Compilation Album Review: "Can't Beat The Music Volume 3"

 

Compilation: Can't Beat The Music Volume 3
Released: 1992 – BMG
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 1 – "Jump" by Kris Kross
Top ten singles: 4
Best track: "Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap
Hidden gem: "Gonna Get High" by The Dukes

It's been a while since I did one of these, isn't it? Seven months, to be precise. It's taken until July 6, but I finally got my first retro compilation CD for 2022, unearthed in the Bairnsdale Emporium in Victoria's Gippsland region, which you really should visit if you haven't already.

It's the third and final volume of the Can't Beat the Music series from 1992, and it's taken me nearly five years to the day to get all three. I got Volume 2 in July 2017 and Volume 1 in December 2020. So the trilogy is complete – let me fill in the stats section above and let it spin. Hmmm, the tracklisting ain't exactly setting the charts on fire, is it? After all chart music is why we're here. Maybe that was why there was no 4th volume of this. Anyway, no need to be poncy about it, let's go back in time 30 years to that magical year of 1992, when pop stars actually had personalities and IQs above negative 10. Join me, won't you?

This collection of tracks kicks off with "Please Don't Go" by K.W.S., which I learned from listening to Take 40 Australia (Saturday nights, 6:30pm, 6PM-FM Western Australia) was a cover of some hokey song from the '70s. In attempting to update it for the '90s they have managed to make it sound even more hokey with their stupid ad-libs. It comes off as sounding like a demo rather than the finished studio version of a song. The buying public sent it to number 2, so go figure.

"Take A Chance On Me" by Erasure is an ABBA cover. Personally I think the world would be better off without ABBA covers, but these guys saw fit to record an EP full of them. It got them their first and only number 1 in their native UK, so what do I know. I've heard Erasure's ABBA-esque EP cited as responsible for the ABBA revival in 1992 (there was a re-release of "Dancing Queen" charting around this time), but I can't say I'm on board with this theory. Actually, not too many people know this, but in Australia if you don't like ABBA you get deported to Stockholm for mental reprogramming, a process that usually takes ten years. Re-admittance is only granted on a successful performance of "Mamma Mia", complete with dorky actions.

Speaking of UK acts that got their first and only number 1, it's those inane bozos Right Said Fred with "Deeply Dippy". As Todd In The Shadows pointed out, which I wasn't aware of, it wasn't "I'm Too Sexy" that got them a number 1, it was this. The song everyone knows them for didn't get to number 1 in the UK, but this one did. In Australia it was different, where "I'm Too Sexy" got to number 1 but "Deeply Dippy" only managed number 38. Music arrangement-wise, it's a much better song. Gone are the tinny dance beats and amateurish recording – not that I can talk (I remember reading in Smash Hits that "I'm Too Sexy" was recorded in a gym...is this true?) – we can actually hear real instruments being played here. And what does he say right at the end? "I'm takin' a hike to Tahiti?" Is that some bizarre sexual innuendo?

"Jump" is still a great track, mind. I thought it was strange two kids the same age as me had a charting single!

"Workaholic" is next, my least favourite single by Eurodance duo 2 Unlimited (that is a very unflattering photo of them on the cover, isn't it?). He rhymes "workaholic" with "alcoholic", which is the only thing worth noting about the lyrics. It only got to number 35 in Australia, and quite rightly – it's too much of a mishmash of styles. "Get Ready For This", their debut and best single, had a clear agenda. It had elements that synced up and no part of it was superfluous. The same cannot be said about "Workaholic". It's all over the place like a lunatic's dung. However, there is one country where this bizarre cacophony got to number 1. If you can guess it right, I'll buy you a beer at the Breakfast Creek. Answer at the end of this post.

"Rhythm Is A Dancer" is one of the best dance tracks of the '90s! What a 'banger', as the 'youth of today' tend to say. Things are picking up here. Oh and then comes Faith No More with "Midlife Crisis" – written by Mike Patton when he was 24 – a great song, and deserved to get higher than number 31. I've heard this live, and it blew the roof off the joint!

After that it's the all-female rock band L7 with "Pretend We're Dead"! How edgy. Don't cut yourself on that edge, edgelords. Just kidding, it's actually a good song. Not as good as their track "Shove", but still good. I wrote a parody of it in 1992 called "Pretend We're Pink". No, I can't provide a sample of the lyrics. I used to write heaps of songs but only wrote the lyrics down if I wanted someone else to see them.

Sadly, after this point the songs get a bit obscure. I hadn't heard of, or heard, most of the remaining ten tracks. There's a song by Girl Overboard, the first song I've heard by them since 1990. They actually rock out a bit on it! Well I never. Sophie B Hawkins and Annie Lennox are in there and it's pretty forgettable. Ditto Rick Price and his off-key warbling. You will get a sugar high from all the saccharine he serves up, and your sleep patterns will be interrupted by intermittent bawling. 

"Gonna Get High" by The Dukes is pretty good, just for this line: "I'm gonna get high once/I'm gonna get high twice/I'm gonna get high thrice". Yeah, I know, Bruce Springsteen has nothing to worry about. But for CENTURIES now I've been waiting for the word 'thrice' to show up in a pop song, and here it is! Hidden gem for this alone.

Rating: 5/10

 

 

 

Answer: Zimbabwe

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '90"

Compilation: Smash Hits '90
Released: 1990 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Epic" by Faith No More
Other top ten singles: 10
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne

Ah, it's another Smash Hits compilation for my compilation shelf. Good-o. Not only was 1990 the year I started following the charts – as I've said 16 thousand times on this blog – but it was also the year I started reading Smash Hits. It only cost $1.98 at the time (which left me a grand total of two cents left over from my weekly pocket money), and although they put the price up to $2.25 soon after, it was still a bargain. Top 50 chart listings! Song lyrics! Posters! Amusing readers' letters! Pre-internet pop trivia like Craig McLachlan's dog's name (it was 'Bottom', the dirty sod!) Witty and sometimes absurd commentary on pop stars' shenanigans! This mag had it all. 

The songs on this album all bring back vivid memories of Year 7, my last year of primary school. And I was one of the few kids in my class who read it. So naturally I could recite up-to-the-minute chart info that made me seem like a guru to the other kids. Such as: "Black Betty" was an old song from the '70s, and M.C. Hammer was once in a Honda motorbike commercial, and stuff like that.

I paid $11.50 for this, which believe it or not, makes it the second-most expensive compilation CD out of the 63 I've collected so far! (Summer '89 tops that list at a wallet-busting $20.50.) But, you see, being the devotee of Smash Hits' compilations that I am, I had to have it. 

I should point out that a compilation of the same name was also released in the UK, so if you're searching for it online, don't get the two mixed up. Considering the rubbish that was in the UK charts in 1990, this is critical.

Unfortunately the CD booklet doesn't have the chart stats and facts that Smash Hits '89 had or the lyrics that Smash Hits '91 has. It just has photos of all the 17 artists featured. It's a bit disappointing there was no commentary from the mag itself, and as I recall it was advertised in every issue on release. My copy is stamped "Promotion Only – Not For Sale" though, so maybe they changed that.

The compilers have chosen to start with three rock tracks in "Lay Down Your Guns" by Jiminy Barnes, "Dogs Are Talking" by The Angels and Faith No More's epic, "Epic". This choice is rather unusual when you consider that Smash Hits '89 started with Indecent Obsession, Sinitta and Bros, and Smash Hits '91 with C+C Music Factory, Yothu Yindi and De La Soul. But hey, I'm not complaining. Rock on.

