R.I.P. Nathan Robertson

I got to know Nathan through the comments section of Gavin Scott's blog Chart Beats (now a full-blown website), when Gavin was recapping charts of the early 1990s. Often Nathan and I would be the only two people commenting. Although we never met personally, I got to know him and we communicated by email now and then, usually about music or chart-related stuff. (Actually I think we might have exchanged comments on Youtube years before that, but anyway...)

Nathan and I were born in the same year, so although our musical tastes were not the same, the early-to-mid-'80s through to the mid-to-late '90s were the heyday of our music listening. We both used to write the chart listings down each week, although his were more detailed than mine. Our interest in the charts also waned at the same time, at the end of the '90s.

As well as a music lover, Nathan was a charts man. Specifically, the Australian charts – as compiled by the Australian Record Industry Association (ARIA) – was his thing. He had a contact at ARIA who he regularly asked for chart stats for particular artists, a few at a time, until he had amassed a sizeable database.

He added me to a mailing list where fellow chart nerds shared their findings, and he shared with me heaps of chart info — albums and singles charts spreadsheets, scans of the Kent Music Report (who compiled the charts prior to ARIA) charts, lists of new releases, and ARIA's own music reports.

Nathan was also a fan of the music video as an art form. He had thousands in his collection, digitized from recording hours and hours of the music video show Rage, many peoples' videotape sources (including mine) and VHS compilations, and was dedicated to preserving the best quality versions of little-known and obscure videos on his Youtube channels. While record company neglect let certain artists and videos fall into obscurity, Nathan and his archives kept their memories alive.

He once said to user AcerBenII on the PopJustice forum, "I think music videos really capture a moment in time; more than just listening to the song. A song can be 'timeless', but a music video rarely is – they're usually quite of their time, which adds a nostalgic element." 

If there's an Australian pop song that exists, chances are Nathan uploaded its video to Youtube at some point. He once won a competition to guest-program an hour of Rage, which went to air on May 1, 2010. Although he wasn't seen on screen like a previous winner, the Rage chyrons included the line "Playlisted by Nathan fron Highton, VIC".

In 2020, Nathan started his own chart recap blog, called Bubbling Down Under, where he recapped only releases that peaked outside the top 100. I designed the logo and background image for the blog. He described it as something of a companion blog to Chart Beats, whose tagline was "A journey through pop", and made his tagline "A journey through flop".

I've never known anyone else with as much knowledge of pop music, chart stats, single releases and music videos as Nathan had. Sadly he lost his battle with cancer on August 9th 2025 at the age of 46, and we are poorer for his loss. My condolences to all of the members of his family. May he rest in peace. 

Eurovision 2024: Don't break the trophy!

Oh, is it Eurovision time again? Can someone get the Swedes to postpone it to another weekend when I'm not stuck in bed with a really bad cold? No? That's a completely pompous request, you say? Then can you ask the CEO of Ikea? No? Management of Ikea is based in the Netherlands now? Since when? Well, that's just ludicrous. A totally wasted international phone call.

Eurovision is being held this year in Malmö, a city I didn't know existed until it was referenced in an off-colour joke in MAD magazine in the late 1990s. They designed a plus-sign-shaped stage with video screen and the artists' green room was actually behind the stage behind two vertically-rising panels which also serves as the video screen backdrop. If you're struggling to visualize this, here's a picture I nicked from some website. 

Ah, Sweden. I missed your irreverent and wacky humour. Petra Mede was once of the co-hosts, and as she did when Sweden hosted in 2013, she sang a song during the voting interval about how Sweden kind of feels bad about winning Eurovision so many times, but don't hate them for it as they just love Eurovision too much. The other host, Malin Åkerman, sang a line about how there's more to Sweden then "depression and Ikea". Of course for some people, depression and Ikea is the same thing.

The only country to improve on its best result was Croatia, who came second, with what was a pretty solid (and loud) song. So, who won? Well, guess what? France has not won Eurovision during my entire lifetime. And after today, that...is still true. But they came 4th, which is a good result for them. The eventual winner was Switzerland, who have not claimed first place since 1988. Their only other win was the very first Eurovision in 1956. It's always good to see a winning drought of several decades being broken.

Speaking of things being broken, Switzerland's singer Nemo broke the glass trophy during the reprise of the winning song. I didn't catch exactly how it got broken, but maybe put it down on the stage before singing next time? Oddly enough this isn't the first time that's happened – Alexander Rybak (Norway) did it in 2009 and I'm sure it's been done on at least one other occasion.

There was a lot of controversy this year, but the biggest item of note for me this year was that Luxembourg are back! A former Eurovision powerhouse with five wins to their name, they last won in 1983 and have been absent since 1993. Returning this year with what was a pretty decent song, they placed 13th in the final. (When Italy returned in 2011 after a 13 year absence, they were rewarded with second place, just as a comparison.)

The age range of the performers this year was 17 to 52. Another thing they did this year was for the first time, the so-called 'Big Six' (the five countries that automatically qualify for the final plus last year's winner) performed their songs during the semifinals, and not during the final only. "Yes, we've found a way to make this show even longer," said Malin Åkerman.

So, to the controversy. Just as the Russian invasion of Ukraine hung over proceedings in 2022, the Israel-Hamas war caused the same situation this year. So here and there you'd get performers or vote announcers advocating for peace and whatnot without directly referencing the conflict. I'm not sure what the penalties are. Cessation of booze rations in the green room perhaps? 

Anyway, there was a lot of booing, audience members turning their backs to the stage, walk-outs, and other things not shown by the cameras. You can read about that in your own time if you want to know more. 

Also, the Netherlands were disqualified. Booted out. Given the old heave-ho. Their singer Joost Klein qualified for the final with a song equally silly and heartfelt (something the Dutch pull off well), but after semifinal 2, the jury results were recalculated so the Netherlands would not receive any points. Their song, which would have been placed 5th in the running order, was skipped in the final – so there was no song in position number 5.

Klein's name was not even mentioned during the final. I could write up the reason why he was disqualified, but I haven't got the energy. So that's another thing you can look up yourself if you feel like reading anti-jury screeds from whiny malcontents.

Here's my annual map, with very few changes. Luxembourg is now blue!

And so...in a year with so much tension between certain countries, the neutral nation of Switzerland won. On a stage that was shaped like their flag. That's a huge plus.

My top ten favourite album covers

Everyone else seems to be doing this at the moment (on Facebook mostly), so here I am to chip in with my 2 guilders' worth. In this boneheaded era of music streaming, album cover art probably seems fairly inconsequential or extraneous. But rest assured, there was a time when it was an all-powerful tool of music marketing (see the satirical cover of XTC's album Go 2 for further details on this), and not just a nicely-posed photo of the artist to make the record look good in-store. 

As such, there are certain album covers whose imagery stays with you, and cements itself with the musical content of the album in your mind, so that visual and audio become one. Much like that famous cover photo of four drugged-out hippie twits crossing a road in London, it is the first thing your brain provides to you when the album title or any of its songs are mentioned.

Here are ten such album covers that stand out for me. They were all released between 1988 and 1994. (Draw your own conclusions. If that conclusion is "No decent album covers were made after 1994", well, I won't argue with you).

Number 10
Throwing Copper
LIVE
1994

My enduring memory of this album is listening to it on the bus on the way to uni in my first year, when I didn't have a car. I didn't have the cover art on my taped copy, but I was familiar with it anyway; how it incorporates a gloomy painting titled Sisters Of Mercy by Peter Howson. The painting, depicting four glum 'working girls' walking a proselytizer off a cliff, was auctioned off in 2005 for 186 grand and now is part of some millionaire's trophy cabinet. Whatever. Like many bands who use a painting by a third party as their album cover, I am not sure what prompted the decision to use it, but despite the attire of the figures in it, it seems to evoke a bygone era and oddly seems to fit with the anthemic and powerful rock sounds and mystical lyrics as well. The significance of the album title eludes me though, as that phrase does not appear in the lyrics of any song.

