Stationery: Rulers And Stencils

I have collected dozens of rulers and stencils over the years and thought I'd share some of them with you. Some are bog-standard, others somewhat rarer. In the photo on the right you can see your typical 15cm and 30cm plastic and metal dealies, along with a couple of rolling rulers for making parallel lines and arcs, as well as that odd metal protractor-with-a-ruler-attached contraption that I was sent from Hong Kong. The small KDK rolling ruler I picked up for spare change in some el-cheapo shop in the late '90s, while the Seikoshi rolling ruler was given to me in 1989.

These rulers here are an odd bunch: the top pink one was a free gift from my internet provider OCN in 2001 when I was living in Japan. The little dog attachment shuttles up and down the ruler when you tilt it. I'm not sure what purpose it serves other than to make a little noise. Next is a Yikes! novelty bendy ruler, bought in 1995, a slide rule given away as a free gift in the late '80s, and one of those bendable rulers for drawing curves with. Can't remember what they're called.

Now, onto the stencils. The ones you see here all date from the mid-'80s to the mid-'90s. The most dirty and used ones are made by Helix and are unbreakable – many a DIY sign back then was made with these. The larger green one was part of a kids' stationery set and was more of a novelty, as was the Gothic font one. Even now in the age of computer lettering, they have their own charm.





Finally we have two map-stencils from the UK and dated 1976; I wasn't born then, but someone in England gave me 'em. The green one is something anyone who attended high school in Australia would recognize: it's a Mathaid 4, a maths template which we used in school back then. They are still being made, so I guess they're still being used in schools. As you can see, unlike my 35+ year old Helix stencils, Mathaids are not unbreakable. But if you wanted to draw parabolæ, bell curves or sine waves, look no further.

One more stationery post, then it's back to business!

Compilation Album Review: "Do It Now!"

Compilation: Do It Now!
Released: 1991 – Warner
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 2 – "Don't Go Now" by Ratcat, "Falling" by Julee Cruise
Top ten singles: 2
Best track: "How To Dance" by Bingoboys feat. Princessa
Hidden gem: "If A Vow" by The Hummingbirds

Here we have Do It Now!, a 1991 'pop'ular music compilation which by my reckoning was the last one released before the 100% Hits series commenced. I was going to review this later, but I may as well...say it with me...do it now!

It starts with its best track, which is typically how things go with these comps. "How To Dance" is seen as being a novelty pop-rap song without much substance (it may also be the first ever song to rhyme 'party' with 'Bacardi' [groan]), but hey, this was 1991. What were you expecting in pop music? Thought-provoking insights about the human condition? Well if you were, too bad. Instead you get a song that likens dancing to sex. Well I never.

Despite all this, actually, because of all this, I really liked "How To Dance" and still do. I was very close to buying the Bingoboys album, but you see, I had limited pocket money for buying cassettes in 1991. I had this rule that I would only buy an album if it had three songs on it that I liked. The 3-song rule served me well during my early teenage years!

After this comes "Ring My Bell" by Monie Love vs. Adeva. I'm not sure about the whole "versus" thing. They don't seem to be competing with each other for lyrical prowess. They let each other take turns on the vocals like any other civilized human beings. I used to make compilation tapes with songs off the radio (Take 40 again) and at first I used to write out only the song titles on the card, not the artist names. My friend Steve saw one of these tapes on a school camp and saw "Ring my bell" there, and wondered why I had a Collette song on my tape. I quickly reassured him it wasn't the Collette song, it just had the same name. Later that day, I got beat up in the dorm. (Not really. But I would have if it had have been Collette.)

Another standout track is "Mea Culpa Part 2" by Enigma. You know, I heard this song played in 1991 on Take 40 (as a one-off since it didn't chart) and liked it; it's still pretty good, but nowhere near as good as "Sadness Part 1", despite its similar structure and instrumentation.

This compilation isn't so hot with high-charting hits. It has the two abovementioned number 1 singles "Don't Go Now" and "Falling", which both only topped the charts for one week. "Don't Go Now" is still a joyous blast of guitars, whereas "Falling" is still an irritable dirge from a sucky TV show. I definitely wasn't watching Twin Peaks when I was 13. I'd rather watch the back of the fridge.