Barnesy is the one to kick-start this compilation with the usual throat-shredding you'd expect from him, then it kicks into a higher gear with "Dogs Are Talking", one of the first hard rock songs I heard (and which fell one place short of the top 10). I still like it, although I have no idea what "Dogs are talking" might mean. I thought it could be about gossiping! But the verses and the slightly naff spoken-word bit at the beginning makes it clear that the song is about some dude wanting to get his rocks off with a girl – that most unconventional subject matter for popular music.

"Epic" is still one of the best songs ever recorded. And it's also the only number 1 single on here. If they were going to pick one number 1 single to be on here, they could have picked "Vogue", or "Opposites Attract", or even "Nothing Compares 2 U", 1990's year-end chart-topper, but they went with "Epic". Top marks.

"Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams isn't a song I've really listened to in the intervening 31 years but it doesn't sound too bad. Ditto Belinda Carlisle and "Summer Rain", and The Chimes' cover of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". They're not bad, they just didn't really grab me in 1990. I heard them many a time from watching Rage, though. I didn't like "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne, I preferred the follow-up single "I'll Be Your Shelter" – and Smash Hits slammed it in their single reviews! It actually outcharted "Love Will Lead You Back" by 7 places, reaching number 4.

I don't mind "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli, with its lyrical theme of how you'd rather blame anyone else but yourself for your own mistakes. As for the not performing on the record thing, that isn't something I really think about, as sad as a story as it was, with the untimely death of one of the members. It does sound a bit tinny for a 1990 dance single, but that's part of its charm.

Boy, New Kids On The Block were bloody awful, weren't they? Every song of theirs had the same clunky drum machine and "Huh!" vocals with tons of echo applied. Absolute ham-fisted junk. But given their readership, they had to put a single by these idiots on. Following this is Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2's "Mona". One of the readers accused the magazine of being on his payroll because there was a poster of Craig in every issue. There was, though. Apart from maybe NKOTB, there were probably more posters of him than any other pop star in the mag in 1990.

The sadly departed Guru Josh and his ace rave-trance anthem "Infinity" is sandwiched between the two Minogue sisters. And what an absolute banger it still is. I never got to hear it in its proper nightclub context, but it's one of the highlights of 1990 music for me. The piano break, the sax, the synth chords – what a song.

As for Dannii and Kylie Minogue – absolute pap! "Love And Kisses" was one of the worst songs I'd ever heard. It still is. Dannii can't hold a tune at all, and as for her attempts to sound "black and funky" – and that's her own description of the song as quoted in Smash Hits – well let's just say Janet Jackson has nothing to worry about (come to think of it, she should be on here instead). As for Kylie, "Better The Devil You Know" is marginally better  – listening to it through headphones as I type this, I can hear house piano chords in there – but it's standard Stock Aitken Waterman fare. 

So, how about some chart stats trivia? Which song got higher on the charts, "Love And Kisses" or "Better The Devil You Know"? Give up? Well as it happens, they both reached the same position, number 4. But I regret to say that Kylie only held that position for one week, while Dannii managed three weeks there, as well as a longer chart run. Rats.

Oh man, I can't even listen to Concrete Blonde's "Joey", it's so turgid and depressing, and just plain crap. Sorry, but it is. I didn't think it was possible for a performer to have absolutely zero charisma but there you go.

Three songs from the end now and it's the only song on here I haven't heard, "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne. Hey, I thought you know every song that charted in 1990, you big wazzock, you must be thinking. And I do! But this song didn't chart at all. I can't even remember Scott Carne being covered much in the pages of Smash Hits. I looked him up and he was the singer from '80s Melbourne band Kids In The Kitchen, so maybe teenagers older than me would know who he was. His song was about 'makin' lurve' and othersuch frivolous pursuits, which was of total disinterest to me at the age of 12. Next.

The slow ballad "Southern Sky" by Paul Norton is the penultimate track, and I read its lyrics printed in the mag before I heard the song itself. I'm not into ballads or anything patriotic either, but the opening lines kinda got my attention. They are "It was Australia Day 1985 / Nothin' much was going on then / Sittin' in the same old dives". I wasn't in Australia in 1985 but I'd say that rings true. Bored senseless by your own country's national day – I can relate to that!

"Escaping" by Margaret Urlich finishes the album. Again, not a song that really grabbed me in 1990. Perhaps listening to it through headphones as an adult might change my opinion. Let's see, I can hear what sounds like a cricket chirping. That's not a joke by the way, I can actually hear it in the mix, although it's probably synth-generated. It's an okay song I s'pose, with nice enough instrumentation. Musically it's much more layered and varied than the rubbish Dannii Minogue or NKOTB serve up. I guess it was too mid-tempo for most people, although it was her highest-charting single.

And now I'm 'escaping' this blog post – see ya!

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 13"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 13
Released: 1994 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Hidden gem: "4-Letter Word" by Chocolate Starfish

It's happened, friends. My quest to collect the first 18 volumes of the 100% Hits series has concluded. It's Volume Lucky 13. Or is it? There aren't really many songs that troubled the upper reaches of the charts on here. Still, low chart positions don't mean low quality. So let's take this one for a spin.

It starts with one of the worst novelty songs ever, "Absolutely Fabulous". It's credited to Absolutely Fabulous, that naff UK sitcom from the '90s, but it's ostensibly the Pet Shop Boys. Who cares. It sucks. I even listened to the whole thing to remind me of its irrevocable suckitude. Next.

"Son Of A Gun" by JX was a dance track I thought was really stupid when I first heard it – I couldn't believe a banger like "You Belong To Me" the following year was by the same 'group'! However it has grown on me. It's got this weird melancholy bit in the middle which jars with the upbeat hook of the song, which I can see taking out, to be honest.

Oh boy, 1994 was a big year for 'gangsta rap'. Which I'm not really into, but no matter. We've got Kulcha here with their usual schtick about some girl who "got it goin' awn". Whatever. Then Salt N' Pepa, who also get on my nerves, but "Heaven N' Hell" does have a couple of funny lines. Too bad whoever rapped the third voice will shred your eardrums. I'm not too interested in songs about life in the ghetto and how the "youth" will be "enlightened". I don't really care. What's next?

Oh, it's "Take Me Away", by D:Ream. It never charted, so I'd never heard this before. It's got a male and female vocalist, so that's a point in its favour. I like that in my '90s dance singles. It does sound a bit too much like M People for my liking, as in, the type of music you hear in clothing shops and whatnot. But it's got that house music wail in there, which was in a lot of '90s house tracks.

Apparently Joshua Kadison's soppy ballad "Jessie" is written about his break-up with 'actress' Sarah Jessica Parker. Oh lawd. Marcia Hines is next, with "Rain". This is years before she was a judge on some crappy music talent show so I had no idea who she was. The song's alright. Then we've got some enduring geriatrics in The Rolling Stones. "Love Is Strong" sounds like a blues bar ballad. Another song that didn't crack the top 40, so I never heard it. Thankfully The Sharp can rock it up after this with "Alone Like Me", although it's not my fave song by them (but it was the highest-charting).

Chocolate Starfish. Ergh. What a horrible band name. "4-Letter Word" is pretty rockin' though, even though it's yet another song about a girl who got it goin' awn. And for those of you who are wondering if they say the 4-letter word in question, they don't.