Number 9
Hot Dogma
TISM
1990

For their second album, This Is Serious Mum commissioned an illustration of Chinese Red Guards in propaganda poster style. All the song titles on the back are written in Chinese, right to left of course, and the Chinese text on the cover translates as "The unification of the proletariat under the banner of TISM". You'd think TISM wouldn't list the proper titles in English at all anywhere on the package — like they did later with the Machiavelli And The Four Seasons album — but they do actually give you the titles here. There is no credited artist for the album cover, but knowing TISM, the artist's name probably is there and listed under something else. You never know with these guys. The liner notes are credited to 'E.J. Whitten', after all. I like the overall treatment here — much like the way the Butthole Surfers' album Hairway To Steven used weird cartoons to represent each song instead of actual song titles.

Number 8
Nonsvch
XTC
1992

Andy Partridge selected the title for his band's 12th album after seeing a drawing of the former Nonsuch Palace in Surrey, which was drawn in 1610 by cartographer John Speed (see the full map here – look in the top right corner). "(Non[e]such) is a very beautiful word," Partridge said. "It was the most marvellous castle ever, covered with gold, sculptures and paints. It was built by that tyrant, Henry VIII, who razed a village for it." John Speed's drawing — the title 'Nonsvch' in his own lettering is retained on the cover — is complemented nicely by the medieval-style lettering on the back cover, where each song on the album has its own illustration, chapbook-style. The whole visual design evokes 17th century art and typography: too bad it has been consistently ruined by mediocre reissues. It deserves much better.

 

Number 7
Zooropa
U2
1993

I don't know what to say about this cover for U2's 8th album. But just look at it! You can tell it was made at the time when rad computer graphics were becoming more prevalent (and hitting critical mass in 1995-96). The disjointed, experimental pop muzak on the record needed a similarly tech-heavy visual treatment (done by Brian Williams). So here we have nine images in a 3x3 grid of TV images, including one of Lenin and one of Mussolini, overlaid with distorted purple text, showing the partial song titles "Wake Up Dead Man", "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me", and "If You Wear That Velvet Dress", all ultimately withheld from Zooropa. On top of all that are twelve digitally drawn yellow stars from the European flag, with an 'astro-baby' in the centre. The whole thing was meant to depict a Soviet cosmonaut floating in orbit after the collapse of the Soviet Union. Did 15 year old me think of any of this when I bought the album? Nah. Although I do remember thinking "Hey, the CD tray is see-through" (they had always been black up until that point. Also, the CD booklet is notoriously difficult to slide into the jewel case, such is the volume of oversaturated images it contains.

Number 6
Apollo 18
THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS
1992

The provenance of this cover art was until recently a mystery to me. As a graphic design student I once wrote an analysis of this image, and was unable to cite the credited artist as anything other than Rolf Conant, which is a pseudonym for band member John Flansburgh. As you may have worked out from the album title, Apollo 18 has several songs with a space theme, and as it turns out, while the band were searching the NASA archives for graphics, they were selected by NASA as Musical Ambassadors for International Space Year. Flansburgh didn't paint the sperm whale and squid himself though. He nicked it from an issue of Fate, a pulp magazine dedicated to the paranormal, from August 1958.

Number 5
Pump
AEROSMITH
1989

This was the first album I owned. I received it on cassette for my 12th birthday. Ten tracks of headbangin' late '80s hard rock as served up by Boston's most enduring hell-raisers. So what's with this cover photo (by that famous artist, American Stock Photography) of an old International Harvester truck, with a smaller identical truck rear-mounting it? Is this some bizarre sexual reference? How did they happen on a stock photo in that 'pose'? And if you look closely you can see "F.I.N.E.", the title of one of the songs, on the side of both trucks in chrome. And then the album is called Pump. What's that all about? I can only assume that someone in the band thought it would be funny. As a result, the entire album feels like it is soaked in petrol.

Number 4
Parklife
BLUR
1994

The archetypal Britpop album detailing, as frontman Damon Albarn put it "The travels of the mystical lager-eater", needed a similarly typically British image as its cover. Food Records boss David Balfe thought that image should be a fruit and vegetable cart, with the album title London. 'Cause art can only get better when the suits get involved, right? The enduring shot of two greyhounds racing (the uncropped photo in the CD booklet shows a third dog, out of focus and cropped out) was the one chosen to embody the lager-and-betting shop lifestyle, taken by sports photographer Bob Thomas (who couldn't believe a band wanted it for an album cover) in 1988. One glance at those greyhounds and you know which album you're dealing with. "Southern England personified", as Oasis' Noel Gallagher put it, and that's right on the money.

Number 3
Nevermind
NIRVANA
1991

This must be a mistake, right? My favourite album of all time, the most iconic album cover of the 1990s, was not number 1 in this list? Well, yes actually. The story of how this cover image came to be is well documented. Kurt Cobain wanted an image that would represent his naive young indie band making their major-label debut and chasing the big bucks that record deal would entail. Except that's a lie, and what really happened is when Kurt shared an apartment with drummer Dave Grohl, they were sitting up one night watching a documentary about underwater births and they thought it would make, as Kurt put it, "a really neat image". He had by then scrapped his idea of calling the album Sheep and decided to use the baby photo as the album cover, adding the fish hook and dollar bill. A stock photo sourced by the label proved too expensive to use, so photographer Kirk Weddle took the photo at a kids' swimming pool. There is a snippet of footage in the video for "Come As You Are" that replicates the cover image, and that song's opening guitar riff echoes the watery theme of the cover art.

Number 2
Lincoln
THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS
1988

The cover of the band's second album, named after John Linnell and John Flansburgh's hometown in Massachusetts (Lincoln Calling was the original title), depicts a secular whimsical shrine built by Brian Dewan. He wanted to have Flansburgh and Linnell themselves in the framed portraits behind the podiums, but according to Flansburgh, "The general on the right side of the cover is my grandfather, and the man with the beard is John Linnell's great-grandfather. We felt funny putting our faces on it, so instead we put the faces of our ancestors on it. It's got this churchlike quality to it, so there's something reverent about it, and then something very twisted about it." 
Twisted indeed. The closer you look, the more questions you have. What are the clocks for? Why do they have thirteen hour markers on them? Why are the mics wired up? Is there going to be a press conference? Why is there no band name or album title on the cover? What is this thing just sitting in a field? Good art always provokes more questions than it answers.

Number 1
The Real Thing
FAITH NO MORE
1989

You might be looking at this thinking: really? This is his top choice? Well, let me explain. This was one of the very first albums I owned (third actually, after Pump and Technotronic's Pump Up The Jam). I still have the cassette. I know every song, every lyric, every funk-metal riff, every drum thrash, every wailing vocal on here, and all of it, every single bit of it, I associate with this image — which I can only describe as an upside-down shot of a cracked riverbed and a blood red sky, sun emerging from the clouds and three flames inside a splashing droplet of milk. As to what it symbolizes, you'll have to work that out yourself. I can't help you there. 

There is no credited artist on this album cover because it was designed by someone at Slash Records and assigned to the album without the band's creative input. It does however feature Harold Edgerton's famous milk droplet photo from 1937, titled 'Milk Drop Coronet'.

Eurovision 2023 Wrap-up

The 67th Eurovision Song Contest has wrapped up and as usual, left us with memories of new artists, new songs, and the obligatory controversies. And as always, my annual stats map. Take a look. Go on, click on it why don't ya.

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Some items of note for the show as a whole:

Sweden was the runaway winner, right from the start of the announcement of the jury votes.

Because of the war, 2022 winners Ukraine were unable to host the contest this year, so the United Kingdom, who were runners-up, stepped in. Hosting duties were given to the city of Liverpool. Ah yes, home of that foursome who hit number one with their first three singles. Remember them? Those guys who were managed by Brian Epstein? What were those guys called again? It'll come to me...

The last time the previous year's winner did not host the contest was in 1980.

