INANE AM RADIO TALK SHOW HOST (MALE): Yeh. Same t'you.
And there we have Christmas sentiment in a nutshell, folks. The time of year when people pretend to care about others' feelings. Yeh. Whatever. Same t'you, lady. Now sod orf. There's 38 more callers waiting on the damn line.
Anyway, even though this is tagged as a Top Ten, it's actually only a Top Five. This is my list of –
Five Japanese Sega Video Games From The Early 1990s With Strange Names!
1. Popful Mail
(Falcom, 1994)
Yes, that is its actual title! A side-on platform game starring a girl called Mail with a big sword. You make her walk around the forest slashing stuff up. Get the picture? The game also has an RPG element to it, in the way that you converse with various characters you meet. Being a CD release it has the obligatory cartoon intro sequence. The English version of it is pretty funny, I have to say.
Isn't that a Pokemon on the right?
Pointy ears, like all elves.
That raccoon-type thing is about to get the chop.
"Intriguing. A happy face on the left, and what looks like a hedgehog on the right. But what's that brown lumpy thing in the middle?"
2. Keio Yuugekitai (Keio Flying Squadron)
(Victor, 1994)
A 2D shoot-'em-up set (oddly enough) in the year 1867 starring a 14 year old girl named Rami who, for reasons best known to the programmers, decides to ride on her flying dragon Pochi to shoot fireballs at marauders wearing nothing more than a bunny girl costume. How many bags of Wizz Fizz did these guys get through when they storyboarded this? Besides all that it's actually a rock-solid game; it was released on PlayStation four years later.
"What do you mean, 'Where's my cocktail'?"
"There sure are a lot of middle-aged married men down there."
Little raccoons in rowboats.
3. Warau Salesman (Laughing Salesman)
(Compile, 1993)
Seriously, you have to watch a clip of this. Even if you don't understand Japanese, this is hilarious. It's also just a little bit effed-up and dark. Not a game as such, it plays out more like an interactive cartoon. You control the leering overworked salesman in a variety of situations, such as drinking in a bar and fondling the girls on either side of you.
Wow, what a title screen.
The eponymous salesman. Creepy.
"Hey, barkeep. Keep the friggin' Suntory comin'."
4. Panorama Cotton
(Success, 1994)
Another weird title, and this time the heroine is a girl called Cotton who flies around on a broomstick shooting at monsters and looking for enchanted candies. Seriously, what are these dudes on. This is a pseudo-3D shoot-'em-up that was never released outside of Japan, and that's too bad, as it looks like fun.
Aw, would you look at that. She's riding on a broom.
Play view. That girl in the purple bikini is just there to distract you.
That purple bikini girl is back for more distraction. And look! More fan service.
5. Time Gal
(Taito, 1993)
This actually hit the arcades in Japan in 1985, but what we see here is the Sega version. A girl called Reika travels through time, and does stuff in different eras. The FMV animation is really good. The programmers put in all these bizarre and sick death sequences for when Reika loses a life – one has her minecart crashing at full speed into a cliff face. In another, she gets stepped on by a dinosaur. One of the future time periods she travels to is the year 2010. It is depicted as bleak and soulless. How did they know?
'Wolf Team'. My my, aren't we enigmatic?
How to pick up women. Tee hee.
Yay! That block I was standing on exploded.
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