Collective Soul's "Shine" is okay but I wish they'd taken quicker to get to the increased tempo part. Many a bong must have been smoked to this, probably in the very studio where it was recorded. "American Life (In The Summertime)" by Francis Dunnery. It got to number 18, but I don't recall hearing it all that much. The guitar solo is pretty great, though. I'd forgotten about "I Believe" by Marcella Detroit, even though it reached number 10. Pretty good chorus, you'd think I would have remembered this.

"Black Hole Sun" is still Soundgarden's finest moment and I still can't forget their weird distorted suburbia video for the song. Brilliant! I've also seen the black doughnut-like sculpture in Seattle that inspired the song. I can't believe Rage aired the video with a scene showing a woman clearly enjoying a massive vibrator. The '90s were like that, kids. Slacker anthems abounded. Speaking of which, it's followed by another alternative rock classic in Green Day's "Longview", the first song of theirs to chart. I'm surprised they didn't censor the swearing here!

"Tunnel" by The Screaming Jets is another song I'd never heard. It's got a brass section on it, which is pretty cool. Then it's some bloke called Jon Secada. It's alright. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders is the final song. I remember it was being used (in full) in a three-minute ad for an animal protection society, I forget which – and that's all I can think of now when I hear this tear-jerker. Be nice to animals, folks.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990"

 
Compilation: Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 7 – "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul, "U Can't Touch This By M.C. Hammer, "Epic" by Faith No More, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart, "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C., "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 11
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: None because I know all these songs like the back o' m'hand, young whippersnapper.

I remember when this compilation came out. I saw it being advertised on TV. But I didn't get it, probably because I already had Let's Do It 2. I should have though. This is as close to the best collection of the hits of 1990 as you'll ever get. It is very difficult to separate it from LDI2 however, as that wasn't a year-end retrospective, but it doesn't get much better than this.

The back cover very handily gives the chart stats for each track – each song's highest chart position and the date it got there, and how many weeks it spent in the charts (as at October 29, 1990). So if you read my little stats at the top there, you'll have worked out that every song on here either reached number 1 or made the top 10. The lowest chart position reached by any of these singles was number 5. Get the picture, sunshine?

These 18 songs are burned into my brain. I've mentioned this before, and if you've read a few of these reviews you're probably sick of reading about it, but 1990 was the year I started following the charts weekly and as such, I recall everything about them when I saw them on Rage. Now that doesn't mean I like all these songs. I like most of them, sure, but not all. "Joey" by Concrete Blonde for example is a painful dirge that should not have charted anywhere near the coveted number 2 position it reached, the track by Heart is ham-fisted dreck, and Absent Friends' "I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You" (how many times have I told these people NOT to use double negatives in song titles) is a ballad and you know how I feel about those.

But buying compilations – and I've got a few – means that you also have to hear songs you don't like. And that's okay, because they were still part of the musical landscape for that era and they bring back memories just as your favourite songs do. You might not want to listen to them more than once but don't tell me you can't remember the lyrics.

The actual CD is imprinted with the name Nothing Compares To The Best Of 1990, which makes me wonder if that was the original title. Or it could just be a misprint by a lackadaisical pressing plant employee. It could be one or the other. Maybe both. It's also too bad that the artist who did the detective comic-style cover is uncredited – in fact there are no liner notes whatsoever.

I'm not going to give my usual remarks on selected songs because you should know these songs by now. What, do I look like Wikipedia to you?? But seriously, if you haven't heard of any of the seven chart-toppers listed above then you are either born after 2000 or dead from the ankles up. Maybe both.

Never has a compilation album title been truer. And "Epic" is still one of the best things ever recorded.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Rating: 9/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hitz Blitz"

Compilation: Hitz Blitz
Released: 1990 – Possum
Number of tracks: 16
Number one singles: 1 – "Swing the Mood" by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers
Other top ten singles: 1
Best track: "Get Up (Before The Night Is Over)" by Technotronic
Hidden gem: "Back To My Roots" by FPI Project featuring Sharon Dee Clarke

First up, I think this is the 60th compilation CD in my collection! Considering I only expected to collect about 20 of these, it's quite surprising. Of course, a couple of those 60 are not your typical chart compilation but a genre compilation, and this is one of them. It's a collection of dance and house music tracks, all but two of them from 1989. As such, only a handful of these songs actually charted. The abovementioned Jive Bunny track is the only number 1 song on here.

Let's look at some of those phrases on the cover. "No slow songs", says one. Well, that suits me fine, CD cover art. No room for slow jamz™ on a dance comp. If you want to slow dance, go act out your 1980s teen rom-com fantasies elsewhere. Another such phrase that caught my eye was "No breaks between the hitz". At first I thought they did crossfades between each track — a technique used to great effect on XTC's 1982 album English Settlement, which I highly recommend you listen to — but no, it just means there is no two-second gap between tracks. 

Right, let's begin. The album kicks off with "Italo House Mix", a medley by Rococo which actually charted in Australia at an impressive number 13, making it the third highest-charting song on here. It's not bad (although a few songs in the medley aren't strictly 'Italo'). When they get to the portion of "Pump Up The Jam" by Technotronic, the unnamed members of Rococo sing "Shake your booty on the floor tonight" when the actual lyric is "Get your booty on the floor tonight". That has always bothered me for some reason. Not that I can talk. I frequently record other people's songs and stuff the lyrics up.

Next it's "Baby Don't Forget My Number" by Milli Vanilli, also a hit here. It had a 38-week run on the charts, which was very impressive in 1990, but despite that it never got any higher than number 17. Just another random chart fact for you. It's also one of those songs where I hear the Weird Al parody lyrics when I listen to it, instead of the real lyrics. 

Next is "Warning" by Adeva which sounds like the vocals were rehearsed maybe once or twice before they were recorded, then it's two songs I'd never heard by two singers I'd never heard of. Dina Carroll and Johnnie O, anyone? They're alright. Then it's "Get Up". Before the night is over. And you should. Ya Kid K is the one. I actually like this song a whole lot more than I did in 1990, and I loved this song in 1990. It was the first song I ever put on my CD player and turned the volume up full bore.

"Blame It On The Boogie" is a song I have to listen to somewhat regularly at work, and it's not a song I'm particularly fond of, either in the original Michael Jackson version, or this one by three grinning wallies in yellow jackets, Big Fun. They aren't. Next. "With Every Beat Of My Heart" by Taylor Dayne. Hey, didn't she do big rock power ballads and whatnot? I guess not.

Next is "Numero Uno" by Starlight, another solid slice of Italo house, which reached number 23 on the Australian charts. It's better than the Rococo single which outcharted it by 10 positions. After this is sadfish muzak maestro Lisa Stansfield with "This Is The Right Time", another one of those inoffensive pop tracks from the late '80s. I'd never heard of Jam Machine, but their track "Everyday" fits right in here. It seems to be another one of those Italo tracks where they cobbled together the entire vocal line from samples.

I'd never been particularly interested in Soul II Soul and their generic late '80s dance pop which used to have the same beat on every track, not to mention the singer's stupid-looking hairstyle. Still, they were a big influence on Yuzo Koshiro who did the Bare Knuckle/Streets Of Rage video games soundtracks. This song of theirs, "Jazzy's Groove", is him doing a spoken word bit over one of their typical backing tracks. It's all very Bri'ish, guv', kno' wha' I mean, you wazzock?