No-shows: Russia and Belarus are still banned. Bulgaria, Montenegro and North Macedonia are still out due to lack of finances. 

But guess what — Luxembourg, former Eurovision powerhouse, will be back next year! Their last appearance was in 1993, and they were relegated the following year and haven't showed up since. They've notched up 5 wins from 37 appearances, and they gave us Baccara, Vicky Leandros, France Gall, Plastic Bertrand and Nana Mouskouri for God's sake — they deserve to be back! (Okay, so none of those five were actually from Luxembourg, but my point still stands.)

No country improved on their previous best showing, but this was Sweden's 7th win which means they tie with Ireland's record for most Eurovision wins. 

Australia came 9th with Perth band Voyager, who were really good! They placed 6th at the end of the jury vote points tally (earning two 12-points) and didn't do well in the televote. It turned out that they won semifinal 2, although the semifinal scores are never announced during the show.

For the first time, the Czech Republic competed under the name Czechia, so I have adjusted my map accordingly. 

Every year there's a bonkers entry that appears to make no sense (even if you come from that country). Performance punks Let 3 from Croatia filled that spot nicely this year, with their song containing veiled allusions to the "vile psychopaths" that are the presidents of Russia and Belarus. Overt politics are banned at Eurovision (except in the voting, of course).

So great to see Iceland's Daði Freyr performing a cover of "Whole Again" during the interval of the final, as part of the 'Liverpool Songbook'. He finally got to appear on a Eurovision stage (2020, cancelled; 2021, one of his group had COVID and performed via video link).

Also great was seeing Catherine Tate read out the UK's jury vote results. She was absolutely sloshed, mind you. I was hoping she would say "Am I bovvered", but she instead said "Allons y", which is some Doctor Who thing. Who cares. 

The best jury vote announcer, probably the best one of all time, was Einar Stefánsson from Iceland announcing his country's 12-point recipient. He didn't thank the hosts, or the host city, or go on about how everyone was brought together as one under the banner of music. No. Dressed in a black BDSM costume he slowly took off his mask to reveal another one, took that off to reveal another one, and just said one word in a robotic monotone: "Au-stra-li-a".

Host Graham Norton called him "the slowest stripper ever". I'm surprised they let that guy back on the air after the Palestinian flag incident at the 2019 contest, but I'm glad they did.

Speaking of the voting, something happened this year that cheered up my shrivelled joyless soul. Nearly every single miserable year, and this is the 26th Eurovision I have watched, Cyprus' jury gives its 12 points to Greece, and Greece's jury duly gives its max points back to Cyprus. But this year, Greece didn't qualify, so Cyprus had to give their 12 to someone else! And Greece only gave 4 points to Cyprus. I know, right? The crowd was as stunned as I was. Flippin' bally 'eck lad.

If anyone saw a member of the Ukrainian entry, Tvorchi, in the green room holding up a sign reading 'Ternopil" and wondering what that was all about:

— this was in reference to the fact that Tvorchi's hometown of Ternopil was fired upon by Russian missiles during the show. Apparently they only found this out ten minutes before they went on stage. Ternopil is nowhere near the frontline, in fact it is not far from the border with Poland, so this was a targeted attack.

The various post-show threads on Reddit's Eurovision board certainly had a high sodium content. LOTS of people are enraged at Loreen winning again for Sweden (she also won it in 2012), this time with a song called "Tattoo". Personally I was ambivalent to the winning song, it was just your typical bland Nordic pop track with lyrics about nothing in particular. It didn't really excite me. She can really belt out the high notes for sure, but it was no "Euphoria".

The theories started thick and fast. People were suggesting the results were rigged so that Sweden would win and thus get to host next year, which is the 50th anniversary of ABBA winning with "Waterloo". Until Graham Norton mentioned this anniversary right at the end, I hadn't even thought about it. The fans wanted Finland, who eventually came in second, to win. Even during the vote announcements people were screaming Käärijä's name, and his song title, "Cha Cha Cha". This made the presenters uncomfortable.

Every second person was calling for the jury vote to be abolished. Loreen collected a ton of 12s in the jury votes, but not one in the televotes. 

The so-called 'evidence' of Sweden's win being rigged was that Loreen was the only artist in the green room to keep her microphone during the results (anticipating the reprise of the winning song at end of show).

A lot of fans are of the opinion that previous winners should not be allowed to compete (only one other person, Ireland's Johnny Logan, has won Eurovision twice. Three times if you count songwriter of another winning song). Someone said words to the effect of "I just think it's rude to participate in a competition you have already won before." A counter-argument to this was "Eurovision is not a charity event, or a platform to 'give someone else a chance'." So, what say you? Heaven, Hell, or I dunno, Heck?

As for me, I won't be getting on the Sweden hate train. I'll be back next year, doing what I've done for years, and that is checking out some cool new European bands and singers that Eurovision exposed me to. See ya!

***

...ah yes, now I remember who that band was. Gerry and the Pacemakers!

Compilation Album Review: "Can't Beat The Music Volume 3"

 

Compilation: Can't Beat The Music Volume 3
Released: 1992 – BMG
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 1 – "Jump" by Kris Kross
Top ten singles: 4
Best track: "Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap
Hidden gem: "Gonna Get High" by The Dukes

It's been a while since I did one of these, isn't it? Seven months, to be precise. It's taken until July 6, but I finally got my first retro compilation CD for 2022, unearthed in the Bairnsdale Emporium in Victoria's Gippsland region, which you really should visit if you haven't already.

It's the third and final volume of the Can't Beat the Music series from 1992, and it's taken me nearly five years to the day to get all three. I got Volume 2 in July 2017 and Volume 1 in December 2020. So the trilogy is complete – let me fill in the stats section above and let it spin. Hmmm, the tracklisting ain't exactly setting the charts on fire, is it? After all chart music is why we're here. Maybe that was why there was no 4th volume of this. Anyway, no need to be poncy about it, let's go back in time 30 years to that magical year of 1992, when pop stars actually had personalities and IQs above negative 10. Join me, won't you?

This collection of tracks kicks off with "Please Don't Go" by K.W.S., which I learned from listening to Take 40 Australia (Saturday nights, 6:30pm, 6PM-FM Western Australia) was a cover of some hokey song from the '70s. In attempting to update it for the '90s they have managed to make it sound even more hokey with their stupid ad-libs. It comes off as sounding like a demo rather than the finished studio version of a song. The buying public sent it to number 2, so go figure.

"Take A Chance On Me" by Erasure is an ABBA cover. Personally I think the world would be better off without ABBA covers, but these guys saw fit to record an EP full of them. It got them their first and only number 1 in their native UK, so what do I know. I've heard Erasure's ABBA-esque EP cited as responsible for the ABBA revival in 1992 (there was a re-release of "Dancing Queen" charting around this time), but I can't say I'm on board with this theory. Actually, not too many people know this, but in Australia if you don't like ABBA you get deported to Stockholm for mental reprogramming, a process that usually takes ten years. Re-admittance is only granted on a successful performance of "Mamma Mia", complete with dorky actions.

Speaking of UK acts that got their first and only number 1, it's those inane bozos Right Said Fred with "Deeply Dippy". As Todd In The Shadows pointed out, which I wasn't aware of, it wasn't "I'm Too Sexy" that got them a number 1, it was this. The song everyone knows them for didn't get to number 1 in the UK, but this one did. In Australia it was different, where "I'm Too Sexy" got to number 1 but "Deeply Dippy" only managed number 38. Music arrangement-wise, it's a much better song. Gone are the tinny dance beats and amateurish recording – not that I can talk (I remember reading in Smash Hits that "I'm Too Sexy" was recorded in a gym...is this true?) – we can actually hear real instruments being played here. And what does he say right at the end? "I'm takin' a hike to Tahiti?" Is that some bizarre sexual innuendo?

"Jump" is still a great track, mind. I thought it was strange two kids the same age as me had a charting single!

