinny beat and that "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ayyyy" bit is just lame. Were try-hard Aussie 'gangstas' really talking like this in 1994? (Yes.)

It isn't until track 10 that the gear is finally kicked up. "Let Me Show You" by K-Klass is a goddamn banger, and I'll see anyone outside who disagrees! No tinny beats here, just some ace piano-house groove with a female vocal – a mix that'll always rate high with me every time. 

"Return to Innocence" is Enigma's first single to impact the charts since their massive 1991 hit "Sadeness Part 1", and it's a real earworm! Or Ohrwurm, as Germans would have it. Either way, it's good. It uses that Deep Forest trick of blending world-music vocal samples with modern electronic beats and synths, only Enigma's effort is less chillout and more dancebeat, if ya get my drift.

"Laid" by James is one of the stupidest songs ever written. It manages to combine one of the worst band names of all time with one of the worst choruses of all time. It never got higher on the charts than number 40, and I'm not surprised. I think they intended it to be a joyous celebration of lovemaking, but I just find it ham-fisted and inept. Whoever wrote this 'song' should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. The only good thing is it's very short (seems like getting 'laid' didn't last very long, heh heh), in fact it's mercifully the shortest song on the disc.

"Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms still to this day gets airplay on BOZO-FM, having that inoffensive FM Rawk™ sound that is vaguely memorable. Strangely it barely dented the top 30. That's also true for Electric Hippies' "Greedy People" (the part about the top 30 I mean), but it's a superior song yet I've never heard it on the radio apart from the time it was charting (the only single by them to chart). Confusing.

There's a lot of generic pop/R&B guff on here which are easily outshined by the dance tracks. I'm also adding on a point for the running time – the album clocks in at over 76 minutes! Value for money, kids.

Rating: 6/10

A Cartoon Portrait Of Me

Nobody's ever drawn me in cartoon form before, until now! That dubious honour has fallen to Steve Carter and Antoinette Rydyr, better known as SCAR. Whaddya think, did they capture the real me?

Of course they did. But having said that, the sittings for these portraits were quite difficult. I've still got a headache from having the barrel of a tommy gun rammed through my skull. I think you'll agree though that the results were worth it.

Thanks, Ant and Steve. You can see more of their horror, sci-fi and bizarro work at www.weirdwildart.com. Click that link, I flippin' dare ya.