"Messages" by Go 101 — I'm pretty sure they were a Melbourne band. How many times have Melbourne bands come up on these compilations — zero? They're not bad; the sax sound makes this track stand out a bit. Then there's something called "Back To My Roots" by FPI Project featuring Sharon Dee Clarke. Heard of them? Me neither. But they do use that "Wooh!"/"Yeah!" sample over some house piano chords that sound identical to "Mary Had A Little Boy" by Snap! which came out a year later. I picked it for my hidden gem, as you may have noticed.

Girl Overboard? They're not a dance act, are they? Well, in any case, "I Can't Believe", a mid-tempo pop-rock tune, is on here. It definitely stands out as it's from a totally different genre. Not to say it's a bad song, but what gives? This song did chart, peaking at number 43, if you care to know. Which you don't. That's okay. We can't all be interested in Girl Overboard chart stats, can we?

The sole number 1 single is the last track on here: the aforementioned "Swing The Mood". If you don't like medleys of 1950s rock n' roll hits, you won't like this, or the two follow-up singles Jive Bunny put out, all of which went to number 1 in the UK. You can definitely dance to it, if you're so inclined. Probably not in the same way you'd dance to Technotronic, but there you go, old bean. Perhaps they put it as the last track as a nice 'comedown' to all the house music workouts that have been assaulting your ears for the previous 56 minutes. I wish there had been more vocals in it though. That goes double for you, Rococo.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Take 40 Australia #1"

Compilation: Take 40 Australia #1
Released: 1991 – Mushroom
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 7
Best track: "Last Train To Trancentral" by The K.L.F.
Hidden gem: I've heard all of these songs before. I listened to Take 40 Australia every week in 1991!

Well yes, I did. 1991, the year this CD came out, was the year I started listening to it. I did this for two reasons: to tape my favourite songs off the radio, and also because for some reason which I have never been able to ascertain, when they did the Top 40 countdown they always did it for the previous week and not the current week. I didn't mind the one week discrepancy because it meant that if I didn't get up early enough to catch the Top 20 on Rage, I could use Take 40 to fill in the blank spaces in my Top 20 chart book the following week. What a saddo I was!

Also: I was in Year 8. What else was I gonna do on a Saturday evening – homework?? Get real, man!

Anyway, it was essential listening and the host, Barry Bissell, was always entertaining. He'd hosted the Saturday evening show from its inception in 1984 until 2004. The show was eventually cancelled in 2016. But thirty years ago, I'd have my radio tuned to 6PM as it was then, blank cassette tape at the ready.

I've got a soft spot for the pop music of 1991. It was a good time to follow the charts, and probably the midpoint of a golden age, of sorts. The vast majority of the songs on my Top 100 of All Time list are from the years 1990-1992 alone. I had just started high school and was discovering new cool songs every single week. It was an exciting time!

I'm not sure why they waited seven years to put out a Take 40 compilation, but it's funny that it happened to come out in the year I started listening to the show. They called it Take 40 Australia #1 but there aren't any number 1 singles on it. Oh well. There was no Take 40 Australia #2, either, although there were four more Take 40 compilations released between 1995 and 2003.

There's a lot of Australian content on this album – it is a compilation for an Australian radio show after all – and it's Noiseworks that kick things off with their last big hit single "Hot Chilli Woman". I don't mind it, but it was the long-delayed follow-up single to "Freedom", which is my favourite Noiseworks song.

Then it's "Hey Stoopid", an anti-drug song by Alice Cooper. In 1991, I didn't know who this dude was, and only from reading Smash Hits did I discover that he'd been around since the '70s and did mock-theatrics on stage like getting guillotined and whatnot. Crazy, man. It would be another year before I saw him in Wayne's World and thought "It's the 'Hey Stoopid' guy!" We're not worthy!!

Who's next? Hmm, it's Transvision Vamp. "If Looks Could Kill" is hardly one of their typical rawk n' rawl numbers. From what I recall they basically disappeared after this single and the parent album wasn't up to scratch. Then comes Kylie Minogue and "Shocked", and no, she still can't sing. She is the second-best vocalist on this track. The featured rapper Jazzy P is best. Isn't it a bit weird how the final chorus fades out so abruptly? Get it together, Stock Aitken Waterman!

After Kate Ceberano, C+C Music Factory and Yothu Yindi, fine dance/pop singles all, we get to the mighty KLF. Those guys really knew how to put out brilliant and catchy pop music, be it dance bangers, stadium house anthems, synth/trance, or more rock-pop-electro stuff – and their featured rappers were always great, the one here being the late Ricardo Da Force. The synth/string break on this song is one of the best interludes ever. All the elements of a hit pop single are present here: it reached number 2 in their native UK, and number 5 in Australia.

Now it's time to rock it out Kiwi-style, bro! Push Push was a New Zealand rock band that had moderate success here with "Trippin'", and I really like that crazy high note the singer hits in the second verse, but the video stands out to me because the drummer is wearing a T-shirt with "Nirvana" written on it. I didn't know who Nirvana were in mid-1991, but I soon would. I remember asking this kid before school one day if he'd ever heard of Push Push and he just made this weird double hip-thrust motion and went "Uhh-uhh!" What a degenerate.

There's more rock for us with Roxus – didja like what I did there – and "Bad Boys" which was given more than its fair share of exposure via the Summer Bay Diner jukebox in several episodes of Home And Away. Then comes Jimmy Barnes with some mid-tempo rock and mandatory throat-shredding high notes. I don't think I've heard this song in 30 years. Eh, s'alright I s'pose. Deborah Conway's "It's Only the Beginning" is quite a nice tune, although I didn't really care for it 30 years ago. Ditto Daryl Braithwaite's "Higher Than Hope". He's got much better songs than "The Horses", which is sappy sentimental rubbish, in my opinion. "Rise" is his best song. This is NOT negotiable.

"99 Reasons" by Jo Beth Taylor is another song I hadn't heard since its release 30 years ago, and for (99) good reason(s): it's irredeemable donkey twaddle. I remember she copped a fair bit of flak in the Letters page of Smash Hits for slagging off Vanilla Ice and Roxette when she reviewed the singles. That was a bit rich when both of those artists had had number 1 singles when this junk only reached number 31, and that's more than it deserved.

Let's hit the Skip button and go next to "Unity" by Sound Unlimited Posse, a song I had only heard once until now. It's not as good as "Kickin' To The Undersound" – maybe a recognizable sample might have improved it. After that, down the back end, comes "What Comes Naturally" by Sheena Easton which, in reaching number 4, makes it the equal highest-charting track on this disc. I know, I'm as shocked as you. I thought this song was rather naff in 1991. I was only 13 and had no time for these 'sex kitten' antics.

The last two songs on here are rap singles that charted in the top 10, and they're both rather good: "Now That We Found Love" by Heavy D & The Boyz, and "Ring Ring Ring" by De La Soul which is the other song that reached number 4. Still a great track. I had the hook as my answering machine message in the late '90s.

Well, there may have been no number 1s on here but Take 40 #1 is still a solid compilation. Plenty of songs that deserve repeat listens, especially if you want to be transported back to 1991. In a metaphorical sense, that is. Otherwise you'll just have to wait for time travel to be invented.