"Workaholic" is next, my least favourite single by Eurodance duo 2 Unlimited (that is a very unflattering photo of them on the cover, isn't it?). He rhymes "workaholic" with "alcoholic", which is the only thing worth noting about the lyrics. It only got to number 35 in Australia, and quite rightly – it's too much of a mishmash of styles. "Get Ready For This", their debut and best single, had a clear agenda. It had elements that synced up and no part of it was superfluous. The same cannot be said about "Workaholic". It's all over the place like a lunatic's dung. However, there is one country where this bizarre cacophony got to number 1. If you can guess it right, I'll buy you a beer at the Breakfast Creek. Answer at the end of this post.

"Rhythm Is A Dancer" is one of the best dance tracks of the '90s! What a 'banger', as the 'youth of today' tend to say. Things are picking up here. Oh and then comes Faith No More with "Midlife Crisis" – written by Mike Patton when he was 24 – a great song, and deserved to get higher than number 31. I've heard this live, and it blew the roof off the joint!

After that it's the all-female rock band L7 with "Pretend We're Dead"! How edgy. Don't cut yourself on that edge, edgelords. Just kidding, it's actually a good song. Not as good as their track "Shove", but still good. I wrote a parody of it in 1992 called "Pretend We're Pink". No, I can't provide a sample of the lyrics. I used to write heaps of songs but only wrote the lyrics down if I wanted someone else to see them.

Sadly, after this point the songs get a bit obscure. I hadn't heard of, or heard, most of the remaining ten tracks. There's a song by Girl Overboard, the first song I've heard by them since 1990. They actually rock out a bit on it! Well I never. Sophie B Hawkins and Annie Lennox are in there and it's pretty forgettable. Ditto Rick Price and his off-key warbling. You will get a sugar high from all the saccharine he serves up, and your sleep patterns will be interrupted by intermittent bawling. 

"Gonna Get High" by The Dukes is pretty good, just for this line: "I'm gonna get high once/I'm gonna get high twice/I'm gonna get high thrice". Yeah, I know, Bruce Springsteen has nothing to worry about. But for CENTURIES now I've been waiting for the word 'thrice' to show up in a pop song, and here it is! Hidden gem for this alone.

Rating: 5/10

 

 

 

Answer: Zimbabwe

China 5's 20th Anniversary!

It was 20 years ago today that I started China 5, my alternative/electronica music project. I was living in Japan at the time, and had to find an outlet for all the bleep-pop Fruityloops stuff I was doing on my little Fujitsu Biblo laptop. China 5 was only intended to exist for one album (a soundtrack to a video game that didn't exist), however it lasted ten whole albums (Paradise, Battery, Hypnotist, Republic, Quarantine, Safari, Widdershins, Tigerbear, Confusion and Anarchy) and a few collaborators before I decided to retire it in 2020. Goodbye, we are gone, see you later, see you never...

Here's a video I made for a song called "Brain" which appears on the final album, Anarchy. It was created back in 2020 using the Chrome Music Lab, a website that lets you experiment with making songs and whatnot. That's where I nicked the graphics from, as you can probably tell. As it turned out, "Brain" was the very last China 5 song to be recorded! It's only 35 seconds long, so as the concluding entry in the canon, it's quite satisfying.

I was about to add that "Brain" is also the last China 5 video too, but that's not quite true – I was working on another video after that, and had most of the footage for it, but never finished editing it. Oh well. If I ever get round to finishing it, you'll see it right here.

Eurovision 2022 Wrap-up

Ciao, ragazzi! It's that Eurovision time of year again! Three days of blinding stage lights, long-haired rocker dudes, singers in weird masks, and 2020s sad girls. This year's Eurovision Song Contest comes to you from the city of Torino, or Turin if you're a bit of a bore. Italy previously hosted the event in Napoli in 1965, and Rome in 1991. This time, the city of Fiat, The Italian Job, and burial shrouds of dubious provenance got its turn to play host.

Like last year I got up at idiot o'clock to see the final live, after watching semifinal 1 on streaming (dodgy) and semifinal 2 on TV the preceding two nights. It's a punishing schedule of Euro-viewing but someone's got to do it.

The first semifinal was somewhat disappointing. After the grandiose 2021 contest, the abstemiousness was evident in several understated entries – someone unkinder than I might say 'flaccid' – getting through to the final, while superior entries did not. Perhaps this is yet another side effect of the dreaded COVID. The second semifinal continued in a similar vein. I know, I'm hardly in a minority here. Everyone wants to see their favourite entries progress to the final. But come on. When Georgia and Denmark are overhauled by morose rubbish from The Netherlands and (particularly) Greece, how can you not get just a tad sceptical.

You see, when you reach the point in life when you start to become a jaded old cynic – which typically happens when your age begins with the number 4 (and boy, are those 400 year olds as cynical as they come) – you really couldn't give a toss when some singer half your age wants to vent their feelings about how tough life is (Greece and The Netherlands again). You just want to yank them off stage from behind the curtain with a hooked stick.

It wasn't all bad news though – my favourite entries from each semifinal, Moldova and Serbia, made it through. Both of these were unconventional songs, Serbia's being just plain weird. But you should know by now that 'weird' always ranks very highly in my book, especially at Eurovision. It was titled "In Corpore Sano" and was kind of a spiritual successor to the almighty "Shum", Go_A's 2021 entry from Ukraine (stylistically, if not thematically).

On to the final. And yes, I have to mention it.

Now of course, there has been a pall of unease hanging over Eurovision proceedings for nearly three months. The atrocities taking place in Ukraine could not go unacknowledged. Following the Russian invasion several broadcasters called for Russia to be removed from participation, which it was, as well as from the European Broadcasting Union itself. This means Russia has lost broadcasting and participation rights for the foreseeable future (as far as I know).

In a similar vein Belarus was out, too. They received a three-year ban from the EBU for their broadcaster being used as a propaganda tool. The other no-shows were for the same reasons as in previous years: Liechtenstein (not enough money), Bosnia-Herzegovina (ditto), Andorra (stuffing around), Turkey (still fiddle-faddling) and Luxembourg (who the hell knows).

In one sense I'd like to think of this situation as the Eurovision family banding together when one of its brothers is being bullied and attacked, but of course it's infinitely more complicated than that. 

If you read my wrap-up of the 2021 Eurovision you'll note that one thing stands out in my list of observations and that's Russia and Ukraine conspicuously not awarding any points to each other during the final jury vote. We will never know how many points the Russian jury would have awarded Ukraine had they been able to participate. As it was, Ukraine's entry, a folk-rap group called Kalush Orchestra were able to perform their upbeat but melancholy song "Stefania" with Russia absent. And so the big question was, would they receive enough sympathy votes to win the contest?

Well, of course they would!

I was pleased to see the United Kingdom come 2nd after a seemingly interminable run of lousy results. They also came 2nd in 1998, the year I started watching Eurovision, but since then it's been nearly always a disappointing result. They came last in 2003, 2008, 2010, 2019 and 2021, and the bottom five another six times since then. Needless to say (but I will anyway) this was a bloody long time coming. In fact, Sam Ryder and his song "Space Man" was on top of the voting tally after the jury vote phase, but was knocked off the top spot by Ukraine who got 439 votes in the televoting phase (which incidentally is the highest number of televotes ever given out).

I'm not sure if this number of votes was a collective "up yours" to Putin, a show of support for Ukraine, a genuine love of "Stefania", or a love of furry pink bucket hats. But as I suspect – maybe all of the above.

But kudos to Sam Ryder! Makes yer proud to be British, it do.

Special mention must also go to Spain, the country with the longest winning drought, who came 3rd. That's their best result since I started watching in 1998, and they've come last twice and placed in the bottom five 10 (!) times since then. Needless to say (but I will anyway) this was a bloody long time coming. Makes yer proud to be a Spaniard, it do. Not that I am. But I would be if I was.