"Soul Eater" by Clouds is on here, and although it was their highest-charting song (the Loot EP, number 22), it hasn't aged too well. Unlike the mighty "Anthem" which was to come later, which is still their finest moment. And speaking of follow-up singles, we also have "Love School" by Divinyls on here, which was the follow-up to the biggest Australian single of 1991, "I Touch Myself". "Love School" only got to number 43, and listening to it now, it's hard to tell why it was picked for the tough job of following-up their previous number 1.

It's basically a tuneless dirge with none of the playfulness (and play with yourself-ness, snigger snigger) of their previous hit. What's funny is that on Do It Now! it's followed by "Blue Hotel" by Chris Isaak which is actually what "Love School" could have sounded like if it had been rocked up a bit and given a shot in the arm to jolt it out of its coma. "Blue Hotel" got to number 23, so draw your own conclusions.

Rating: 5/10

 

Compilation Album Review: "Summer '89"

Compilation: Summer '89
Released: 1988 – BMG Arista/Ariola
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 9
Best track: "Wild Wild West" by The Escape Club
Hidden gem: "Sexy Girl" by Sabrina

This is the compilation I have spent the most on so far! I paid $20.50 for it on eBay, and believe me, I'd seen copies on sale for a LOT more. I'm not sure why I spent so much – it's not like there are any tracks on it I HAD to have – but it looks like a true time capsule item to me. Look at that artwork! That's Australia in the late '80s, innit. This came out at the tail end of 1988 and is called simply Summer '89. Although this is the southern hemisphere so it should be Summer '88/'89 if'n ya wanna be technical about it.

It kicks off with, what else, FARNSEY. In 1988 FARNSEY sat astride the Australian music scene like a...a...big stridey thing. There was no escape from his powerhouse mullet and resplendent vocals (sorry, I'm partial to a bit of adjective swap). That tortured metaphor about the honey and the bee is the only naff part of "Two Strong Hearts", otherwise it's a solid Oz Rok™ tune®. As is Noiseworks' "Touch", heard on commercials for insurance for over two decades, and "If I Could" by 1927, their biggest hit and a fine example of pop-rock they continued into the '90s, but unfortunately not as many people were paying attention.

If you want regular Rok™, there's Bon Jovi, Poison and Guns N' Roses here. But remember, it's only recommended in small doses. You have been warned! Oddly enough it's Poison, with "Fallen Angel", that's the most tolerable of these three.

Yazz was another guilty '80s pleasure. Accept to imitators for the acid-house sound – looking at you, Collette. I reckon you'd need a good dose of helium to sing this, though. Sabrina Salerno's breasts also feature here with "Sexy Girl" – as an example of '80s Italian pop, it's not half bad, although it appears whoever wrote the song forgot to write an ending.

Oh man, that novelty Kylie Mole song, "So Excellent", is on here. For now, just this once, I'll allow it – since Kylie Mole was massive in '88. You want a time capsule of Australia at this time, you can't really leave it out. Seriously, I was 10 at the time and everyone was quoting that chick. Would you believe that the lyrics for this song are nowhere to be found online? However, there is no doubt that the term "go spack" is among them. Ace!

Y'know, I really hated "I Want Your Love" by Transvision Vamp when I first heard it, but I don't mind it now. I guess, as a little kid, I didn't 'get' it. And? The comp closes with "Oh Yeah" by Yello, a song from 1985, but I guess it got a re-release and charted in 1988, reaching the top ten. It seems to fit in quite nicely here.

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '93"

Compilation: Smash Hits '93
Released: 1993 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 19
Number one singles: 3 — "Mr. Vain" by Culture Beat, "All That She Wants" by Ace Of Base", "You Don't Treat Me No Good" by Sonia Dada
Other top ten singles: 12
Best track: "Ebeneezer Goode" by The Shamen
Hidden gem: None, because I've heard them all.

Five months ago, I got The Best Of 100% Hits 93 and here's the Smash Hits equivalent (hey guys, '93' should have an apostrophe). I'm not going to compare the two, but it's obvious this comp is geared towards a pop-loving teen-idol audience, hence the inclusion of Jeremy Jordan, Dannii, Toni Pearen and a couple of other sad tossers. But from a chart performance point of view, 15 of the 19 songs here hit the top ten. Even "Stone Cold" by Jimmy Barnes which I have no memory of how it sounds.

Essential tracks on here are the opener "Mr. Vain", "Ebeneezer Goode" of course and 2 Unlimited's "No Limit", an ace techno anthem if ever there was one. I also liked, and still do, "Jump Around" by House Of Pain which deserved a higher chart peak than number 15. It has outlasted most of the other songs on here in terms of its presence in popular culture, so that reflects rather well on House Of Pain and their 'fine malt lyrics' [sic], I guess.