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 9"

Compilation: Hit Machine 9
Released: 1995 – Festival
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 2 – "Back For Good" by Take That, "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Everybody On The Floor" by Tokyo Ghetto Pussy
Hidden gem: "Old Pop In An Oak" by Rednex

Here's the second Hit Machine I found today. This one takes me back to 1995 which was my final year of high school. There were some memorable tunes that year that were not, in fact, "Gangsta's Paradise". I know, right? Hard to believe. So, bring on the nostalgia, small round plastic disc!

It opens with "Everybody On The Floor", a frenetic dance track that I thought was really rather good despite its repetitive nature. It also had an amusing video set in...some kind of weird laundromat? The German duo (Stuttgart Ghetto doesn't have the same ring to it) behind Jam & Spoon were also responsible for this, and it's a step in the right direction. This song goes hard, and even for idiots like me who can't dance, usually induces a fair bit of head-nodding and fist-pumping. Especially when I go to the laundromat, ho ho.

Next up are the odious house duo The Outhere Brothers (is it 'out here' or 'out there'? Who cares) with "Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)". Said duo didn't appear in the video for this, their first single, but employed the use of stock cartoons, a trick very cleverly also used by whoever edited the "Excalibur" video for F.C.B. It's nowhere near as good a song as "Boom Boom Boom" which almost topped the charts, but is still okay (now that those iffy 'sexual' lyrics have been removed). Although this makes the song a hell of a lot shorter. And the final cry of "Beeeeyatch!" has been left in. Was this really necessary, Outhere Brothers? Whatever.

The dance-fest continues with track 3 with the ace rave-trance anthem by N-Trance, "Set You Free". They'd become best known for "Stayin' Alive" which reached no.1 later in 1995 but this is my favourite song by them. More fun memories of high school here. I still remember the bit in the video where the singer's singing while fireworks are going off behind her. Come on, get to the next song or I'll start bawlin'.

Oh, it's the Eurodance act with a very topical name in the Year of Our Lord 2021: Corona. And I reckon it's better than the song they're best known for, "The Rhythm Of The Night". But "Baby Baby" is a far superior song. It just is. The 2007 Sunblock cover (which featured the original vocalist) is really good as well.

Next is the Real McCoy with some Eurotrance. "Run Away" is perfectly passable dance muzak but it somehow lacks the deep-seated drama of "Another Night". It has a nice synth line after each verse, though. Then comes the M-People yet again with their 1,773rd single, "Open Your Heart". And no, that's not the Madonna song being covered. Just as well.

Oh boy, I'd never heard this next one until now. Rednex followed up the insanely popular (or irritating, depending on how you look at it) "Cotton Eye Joe" with "Old Pop In An Oak", which sounds pretty much identical. It has the same male vocal chorus/violins/female verse/synthesized banjo sequence. It even ends in the same way, with a solo male vocal. Actually, it's not all that bad. Melodic enough for my liking. I heard these guys were Swedish, is that true? I wonder how well these hillbilly antics were received in Scandiwegia.

I'm not a fan of either of the two chart-topping singles on here, to put it mildly. Especially "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge. I hate that song with the fiery fury of a thousand suns. Now I didn't mind her follow-up single "Under The Water", but you would have to travel far and wide to find someone who hates "Mouth" as much as I do. The puerile and idiotic lyrics, the twee vocals and the generic rubbishy backing music make this one of the least enjoyable listening experiences ever. Thus, the Australian public, who have no taste, sent it rocketing to number 1. Even the video, with its close-ups of mouths, was something best avoided. It makes me shudder to even think about it.

I thought "Here Comes The Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze was a bit strange when I first heard it. Like they forgot to finish the percussion part or something. And I think this is the first time I've heard "Mr. Natural" by Mental As Anything since 1995. It's pretty good! Sadly these guys have ceased all future activities with the death of 'Greedy' Smith in 2019, and "Mr. Natural" was their final single to make the top 40.

Another band scoring their final hit on here is the Divinyls with "I'm Jealous", which got to number 14. It's not a bad song and did pretty well, but would prove to be their final appearance on the chart. "I might kick her face in" is a nice line, too.

My second-favourite song on here is "Digging The Grave" by Faith No More, a much darker song than the two singles chosen to lead off their previous two albums. King For A Day, Fool For A Lifetime is one helluva'n album, though I was disappointed to see guitarist Jim Martin had left the band – he was such a big part of their sound. Dean Menta is an ace guitarist though. Hey, FNM are track 14 on here, which they also were on Smash Hits '95. How fascinating.

Hmm, "You Suck" by The Murmurs is on here. The Murmurs suck. I remember back in 1995, standing at the counter of the Echo Chamber, a music shop in Carousel (a shopping centre in Perth), paying for a CD, when some kid comes up to the counter and asks another girl behind the counter, "Do you have 'You Suck'?" No other info, they (can't remember if it was a boy or a girl) just said that. And the girl behind the counter goes "You Suck?" and the kid replied "You Suck". And the girl told them no. Although I'd wager there were about 39,998 unsold cassingles under a dead kipper gathering dust in the back room.

Anyway, "You Suck" is a crappy song. It is also responsible for the "Contains offensive language" warning on the cover. Also, they didn't censor the swearing in this song, or in the printed lyrics either. (Maybe that's why the Echo Chamber didn't want to sell it to that kid.) But wait, they did print the swear word in the Heather Nova track, but used the version where the line was changed? I don't know what the rules are anymore!

The final song on here is "No More I Love Youse" by Annie Lennox. No, she hasn't become an Australian bogan. Not that I'm aware of. That is just the facetious way I spelled the title of "No More 'I Love You's". It's actually a cover, which I only just found out. What the hell is going on with that demented laughter in the middle eight? Did the producers think it was 'funny' and just leave it in? Such are the mysteries of life, my friend. I wish you all the best on your journey.

Except the Murmurs. They suck.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 4"

 

Compilation: Hit Machine 4
Released: 1994 – BMG
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 1 – "Boom! Shake The Room" by DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince
Other top ten singles: 7
Best track: "Slave To The Music" by Twenty 4 Seven
Hidden gem: "Born In The Ghetto" by Funky Poets

I went to Savers today and found not one, but two Hit Machines! That's a rare occurrence indeed. So let's get into it, starting with the fourth volume of the series.

Twenty 4 Seven get to lead off proceedings with one of the best dance tracks of the early-to-mid-'90s in "Slave To The Music". Still a fine tune even now, and it also has one of my favourite lyrics in pop music: "I can't live my life without jammin', that is why my life is so slammin'". Brilliant. For some odd reason the first two verses of lyrics have been omitted from the booklet. Bah!

Speaking of the lyric booklet, I also found it odd that it prints the word "niggas" several times for Xscape's "Just Kickin' It" but censors that word in the song itself. Actually that particular term is misspelled in the booklet, but you get the idea. Maybe they thought it was okay to write it but not say it? 

It's really difficult to separate "Slave To The Music" from Urban Cookie Collective's "Feels Like Heaven" as to which is the better dance track. They're both brilliant, but in different ways. I bet they'd fill a dancefloor in mere seconds at a '90s-themed rave night. As you can see above I went for "Slave..." as the superior song, slightly because the above-quoted lyric. When it comes to that he raps/she sings subgenre of Eurodance that I was such a fan of in the '90s but doesn't seem to exist anymore, Culture Beat's "Got To Get It" and "Maximum Overdrive" by 2 Unlimited complete the 1994 trifecta.