Well, there's not much else to say except to wheel out my ESC stats map once again, and since just like last year no country improved on its best result, there wasn't a whole lot to amend – so I changed the typeface which hopefully improves its legibility.

Any trivia? Well apart from the UK and Spain getting their best results since the '90s, it was the first time none of the songs were in French. Belgium and Switzerland didn't use it, and the French themselves sung their song in Breton. I think it's also the first time Latin has been used as well. Take that, antiquated linguistic hegemony!!

Oh yeah, and I'm glad I got up at 5am to see it live for another reason: you don't get all those unfunny tweets and Tiktok videos between the songs. (See previous remark about age starting with 4)

Arrivederci!

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '90"

Compilation: Smash Hits '90
Released: 1990 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Epic" by Faith No More
Other top ten singles: 10
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne

Ah, it's another Smash Hits compilation for my compilation shelf. Good-o. Not only was 1990 the year I started following the charts – as I've said 16 thousand times on this blog – but it was also the year I started reading Smash Hits. It only cost $1.98 at the time (which left me a grand total of two cents left over from my weekly pocket money), and although they put the price up to $2.25 soon after, it was still a bargain. Top 50 chart listings! Song lyrics! Posters! Amusing readers' letters! Pre-internet pop trivia like Craig McLachlan's dog's name (it was 'Bottom', the dirty sod!) Witty and sometimes absurd commentary on pop stars' shenanigans! This mag had it all. 

The songs on this album all bring back vivid memories of Year 7, my last year of primary school. And I was one of the few kids in my class who read it. So naturally I could recite up-to-the-minute chart info that made me seem like a guru to the other kids. Such as: "Black Betty" was an old song from the '70s, and M.C. Hammer was once in a Honda motorbike commercial, and stuff like that.

I paid $11.50 for this, which believe it or not, makes it the second-most expensive compilation CD out of the 63 I've collected so far! (Summer '89 tops that list at a wallet-busting $20.50.) But, you see, being the devotee of Smash Hits' compilations that I am, I had to have it. 

I should point out that a compilation of the same name was also released in the UK, so if you're searching for it online, don't get the two mixed up. Considering the rubbish that was in the UK charts in 1990, this is critical.

Unfortunately the CD booklet doesn't have the chart stats and facts that Smash Hits '89 had or the lyrics that Smash Hits '91 has. It just has photos of all the 17 artists featured. It's a bit disappointing there was no commentary from the mag itself, and as I recall it was advertised in every issue on release. My copy is stamped "Promotion Only – Not For Sale" though, so maybe they changed that.

The compilers have chosen to start with three rock tracks in "Lay Down Your Guns" by Jiminy Barnes, "Dogs Are Talking" by The Angels and Faith No More's epic, "Epic". This choice is rather unusual when you consider that Smash Hits '89 started with Indecent Obsession, Sinitta and Bros, and Smash Hits '91 with C+C Music Factory, Yothu Yindi and De La Soul. But hey, I'm not complaining. Rock on.

Barnesy is the one to kick-start this compilation with the usual throat-shredding you'd expect from him, then it kicks into a higher gear with "Dogs Are Talking", one of the first hard rock songs I heard (and which fell one place short of the top 10). I still like it, although I have no idea what "Dogs are talking" might mean. I thought it could be about gossiping! But the verses and the slightly naff spoken-word bit at the beginning makes it clear that the song is about some dude wanting to get his rocks off with a girl – that most unconventional subject matter for popular music.

"Epic" is still one of the best songs ever recorded. And it's also the only number 1 single on here. If they were going to pick one number 1 single to be on here, they could have picked "Vogue", or "Opposites Attract", or even "Nothing Compares 2 U", 1990's year-end chart-topper, but they went with "Epic". Top marks.

"Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams isn't a song I've really listened to in the intervening 31 years but it doesn't sound too bad. Ditto Belinda Carlisle and "Summer Rain", and The Chimes' cover of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". They're not bad, they just didn't really grab me in 1990. I heard them many a time from watching Rage, though. I didn't like "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne, I preferred the follow-up single "I'll Be Your Shelter" – and Smash Hits slammed it in their single reviews! It actually outcharted "Love Will Lead You Back" by 7 places, reaching number 4.

I don't mind "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli, with its lyrical theme of how you'd rather blame anyone else but yourself for your own mistakes. As for the not performing on the record thing, that isn't something I really think about, as sad as a story as it was, with the untimely death of one of the members. It does sound a bit tinny for a 1990 dance single, but that's part of its charm.

Boy, New Kids On The Block were bloody awful, weren't they? Every song of theirs had the same clunky drum machine and "Huh!" vocals with tons of echo applied. Absolute ham-fisted junk. But given their readership, they had to put a single by these idiots on. Following this is Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2's "Mona". One of the readers accused the magazine of being on his payroll because there was a poster of Craig in every issue. There was, though. Apart from maybe NKOTB, there were probably more posters of him than any other pop star in the mag in 1990.

The sadly departed Guru Josh and his ace rave-trance anthem "Infinity" is sandwiched between the two Minogue sisters. And what an absolute banger it still is. I never got to hear it in its proper nightclub context, but it's one of the highlights of 1990 music for me. The piano break, the sax, the synth chords – what a song.

As for Dannii and Kylie Minogue – absolute pap! "Love And Kisses" was one of the worst songs I'd ever heard. It still is. Dannii can't hold a tune at all, and as for her attempts to sound "black and funky" – and that's her own description of the song as quoted in Smash Hits – well let's just say Janet Jackson has nothing to worry about (come to think of it, she should be on here instead). As for Kylie, "Better The Devil You Know" is marginally better  – listening to it through headphones as I type this, I can hear house piano chords in there – but it's standard Stock Aitken Waterman fare. 

So, how about some chart stats trivia? Which song got higher on the charts, "Love And Kisses" or "Better The Devil You Know"? Give up? Well as it happens, they both reached the same position, number 4. But I regret to say that Kylie only held that position for one week, while Dannii managed three weeks there, as well as a longer chart run. Rats.

Oh man, I can't even listen to Concrete Blonde's "Joey", it's so turgid and depressing, and just plain crap. Sorry, but it is. I didn't think it was possible for a performer to have absolutely zero charisma but there you go.

Three songs from the end now and it's the only song on here I haven't heard, "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne. Hey, I thought you know every song that charted in 1990, you big wazzock, you must be thinking. And I do! But this song didn't chart at all. I can't even remember Scott Carne being covered much in the pages of Smash Hits. I looked him up and he was the singer from '80s Melbourne band Kids In The Kitchen, so maybe teenagers older than me would know who he was. His song was about 'makin' lurve' and othersuch frivolous pursuits, which was of total disinterest to me at the age of 12. Next.

The slow ballad "Southern Sky" by Paul Norton is the penultimate track, and I read its lyrics printed in the mag before I heard the song itself. I'm not into ballads or anything patriotic either, but the opening lines kinda got my attention. They are "It was Australia Day 1985 / Nothin' much was going on then / Sittin' in the same old dives". I wasn't in Australia in 1985 but I'd say that rings true. Bored senseless by your own country's national day – I can relate to that!

"Escaping" by Margaret Urlich finishes the album. Again, not a song that really grabbed me in 1990. Perhaps listening to it through headphones as an adult might change my opinion. Let's see, I can hear what sounds like a cricket chirping. That's not a joke by the way, I can actually hear it in the mix, although it's probably synth-generated. It's an okay song I s'pose, with nice enough instrumentation. Musically it's much more layered and varied than the rubbish Dannii Minogue or NKOTB serve up. I guess it was too mid-tempo for most people, although it was her highest-charting single.

And now I'm 'escaping' this blog post – see ya!

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 13"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 13
Released: 1994 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Hidden gem: "4-Letter Word" by Chocolate Starfish

It's happened, friends. My quest to collect the first 18 volumes of the 100% Hits series has concluded. It's Volume Lucky 13. Or is it? There aren't really many songs that troubled the upper reaches of the charts on here. Still, low chart positions don't mean low quality. So let's take this one for a spin.