I also rather enjoy the world music/chillout tune "Sweet Lullaby" by Deep Forest and its Solomon Island native's vocals. Did they pay that person, I wonder?

I had forgotten that Terence Trent D'Arby (who has gone by the name Sananda Maitreya since 2001) reached number 9 with "She Kissed Me". I'd forgotten about this song, but it's really rather good. And even though it's cheesy with some rather naff lyrics, "Rump Shaker" by Wreckx-N-Effect is a guilty pleasure as well – but I wish it had more bass to it. It's a booty tune, dammit!

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "1990 All The Rage"

Compilation: 1990 All The Rage
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 15
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 3
Best track: "The Power" by Snap!
Hidden gem: "Got To Get" by Leila K with Rob N' Raz (although I'd heard bits of it on the Megabass album, I hadn't heard the song in full)

Here's a compilation I have no recollection of when it came out – it sure wasn't an attention-grabber with its minimalist artwork and only three top ten singles on it. It's not bad though – there's a fair bit of stuff that's worth a repeat listen, notably Snap!'s barnstorming first single which put a new slant on dance music and proved themselves serious contenders in their genre, mostly down to the rapping talents of one Durron Maurice "Turbo B" Butler.

The highest-charting single on here is left till second-last, but it's a good'un. "Heart In Danger" by Southern Sons was a song that didn't grown on me till decades later, and it holds up well. Speaking of Oz Rok™, we have 1927. I actually think "Tell Me A Story", the lead single from their second album, is a better song than their biggest hit "If I Could" which somehow epitomizes late '80s pop-rock. And guess what, it is. It only charted at number 17 and the album's follow-up singles pretty much sank without trace, so this really is an under-appreciated song.

The rest of the stuff on here didn't really trouble the upper reaches of the charts, but who cares? You've got Black Box's third single "Everybody Everybody" which didn't do as well as their first two, and Electronic's "Getting Away With It" which only got to number 40 despite featuring that dude from Pet Shop Boys and possibly some dude from New Order. It pretty much sounds like a Pet Shop Boys single and they seemed to do well on the Australian charts, so what gives?

The aforementioned Leila K (pre-drugs) actually serves up a good house number and there's also The Chimes doing a U2 cover which ain't bad. The opening song "Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams is also pretty good – it got to number 8, one place higher than in his native New Zealand.

If you have good memories of the music of early 1990 – and I do – then you could do worse than giving this a spin.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '95"

Compilation: Smash Hits '95
Released: 1995 – Columbia / Sony Music Australia
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 1 – "Back For Good" by Take That
Other top ten singles: 8
Best track: "(He'll Never Be An) Ol' Man River" by TISM
Hidden gem: "Trick With A Knife" by Strawpeople

With a rather smart bowling-themed art conceit, Smash Hits '95 has the best opening track of every compilation I've heard (except Let's Do It 2), with a hit single by TISM – one of my favourite bands of all time. I wasn't a regular reader of Smash Hits magazine in 1995, but my sister was buying it and I'd occasionally read some of hers. I'm not sure if they ever covered TISM in their pages, but I'd like to think TISM's iconoclastic attitude appealed to Smash Hits' writers. So: does the rest of the comp live up to its brilliant opening selection?

Well, your response will vary according to your opinion of pop music in 1995. As per Smash Hits comps, there's plenty of dance tracks on offer. Dance, techno and rap offerings from Tokyo Ghetto Pussy, The Outhere Brothers and Corona keep up the energy level, then there's mid-tier offerings from Ini Kamoze, Interactive and Newton which are okay. And finally, some slow tempo tunes like "Put Yourself In My Place" by Kylie Minogue and the effortlessly cool "Evidence" by Faith No More.

There are two songs on here I'd never heard before which are really rather ace – "Fall" by Single Gun Theory and the Strawpeople track I've chosen as the hidden gem, because it's easily the third-best track on here. So if TISM was best, what was second best? Well, the Smash Hits gang have made the smart decision to end this comp with The Steppers' "Alice, Who The F..k Is Alice?" It's the clean (censored) version, but I don't really care; those bleeps are probably more hilarious than the version where you hear the swearing. Awesome. Any compilation that starts with "I'm on the drug that killed River Phoenix!" and ends with "Alice!...who the fuck is Alice!" will always stay in my good books.

Strike!

Rating: 7/10