While the likes of Twenty 4 Seven, Urban Cookie Collective and Culture Beat are largely unheard of in 2021, M-People's "Moving On Up" is still well known thanks to its ubiquity on radio. It's not as good a song as the ones by those aforementioned artists, in my opinion.

Gawd, E.Y.C. sure did suck, didn't they? Select magazine wrote in their reviews in 1994, "Three bronzed troupers from Planet Ken come down to Earth and make a crap LP about falling in lurve. And that's it. The whole gamut from A to A". And that about sums it up. "Feelin' Alright" has a good bassline but the rest of the song is forgettable. If you're into rubbish boy bands then Take That are also on here with more of their atonal caterwauling.

"Open Up" by Leftfield and John Lydon barely cracked the top 40 but is actually very good. Come on, the dude from Sex Pistols does the vocals on it, how can you lose?

A quarter of the songs on here I'd never heard before. They are by Baby Animals, Depeche Mode, Xscape, Defryme and Funky Poets. The best of these is probably the Funky Poets, but Defryme are pretty good too. Didn't listen to them much in high school.

And that's why my life is so slammin'.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hits Now '89 Volume Two"

Compilation: Hits Now '89 Volume Two
Released: 1989 – WEA
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 3 – "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals, "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles, "The Living Years" by Mike & The Mechanics
Other top ten singles: 3
Best track: "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals
Hidden gem: "Veronica" by Elvis Costello

It's been a while since I added to my retro various artists collection, hasn't it? Well when you've collected as many as I have, they're going to get fewer and further between. That's just the way it is. So I was surprised to find one from the dim and distant year of 1989! At that time, I was 11 years old and had just started watching Rage on Saturday and/or Sunday mornings, so I remember about half of these songs, and their music videos. So, what did the pop world from the tail end of the '80s offer up?

It starts with "She Drives Me Crazy", one of the best songs of the '80s, let alone 1989. A song with an instantly-recognizable and brilliantly '80s music video to boot. I'm not going to use the dreaded I-word – that'd be 'iconic' – but it's right up there. This is immediately followed by "Ring My Bell" by Collette, one of the worst songs of all time, let alone 1989. I'm not sure this even deserves to be on here, let alone given the coveted position of track number 2, but perhaps it's worth it considering it's a fairly typical example of how bad pop music could get in 1989. Gawd, Collette's thin and reedy vocals are another atonal opus for the profoundly deaf.

Speaking of fashion models who try to sing but can't, near the end is Samantha Fox, and "I Only Wanna Be With You", a cover version from the olden days. That's kind of naff as well, but Samantha Fox is leagues ahead vocally, of Collette. 

Next up is "Chained To The Wheel" by The Black Sorrows, their highest-charting single and the only song I like by them. I'm sure I've mentioned this on this blog before, but the opening seconds of this song always bring back memories of doing exercises on the lower playground in primary school. When I was in Year 6, the Year 4 teacher Mr. Jennings always used to make the whole school, even the little squirts, do weekly aerobics. He would always play the same two songs, and this was one of them. The other one was "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul, and for some reason I always expect that song to follow when I hear "Chained To The Wheel". I bet that cassette with just those two songs on it is still in the back seat of Mr. Jenning's army-green Moke.

In 1991 or so, an uncle from England visited my family in Perth, and my mum told him I kept up with the charts and the latest music etc. So he says to me, expecting to catch me out, "Have you heard of Tanita Tikaram?" I said yes, because I actually had, from reading Smash Hits. But I'd never heard any of her songs – until now. And, well, "Twist In My Sobriety" is rather dour and underwhelming. I'm sure she has plenty of other songs, though.

"One Summer" by Daryl Braithwaite is another song I remember from the final months of the eighties and although I wasn't much interested by it at the time, it has grown on me since. "Rise" is still my favourite song by him, though. And "The Horses" can go suck it.

Aside from Fine Young Cannibals, the other two no.1 singles on here are fairly well known, getting airplay on Smooth FM and the like even now. "The Living Years" sounds like the closing credits music to an '80s action flick. I've probably used that line before, but it applies to more than one song, okay? And if you don't think so, then I guess we don't see eye to eye. See what I did there?

"What I Am" by Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians seemed like the stupidest song I'd ever heard when I was 11. And, well, it is. The lyrics were certainly dumb, but they stood out from those of the typical vapid pop songs of the time. Is this actually deep philosophizing or hippie bulldust? I'll leave it with you.

"Downtown" by Petula Clark was a number 1 hit back in 1964, but the version here is a remixed version titled "Downtown '88". It peaked at number 58 on the Australian charts. I can't say I'm a fan of this song, in either version, thanks to it being used in a particularly annoying Coles ad ten years ago. Boy, that cacophonous wailing and the tagline of "Look for tha big red hand, 'Straya!" sapped my will to live back then – and probably killed any enthusiasm for the song that may have existed.

The remix has a nice beat and bass line though, for what it's worth.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 12"

 

 

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 12
Released: 1993 – Polygram
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: None
Other top ten singles: 5
Best track: "Let Me Show You" by K-Klass
Hidden gem: "Roundabout" by Caligula

In my pursuit to collect the first 18 installments of the 100% Hits series, now that I have this one, the 13th volume is the only one I don't have. Stay tuned for whenever that is.

So, let's get into Volume 12. Looking at the cover, you see that someone decided to put the number 12 in Roman numerals. However due to some inexplicable oversight they done screwed up and put "X11" instead of "XII" in every other instance (spine, back cover, etc.). Someone wasn't paying attention in school, were they?

It starts with the atonal caterwauling that opens "Stay" by Eternal, which believe it or not is the second-highest-charting song on this album – it reached number 3 (right behind "Whatta Man", number 2). Huh? It has that tinny mid-'90s dance beat that appeared on so many pop/R&B tracks at the time. The song that follows, "Groove Thang" by Zhané, also uses it only it's a bit less tinny. I'm glad the word "thang" was outlawed a few years after this.

"U R The Best Thang" – sorry, "Thing" – by D:Ream isn't the rave anthem their previous hit "T:hings C:an O:nly G:et B:etter" (sorry, now I'm just being obnoxious) purported to be. In fact it's a real snoozefest, despite it charting at number 9. "I Wanna Dance" by that dweeb Melodie MC wasn't actually as bad as I remembered, in fact it's pretty good! And somehow he lets a few 'swear words' through that surprisingly go unedited here (in the printed lyrics, too). Also note the pause near the start followed by a call of "Ya ready?" which blatantly copies the "Y'all ready fa' dis?" drop from 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready Fa' Dis".

I wish "I Like To Move It" by Real 2 Real had been forgotten after its chart run but no, bloody Madagascar went and revived it. It was irritating as hell then and nothing has changed. The music reviewer in The West Australian asked at the time, "Will somebody shoot The Mad Stuntman?" Yes indeed. I just checked to see if he has indeed been shot but unfortunately he is still alive.

"Shaka Jam" by Kulcha is pretty uninspired and obnoxious (though it did peak at number 7, what was going on there), it uses that same tinny beat and that "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ayyyy" bit is just lame. Were try-hard Aussie 'gangstas' really talking like this in 1994? (Yes.)

It isn't until track 10 that the gear is finally kicked up. "Let Me Show You" by K-Klass is a goddamn banger, and I'll see anyone outside who disagrees! No tinny beats here, just some ace piano-house groove with a female vocal – a mix that'll always rate high with me every time. 