It starts with one of the worst novelty songs ever, "Absolutely Fabulous". It's credited to Absolutely Fabulous, that naff UK sitcom from the '90s, but it's ostensibly the Pet Shop Boys. Who cares. It sucks. I even listened to the whole thing to remind me of its irrevocable suckitude. Next.

"Son Of A Gun" by JX was a dance track I thought was really stupid when I first heard it – I couldn't believe a banger like "You Belong To Me" the following year was by the same 'group'! However it has grown on me. It's got this weird melancholy bit in the middle which jars with the upbeat hook of the song, which I can see taking out, to be honest.

Oh boy, 1994 was a big year for 'gangsta rap'. Which I'm not really into, but no matter. We've got Kulcha here with their usual schtick about some girl who "got it goin' awn". Whatever. Then Salt N' Pepa, who also get on my nerves, but "Heaven N' Hell" does have a couple of funny lines. Too bad whoever rapped the third voice will shred your eardrums. I'm not too interested in songs about life in the ghetto and how the "youth" will be "enlightened". I don't really care. What's next?

Oh, it's "Take Me Away", by D:Ream. It never charted, so I'd never heard this before. It's got a male and female vocalist, so that's a point in its favour. I like that in my '90s dance singles. It does sound a bit too much like M People for my liking, as in, the type of music you hear in clothing shops and whatnot. But it's got that house music wail in there, which was in a lot of '90s house tracks.

Apparently Joshua Kadison's soppy ballad "Jessie" is written about his break-up with 'actress' Sarah Jessica Parker. Oh lawd. Marcia Hines is next, with "Rain". This is years before she was a judge on some crappy music talent show so I had no idea who she was. The song's alright. Then we've got some enduring geriatrics in The Rolling Stones. "Love Is Strong" sounds like a blues bar ballad. Another song that didn't crack the top 40, so I never heard it. Thankfully The Sharp can rock it up after this with "Alone Like Me", although it's not my fave song by them (but it was the highest-charting).

Chocolate Starfish. Ergh. What a horrible band name. "4-Letter Word" is pretty rockin' though, even though it's yet another song about a girl who got it goin' awn. And for those of you who are wondering if they say the 4-letter word in question, they don't.

Collective Soul's "Shine" is okay but I wish they'd taken quicker to get to the increased tempo part. Many a bong must have been smoked to this, probably in the very studio where it was recorded. "American Life (In The Summertime)" by Francis Dunnery. It got to number 18, but I don't recall hearing it all that much. The guitar solo is pretty great, though. I'd forgotten about "I Believe" by Marcella Detroit, even though it reached number 10. Pretty good chorus, you'd think I would have remembered this.

"Black Hole Sun" is still Soundgarden's finest moment and I still can't forget their weird distorted suburbia video for the song. Brilliant! I've also seen the black doughnut-like sculpture in Seattle that inspired the song. I can't believe Rage aired the video with a scene showing a woman clearly enjoying a massive vibrator. The '90s were like that, kids. Slacker anthems abounded. Speaking of which, it's followed by another alternative rock classic in Green Day's "Longview", the first song of theirs to chart. I'm surprised they didn't censor the swearing here!

"Tunnel" by The Screaming Jets is another song I'd never heard. It's got a brass section on it, which is pretty cool. Then it's some bloke called Jon Secada. It's alright. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders is the final song. I remember it was being used (in full) in a three-minute ad for an animal protection society, I forget which – and that's all I can think of now when I hear this tear-jerker. Be nice to animals, folks.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990"

 
Compilation: Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 7 – "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul, "U Can't Touch This By M.C. Hammer, "Epic" by Faith No More, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart, "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C., "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 11
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: None because I know all these songs like the back o' m'hand, young whippersnapper.

I remember when this compilation came out. I saw it being advertised on TV. But I didn't get it, probably because I already had Let's Do It 2. I should have though. This is as close to the best collection of the hits of 1990 as you'll ever get. It is very difficult to separate it from LDI2 however, as that wasn't a year-end retrospective, but it doesn't get much better than this.

The back cover very handily gives the chart stats for each track – each song's highest chart position and the date it got there, and how many weeks it spent in the charts (as at October 29, 1990). So if you read my little stats at the top there, you'll have worked out that every song on here either reached number 1 or made the top 10. The lowest chart position reached by any of these singles was number 5. Get the picture, sunshine?

These 18 songs are burned into my brain. I've mentioned this before, and if you've read a few of these reviews you're probably sick of reading about it, but 1990 was the year I started following the charts weekly and as such, I recall everything about them when I saw them on Rage. Now that doesn't mean I like all these songs. I like most of them, sure, but not all. "Joey" by Concrete Blonde for example is a painful dirge that should not have charted anywhere near the coveted number 2 position it reached, the track by Heart is ham-fisted dreck, and Absent Friends' "I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You" (how many times have I told these people NOT to use double negatives in song titles) is a ballad and you know how I feel about those.

But buying compilations – and I've got a few – means that you also have to hear songs you don't like. And that's okay, because they were still part of the musical landscape for that era and they bring back memories just as your favourite songs do. You might not want to listen to them more than once but don't tell me you can't remember the lyrics.

The actual CD is imprinted with the name Nothing Compares To The Best Of 1990, which makes me wonder if that was the original title. Or it could just be a misprint by a lackadaisical pressing plant employee. It could be one or the other. Maybe both. It's also too bad that the artist who did the detective comic-style cover is uncredited – in fact there are no liner notes whatsoever.

I'm not going to give my usual remarks on selected songs because you should know these songs by now. What, do I look like Wikipedia to you?? But seriously, if you haven't heard of any of the seven chart-toppers listed above then you are either born after 2000 or dead from the ankles up. Maybe both.

Never has a compilation album title been truer. And "Epic" is still one of the best things ever recorded.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Rating: 9/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hitz Blitz"

Compilation: Hitz Blitz
Released: 1990 – Possum
Number of tracks: 16
Number one singles: 1 – "Swing the Mood" by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers
Other top ten singles: 1
Best track: "Get Up (Before The Night Is Over)" by Technotronic
Hidden gem: "Back To My Roots" by FPI Project featuring Sharon Dee Clarke

First up, I think this is the 60th compilation CD in my collection! Considering I only expected to collect about 20 of these, it's quite surprising. Of course, a couple of those 60 are not your typical chart compilation but a genre compilation, and this is one of them. It's a collection of dance and house music tracks, all but two of them from 1989. As such, only a handful of these songs actually charted. The abovementioned Jive Bunny track is the only number 1 song on here.

Let's look at some of those phrases on the cover. "No slow songs", says one. Well, that suits me fine, CD cover art. No room for slow jamz™ on a dance comp. If you want to slow dance, go act out your 1980s teen rom-com fantasies elsewhere. Another such phrase that caught my eye was "No breaks between the hitz". At first I thought they did crossfades between each track — a technique used to great effect on XTC's 1982 album English Settlement, which I highly recommend you listen to — but no, it just means there is no two-second gap between tracks. 

Right, let's begin. The album kicks off with "Italo House Mix", a medley by Rococo which actually charted in Australia at an impressive number 13, making it the third highest-charting song on here. It's not bad (although a few songs in the medley aren't strictly 'Italo'). When they get to the portion of "Pump Up The Jam" by Technotronic, the unnamed members of Rococo sing "Shake your booty on the floor tonight" when the actual lyric is "Get your booty on the floor tonight". That has always bothered me for some reason. Not that I can talk. I frequently record other people's songs and stuff the lyrics up.

Next it's "Baby Don't Forget My Number" by Milli Vanilli, also a hit here. It had a 38-week run on the charts, which was very impressive in 1990, but despite that it never got any higher than number 17. Just another random chart fact for you. It's also one of those songs where I hear the Weird Al parody lyrics when I listen to it, instead of the real lyrics. 

Next is "Warning" by Adeva which sounds like the vocals were rehearsed maybe once or twice before they were recorded, then it's two songs I'd never heard by two singers I'd never heard of. Dina Carroll and Johnnie O, anyone? They're alright. Then it's "Get Up". Before the night is over. And you should. Ya Kid K is the one. I actually like this song a whole lot more than I did in 1990, and I loved this song in 1990. It was the first song I ever put on my CD player and turned the volume up full bore.

"Blame It On The Boogie" is a song I have to listen to somewhat regularly at work, and it's not a song I'm particularly fond of, either in the original Michael Jackson version, or this one by three grinning wallies in yellow jackets, Big Fun. They aren't. Next. "With Every Beat Of My Heart" by Taylor Dayne. Hey, didn't she do big rock power ballads and whatnot? I guess not.

Next is "Numero Uno" by Starlight, another solid slice of Italo house, which reached number 23 on the Australian charts. It's better than the Rococo single which outcharted it by 10 positions. After this is sadfish muzak maestro Lisa Stansfield with "This Is The Right Time", another one of those inoffensive pop tracks from the late '80s. I'd never heard of Jam Machine, but their track "Everyday" fits right in here. It seems to be another one of those Italo tracks where they cobbled together the entire vocal line from samples.

I'd never been particularly interested in Soul II Soul and their generic late '80s dance pop which used to have the same beat on every track, not to mention the singer's stupid-looking hairstyle. Still, they were a big influence on Yuzo Koshiro who did the Bare Knuckle/Streets Of Rage video games soundtracks. This song of theirs, "Jazzy's Groove", is him doing a spoken word bit over one of their typical backing tracks. It's all very Bri'ish, guv', kno' wha' I mean, you wazzock?

"Messages" by Go 101 — I'm pretty sure they were a Melbourne band. How many times have Melbourne bands come up on these compilations — zero? They're not bad; the sax sound makes this track stand out a bit. Then there's something called "Back To My Roots" by FPI Project featuring Sharon Dee Clarke. Heard of them? Me neither. But they do use that "Wooh!"/"Yeah!" sample over some house piano chords that sound identical to "Mary Had A Little Boy" by Snap! which came out a year later. I picked it for my hidden gem, as you may have noticed.

Girl Overboard? They're not a dance act, are they? Well, in any case, "I Can't Believe", a mid-tempo pop-rock tune, is on here. It definitely stands out as it's from a totally different genre. Not to say it's a bad song, but what gives? This song did chart, peaking at number 43, if you care to know. Which you don't. That's okay. We can't all be interested in Girl Overboard chart stats, can we?

The sole number 1 single is the last track on here: the aforementioned "Swing The Mood". If you don't like medleys of 1950s rock n' roll hits, you won't like this, or the two follow-up singles Jive Bunny put out, all of which went to number 1 in the UK. You can definitely dance to it, if you're so inclined. Probably not in the same way you'd dance to Technotronic, but there you go, old bean. Perhaps they put it as the last track as a nice 'comedown' to all the house music workouts that have been assaulting your ears for the previous 56 minutes. I wish there had been more vocals in it though. That goes double for you, Rococo.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Take 40 Australia #1"

Compilation: Take 40 Australia #1
Released: 1991 – Mushroom
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 7
Best track: "Last Train To Trancentral" by The K.L.F.
Hidden gem: I've heard all of these songs before. I listened to Take 40 Australia every week in 1991!

Well yes, I did. 1991, the year this CD came out, was the year I started listening to it. I did this for two reasons: to tape my favourite songs off the radio, and also because for some reason which I have never been able to ascertain, when they did the Top 40 countdown they always did it for the previous week and not the current week. I didn't mind the one week discrepancy because it meant that if I didn't get up early enough to catch the Top 20 on Rage, I could use Take 40 to fill in the blank spaces in my Top 20 chart book the following week. What a saddo I was!

Also: I was in Year 8. What else was I gonna do on a Saturday evening – homework?? Get real, man!

Anyway, it was essential listening and the host, Barry Bissell, was always entertaining. He'd hosted the Saturday evening show from its inception in 1984 until 2004. The show was eventually cancelled in 2016. But thirty years ago, I'd have my radio tuned to 6PM as it was then, blank cassette tape at the ready.

I've got a soft spot for the pop music of 1991. It was a good time to follow the charts, and probably the midpoint of a golden age, of sorts. The vast majority of the songs on my Top 100 of All Time list are from the years 1990-1992 alone. I had just started high school and was discovering new cool songs every single week. It was an exciting time!

I'm not sure why they waited seven years to put out a Take 40 compilation, but it's funny that it happened to come out in the year I started listening to the show. They called it Take 40 Australia #1 but there aren't any number 1 singles on it. Oh well. There was no Take 40 Australia #2, either, although there were four more Take 40 compilations released between 1995 and 2003.

There's a lot of Australian content on this album – it is a compilation for an Australian radio show after all – and it's Noiseworks that kick things off with their last big hit single "Hot Chilli Woman". I don't mind it, but it was the long-delayed follow-up single to "Freedom", which is my favourite Noiseworks song.

Then it's "Hey Stoopid", an anti-drug song by Alice Cooper. In 1991, I didn't know who this dude was, and only from reading Smash Hits did I discover that he'd been around since the '70s and did mock-theatrics on stage like getting guillotined and whatnot. Crazy, man. It would be another year before I saw him in Wayne's World and thought "It's the 'Hey Stoopid' guy!" We're not worthy!!

Who's next? Hmm, it's Transvision Vamp. "If Looks Could Kill" is hardly one of their typical rawk n' rawl numbers. From what I recall they basically disappeared after this single and the parent album wasn't up to scratch. Then comes Kylie Minogue and "Shocked", and no, she still can't sing. She is the second-best vocalist on this track. The featured rapper Jazzy P is best. Isn't it a bit weird how the final chorus fades out so abruptly? Get it together, Stock Aitken Waterman!

After Kate Ceberano, C+C Music Factory and Yothu Yindi, fine dance/pop singles all, we get to the mighty KLF. Those guys really knew how to put out brilliant and catchy pop music, be it dance bangers, stadium house anthems, synth/trance, or more rock-pop-electro stuff – and their featured rappers were always great, the one here being the late Ricardo Da Force. The synth/string break on this song is one of the best interludes ever. All the elements of a hit pop single are present here: it reached number 2 in their native UK, and number 5 in Australia.

Now it's time to rock it out Kiwi-style, bro! Push Push was a New Zealand rock band that had moderate success here with "Trippin'", and I really like that crazy high note the singer hits in the second verse, but the video stands out to me because the drummer is wearing a T-shirt with "Nirvana" written on it. I didn't know who Nirvana were in mid-1991, but I soon would. I remember asking this kid before school one day if he'd ever heard of Push Push and he just made this weird double hip-thrust motion and went "Uhh-uhh!" What a degenerate.

There's more rock for us with Roxus – didja like what I did there – and "Bad Boys" which was given more than its fair share of exposure via the Summer Bay Diner jukebox in several episodes of Home And Away. Then comes Jimmy Barnes with some mid-tempo rock and mandatory throat-shredding high notes. I don't think I've heard this song in 30 years. Eh, s'alright I s'pose. Deborah Conway's "It's Only the Beginning" is quite a nice tune, although I didn't really care for it 30 years ago. Ditto Daryl Braithwaite's "Higher Than Hope". He's got much better songs than "The Horses", which is sappy sentimental rubbish, in my opinion. "Rise" is his best song. This is NOT negotiable.

"99 Reasons" by Jo Beth Taylor is another song I hadn't heard since its release 30 years ago, and for (99) good reason(s): it's irredeemable donkey twaddle. I remember she copped a fair bit of flak in the Letters page of Smash Hits for slagging off Vanilla Ice and Roxette when she reviewed the singles. That was a bit rich when both of those artists had had number 1 singles when this junk only reached number 31, and that's more than it deserved.