"Return to Innocence" is Enigma's first single to impact the charts since their massive 1991 hit "Sadeness Part 1", and it's a real earworm! Or Ohrwurm, as Germans would have it. Either way, it's good. It uses that Deep Forest trick of blending world-music vocal samples with modern electronic beats and synths, only Enigma's effort is less chillout and more dancebeat, if ya get my drift.

"Laid" by James is one of the stupidest songs ever written. It manages to combine one of the worst band names of all time with one of the worst choruses of all time. It never got higher on the charts than number 40, and I'm not surprised. I think they intended it to be a joyous celebration of lovemaking, but I just find it ham-fisted and inept. Whoever wrote this 'song' should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. The only good thing is it's very short (seems like getting 'laid' didn't last very long, heh heh), in fact it's mercifully the shortest song on the disc.

"Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms still to this day gets airplay on BOZO-FM, having that inoffensive FM Rawk™ sound that is vaguely memorable. Strangely it barely dented the top 30. That's also true for Electric Hippies' "Greedy People" (the part about the top 30 I mean), but it's a superior song yet I've never heard it on the radio apart from the time it was charting (the only single by them to chart). Confusing.

There's a lot of generic pop/R&B guff on here which are easily outshined by the dance tracks. I'm also adding on a point for the running time – the album clocks in at over 76 minutes! Value for money, kids.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Raiders Of The Pop Charts" (UK)

  

Compilation: Raiders Of The Pop Charts
Released: 1982 – Ronco
Number of tracks: 15
Number one singles: 1* – "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" by Culture Club
Other top ten singles: 6*
Best track: "Mickey" by Toni Basil
Hidden gem: "Best Years Of Our Lives" by Modern Romance

(*Since this is a UK compilation, the above info relates to the songs' performances on the British charts.)

Here's another compilation on vinyl bought from the excellent Waverley Antiques Bazaar, which I first heard about from someone in Bendigo last July, despite living in this part of Melbourne for nearly 16 years — and which I inexplicably only got round to visiting for the first time, today! I must say I'll be a regular customer there from now on, as it's only a ten minute drive from where I live. (And I can skive off there after work! Bargain!)

Now, I said I would only be buying Australian compilations, and this is clearly a British one, so why make the exception? Is there a song on it I just had to have? No. Three reasons really: (a) It only cost five bucks; (2) I had actually heard of it before when researching the history of compilations — I mentioned it in the very first compilation review I did on this blog; and (D) how could I pass it up with a title like that?

You can see for yourself the cover art with 'Indiana Jones', or 'Illinois Evans' if you will, on the cover there. Also notice the 'Part 1', indicating there is a second record paired with this release. The same stall I got it from also had Part 2, but I passed it up, not recognizing a single song on it. 

I'm fully aware that since these songs charted primarily in the UK, I won't have heard of most of them — but really, I was living in the UK when this was released. I was only four at the time. Even so I have not heard of most of these acts in the intervening 38 years. I mean, Haircut 100? Raw Silk? Tight Fit? Incantation? Fat Larry's Band??? Never 'eard of 'em, guv'!

Anyway, the songs! It starts with "Our House" by Madness which here in Australia is currently known as the re-worded jingle for a nationwide chain of pharmacies. I'm guessing they chose it primarily because it has the word 'house' in the title, much like said pharmacies. Other songs they rejected or couldn't get the rights to: "I'll House You", "Doctorin' The House", "House Of Love" and even Madness' own "House Of Fun". Note to advertising agencies: write your own jingles, stop being creatively braindead, and keep your grubby hands off the songs of my youth, you bastards!

I'd never heard of Modern Romance — pretty dumb band name if'n ya ask me — but "Best Years Of Our Lives" is a fun, reggae-tinged song. It still sounds good — you'd think I would have heard it at least once on the radio or seen the video through all my years of watching Rage, but no, 'twas not to be. I had to wait until the Year of Our Lord Twenty Twenty-one to hear it for the first time. It's good, slightly cheesy fun! And that's what '80s music should be, peeps.

Haircut 100. Another dodgy name. The UK has come up with some of the best band names I've ever heard, XTC and Ultravox among them, but I cannot count this as one. What does that even mean? "Love Plus One" is a good'un, mind. S'a grower not a shower. Snigger snigger.

"Theme From Harry's Game" is a song I had definitely heard before somewhere — which precludes it from being my 'hidden gem' on here — but I've racked me brains (took about five seconds) and I cannot remember where I heard it. Not on the radio, not on a music video show, and definitely not from watching the TV show whence it came — what, ya think I was watchin' gritty British urban dramas when I wasn't even able to tie my shoelaces? (And I've barely mastered it now!)

It's a great song though, reaching number 5 on the UK charts — a haunting, perfectly-harmonized a capella vocal which I assumed meant something incredibly weighty when translated from Irish. I thought maybe the chorus was in English: "Long long ago, far away" — that's my 'mondegreen' of it. Not even close. As it 'appens, guv'nor, the actual lyrics are "Fol lol the doh/fol the day". WHAT???

There's some weird stuff on here. A novelty Scottish cover of the '50s song "Rawhide" which didn't chart (not exactly raiding the pop charts there, eh?), followed by a panpipe instrumental called "Cacharpaya" which sounds like a South American folk song. At first I'd say this is absurd filler, but at least it puts some cultural variation into what's on offer here. 15 tracks of synth-pop and drum machines would be pretty boring, yeah?

The Pretenders' "Back On The Chain Gang" has that reggae bass previously exhibited by Modern Romance, then Japan (see what I mean about the band names?) follow with a melancholy piano waltz. A bit more genre diversity for you there. Oh and I recognize the female vocal on Raw Silk's "Do It To The Music" — a single line of it was sampled for the mega-ace Megabass album in 1990.

Toni Basil finishes off this album with the all-conquering "Mickey", which just missed out on the number 1 spot in the UK, kept off the top by Tight Fit (though not the song by them that's on here). "Mickey", despite it being a cover, IS the '80s. This track should have come first, but maybe they saved the best for last.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Thru The Roof '83"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Compilation Album Review: "Can't Beat The Music Volume 1"

 

Compilation: Can't Beat The Music Vol. 1
Released: 1992 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Other top ten singles: 5
Best track: "The Globe" by Big Audio Dynamite II
Hidden gem: "Once Bitten Twice Shy" by The Angels

One last whip 'round the op shops for 2020 and I managed to find this first volume in the three-volume Can't Beat The Music series from 1992. Interestingly, unlike the long-running 100% Hits and Hit Machine serieseseseses, this one says Vol. 1 on the cover in anticipation of there being a follow-up. I found Volume 2 way back in July 2017, so this has been a long time coming!

There aren't any numero uno singles on this disc, probably due to some dreary song staying forever at number 1 (a certain lame-o 'bootscooting' song springs to mind), but it opens strongly with its best track "The Globe" and then its second-best track "Justified And Ancient" by The KLF feat. Tammy Wynette. "The Globe" was an ace follow-up to "Rush" and has a definite British 'rave' flavour, and it's the long album version that appears here, not the single edit.

As for "Justified And Ancient", when I was 14 I didn't fully appreciate how truly bonkers this was! I mean, I knew it was odd for a British rave/dance act recruiting country music legend Tammy Wynette (who was 49 at the time) to sing quaint and bizarre lyrics on a remade version of the song, but didn't give it too much more thought. I often wondered if Tammy wrote the lyrics that she sings ("They said 'Tammy, stand by the JAMs'" would tend to suggest she did, but she is not credited as one of the songwriters). You can kind of tell that she's probably thinking 'What the hell am I singing' when she gets to the line "All bound for Mu Mu land". But I think you'll agree, the pop world of 1992 was all the better off because she agreed to do it.