Let's hit the Skip button and go next to "Unity" by Sound Unlimited Posse, a song I had only heard once until now. It's not as good as "Kickin' To The Undersound" – maybe a recognizable sample might have improved it. After that, down the back end, comes "What Comes Naturally" by Sheena Easton which, in reaching number 4, makes it the equal highest-charting track on this disc. I know, I'm as shocked as you. I thought this song was rather naff in 1991. I was only 13 and had no time for these 'sex kitten' antics.

The last two songs on here are rap singles that charted in the top 10, and they're both rather good: "Now That We Found Love" by Heavy D & The Boyz, and "Ring Ring Ring" by De La Soul which is the other song that reached number 4. Still a great track. I had the hook as my answering machine message in the late '90s.

Well, there may have been no number 1s on here but Take 40 #1 is still a solid compilation. Plenty of songs that deserve repeat listens, especially if you want to be transported back to 1991. In a metaphorical sense, that is. Otherwise you'll just have to wait for time travel to be invented.

Rating: 7/10

China 5 – "Crocodile"

Hey, a new China 5 video? Really and for true? Well, no. China 5 ceased operations in 2020, and thanks so much to the 46 people out there who listened to our songs. Well, I'm sure it was more than 46 – one of our songs ("Too Many Sushi") got nearly 10,000 plays back in the MySpace Music days...

Anyway, this is a video for the song "Crocodile", from the 4th China 5 album Republic, from 2008. This is the only China 5 song to have appeared on a compilation album! It was called Vs. The World Volume 4 and it was released in 2009.

So, why make a video for an old song from days of yore? Well, the video was originally made in 2008, but the edit was only recently completed due to the finding of some lost footage. It was a real mind trip to see this old rubbish valuable material from the past again, and has finally been reinstated into the video which it belonged.

Because of the delay in this video's release (13 years isn't that long, is it?), the version of the song isn't the one that appeared on Republic, nor is it the version that appeared on Vs. The World. It is a remastered version – Republic was remastered in January 2020, and that's the version you'll hear in this video.

Thanks to all who helped me make the video: Alfie, Leftie Lampton, Gripper Stebson, and Dougie.

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 9"

Compilation: Hit Machine 9
Released: 1995 – Festival
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 2 – "Back For Good" by Take That, "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Everybody On The Floor" by Tokyo Ghetto Pussy
Hidden gem: "Old Pop In An Oak" by Rednex

Here's the second Hit Machine I found today. This one takes me back to 1995 which was my final year of high school. There were some memorable tunes that year that were not, in fact, "Gangsta's Paradise". I know, right? Hard to believe. So, bring on the nostalgia, small round plastic disc!

It opens with "Everybody On The Floor", a frenetic dance track that I thought was really rather good despite its repetitive nature. It also had an amusing video set in...some kind of weird laundromat? The German duo (Stuttgart Ghetto doesn't have the same ring to it) behind Jam & Spoon were also responsible for this, and it's a step in the right direction. This song goes hard, and even for idiots like me who can't dance, usually induces a fair bit of head-nodding and fist-pumping. Especially when I go to the laundromat, ho ho.

Next up are the odious house duo The Outhere Brothers (is it 'out here' or 'out there'? Who cares) with "Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)". Said duo didn't appear in the video for this, their first single, but employed the use of stock cartoons, a trick very cleverly also used by whoever edited the "Excalibur" video for F.C.B. It's nowhere near as good a song as "Boom Boom Boom" which almost topped the charts, but is still okay (now that those iffy 'sexual' lyrics have been removed). Although this makes the song a hell of a lot shorter. And the final cry of "Beeeeyatch!" has been left in. Was this really necessary, Outhere Brothers? Whatever.

The dance-fest continues with track 3 with the ace rave-trance anthem by N-Trance, "Set You Free". They'd become best known for "Stayin' Alive" which reached no.1 later in 1995 but this is my favourite song by them. More fun memories of high school here. I still remember the bit in the video where the singer's singing while fireworks are going off behind her. Come on, get to the next song or I'll start bawlin'.

Oh, it's the Eurodance act with a very topical name in the Year of Our Lord 2021: Corona. And I reckon it's better than the song they're best known for, "The Rhythm Of The Night". But "Baby Baby" is a far superior song. It just is. The 2007 Sunblock cover (which featured the original vocalist) is really good as well.

Next is the Real McCoy with some Eurotrance. "Run Away" is perfectly passable dance muzak but it somehow lacks the deep-seated drama of "Another Night". It has a nice synth line after each verse, though. Then comes the M-People yet again with their 1,773rd single, "Open Your Heart". And no, that's not the Madonna song being covered. Just as well.

Oh boy, I'd never heard this next one until now. Rednex followed up the insanely popular (or irritating, depending on how you look at it) "Cotton Eye Joe" with "Old Pop In An Oak", which sounds pretty much identical. It has the same male vocal chorus/violins/female verse/synthesized banjo sequence. It even ends in the same way, with a solo male vocal. Actually, it's not all that bad. Melodic enough for my liking. I heard these guys were Swedish, is that true? I wonder how well these hillbilly antics were received in Scandiwegia.

I'm not a fan of either of the two chart-topping singles on here, to put it mildly. Especially "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge. I hate that song with the fiery fury of a thousand suns. Now I didn't mind her follow-up single "Under The Water", but you would have to travel far and wide to find someone who hates "Mouth" as much as I do. The puerile and idiotic lyrics, the twee vocals and the generic rubbishy backing music make this one of the least enjoyable listening experiences ever. Thus, the Australian public, who have no taste, sent it rocketing to number 1. Even the video, with its close-ups of mouths, was something best avoided. It makes me shudder to even think about it.

I thought "Here Comes The Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze was a bit strange when I first heard it. Like they forgot to finish the percussion part or something. And I think this is the first time I've heard "Mr. Natural" by Mental As Anything since 1995. It's pretty good! Sadly these guys have ceased all future activities with the death of 'Greedy' Smith in 2019, and "Mr. Natural" was their final single to make the top 40.

Another band scoring their final hit on here is the Divinyls with "I'm Jealous", which got to number 14. It's not a bad song and did pretty well, but would prove to be their final appearance on the chart. "I might kick her face in" is a nice line, too.

My second-favourite song on here is "Digging The Grave" by Faith No More, a much darker song than the two singles chosen to lead off their previous two albums. King For A Day, Fool For A Lifetime is one helluva'n album, though I was disappointed to see guitarist Jim Martin had left the band – he was such a big part of their sound. Dean Menta is an ace guitarist though. Hey, FNM are track 14 on here, which they also were on Smash Hits '95. How fascinating.

Hmm, "You Suck" by The Murmurs is on here. The Murmurs suck. I remember back in 1995, standing at the counter of the Echo Chamber, a music shop in Carousel (a shopping centre in Perth), paying for a CD, when some kid comes up to the counter and asks another girl behind the counter, "Do you have 'You Suck'?" No other info, they (can't remember if it was a boy or a girl) just said that. And the girl behind the counter goes "You Suck?" and the kid replied "You Suck". And the girl told them no. Although I'd wager there were about 39,998 unsold cassingles under a dead kipper gathering dust in the back room.

Anyway, "You Suck" is a crappy song. It is also responsible for the "Contains offensive language" warning on the cover. Also, they didn't censor the swearing in this song, or in the printed lyrics either. (Maybe that's why the Echo Chamber didn't want to sell it to that kid.) But wait, they did print the swear word in the Heather Nova track, but used the version where the line was changed? I don't know what the rules are anymore!

The final song on here is "No More I Love Youse" by Annie Lennox. No, she hasn't become an Australian bogan. Not that I'm aware of. That is just the facetious way I spelled the title of "No More 'I Love You's". It's actually a cover, which I only just found out. What the hell is going on with that demented laughter in the middle eight? Did the producers think it was 'funny' and just leave it in? Such are the mysteries of life, my friend. I wish you all the best on your journey.

Except the Murmurs. They suck.

Rating: 6/10