The tracks that follow this are good — Rozalla's house anthem "Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)" and "Mustang Sally" by The Commitments, a song that seemed to be everywhere in '92 (one of my school bands played it all the time) so I was surprised it only reached number 43 on the charts.

Between those two songs is one I had no recollection of, despite it charting at number 12: "Pride (In The Name Of Love) by Clivillés & Cole. I remembered that they did this U2 cover but when it started to play, I couldn't identify it. It's bleep-pop opening intro sounds cool though — sorry to say I had no recollection of it, and I was a fan of C+C Music Factory! Speaking of whom, there's a song by them on here — their fourth single which has a long title.

"One Word" by Baby Animals, my favourite song by them, still sounds good and probably gets a lot of airplay on Oz Rok™ FM stations today; it deserved to go top 10, which it didn't. None of Baby Animals' singles did, but this came the closest, at number 15.

Then we get to "Word Is Out" by Kylie Mole. Minogue, I mean. I like the piano house backing, reminiscent of Black Box's "Hold On" and "Open Your Eyes", and "Keep The Groovin'" (the Round 4 music in Streets Of Rage), but ho hum, it ain't one of her most memorable songs. But she's a prostitute in the music video, so there's that. This is followed by Naughty By Nature's "O.P.P.", which cleverly avoids saying "pussy" or "penis" in the lyrics — if this was released in 2020 those would be the only lyrics, such is the crudity and vulgarity which doth prevail these days.

The remaining tracks (George & Elton, Dannii, Farnsey, Dezzzzz'ree, New Skids On My Jocks) don't exactly light my lemon, although it's a pleasant surprise to see perv-pop gem "Crucified" by Army Of Lovers on here. It almost made the Australian top 50, so I wouldn't think many buyers of this album would have heard of it, but it's a worthy addition to this set.

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 10"

 

Compilation: Hit Machine 10
Released: 1995 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: None
Other top ten singles: 8
Best track: "Excalibur" by F.C.B.
Hidden gem: "You Gotta Know" by Supergroove

Righto, it's the tenth installment of the Hit Machine series which had proved itself a serious rival to the dominant 100% Hits series. What will they serve up this time? Why, whatever was in the charts in the latter half of 1995, silly.

It starts with "Shy Guy" by Diana Young, a number 3 hit which I think got a boost in popularity from Bad Boys. That annoying 'reggae' type of singing was everywhere in 1993 and two years later it was still lingering on as far as the ARIA charts were concerned. Irie, mon. (What?)

Next up is The Real McCoy and their heartfelt ballad "Love And Devotion". Nothing says sensitivity and sentimentality than a deep-voiced dude intoning over house synths, right SNAGs? And then we've got "U Sure Do" by Strike which sounds decent but the vocals in the verses are buried so low in the mix they are practically inaudible. I get that they're sampled from somewhere, but still, I have no idea how this got released without having this mixing error corrected. Unless it's not an error, in which case, you're crazy!

"Forever Young". You know the song, and you hate its stupid lyrics. So does everyone else who ever existed. I don't know who wrote it, and I don't much care, but some European outfit called "Interactive" give it a techno workout. For years I thought they were singing "Why don't you be forever young" instead of "I want to be forever young". There's a great moment at the end of the video where the singer performing on stage suddenly turns into a little kid. He steps off the stage and the crowd part to let him out. For some reason he then exits out the back of the venue, puts on some sunglasses, and nothing happens after that. If you know what that was meant to mean, let me know, because that has always bugged me. It's been a quarter of a century, man!

Track 5, the mighty "Excalibur" by F.C.B. (which I thought stood for "Fortuna – Carmina Burana" for a long time – it actually stands for the initials of the guys who produced it), one of the best tracks of 1995 and a number 2 hit. This thing just demands to be played loud, 25 years later and it's still brilliant.

I was in Year 12 when this all came out, and my schoolmates used to occasionally shout out "Mister Magoo! You may be blin' but I can still see you!" WTF? This is of course the opening line to Herbie's "Right Type Of Mood", and it makes no sense (the song features some pretty dumb lyrics it has to be said) but it's a fun little tune even if nobody ever heard from 'Herbie' again. Let's just see if he's still alive...checking Wikipedia...yeah, he is.

"Try Me Out" is not one of Corona's best efforts and is decidedly inferior to "The Rhythm Of The Night" and (especially) "Baby Baby". Meh. Next up it's "Don't Give Me Your Life", number 13 hit and dancefloor banger from Alex Party! Yeah! Only they've used a remix of the song ("Dancing Divaz Edit"), and while it has some nice pianner chords, it's not a patch on the original mix. A bit of a disappointment, but the inclusion of remixes show they were at least trying to do something different.

M-People and A.K. Soul are next up with some fair-to-middling dance tracks, then it's Christine Anu's "Party". I think Channel 10 were using it for a station promo at one point, it was getting a lot of airplay, so I think it should have got higher than number 20 in the charts. It's just a fun song that reminds me of my final year of high school. It's also one of 6 tracks on here that also appear on Smash Hits '95. And speaking of which, they both end with the same track: The Steppers' "Alice, Who The F..k Is Alice?" which I assume is the reason for the "offensive language" warning on the cover, but it's the 'bleeped' version (which I think is funnier than the uncensored one).

(By the way, the overlap with the tracklisting of Smash Hits 95 is probably due to it being released by Sony, one of the record companies that also contributed to Hit Machine).

You can't get more bang for your 27 bucks (from memory that's typically how much CDs cost in 1995) with the runtime of this set – it clocks it at a disc-busting 78 minutes and 47 seconds! You can't get much more music than that. Kudos to the compilers – but you should've used the original mix of the Alex Party track!

RIP, Scatman John.

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '91"

Compilation: Smash Hits '91
Released: 1991 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 3 — "Jukebox In Siberia" by Skyhooks, "The Horses" by Daryl Braithwaite, "Sucker DJ" by Dimples D
Other top ten singles: 9
Best track: "Jukebox In Siberia" by Skyhooks
Hidden gem: None, because I've heard all these songs before. Been there, done that, man!

The hot streak continues! I must admit this was one of the last compilations I'd expected to find, and in an op shop where their CD shelf consisted mainly of Gina G singles, at that. But those have been tossed into the trashcan where they belong, and up popped this little gem. It seems like they couldn't decide on the title; it's called Smash Hits '91 on the inside cover of the booklet, the back cover, spines, and the CD itself, and Smash Hits 1991 on the front cover only.

There's a fair bit of overlap with Video Smash Hits Dance Mix, another compilation Columbia released (and only one of two which I got when it came out!) which was a genre compilation rather than a chart one (although all the songs on it charted). Five songs on it appear on both albums: "Step Back In Time", "Wiggle It", "3 a.m. Eternal", "Games" and "Sucker DJ" (which incidentally all appear sequentially on Smash Hits '91). Both albums also start with a C+C Music Factory track, although not the same song. The catalogue number for the Video Smash Hits Dance Mix CD is lower than Smash Hits '91, so I assume that came out first.

Right, that's the dorky details out of the way! This is a pretty solid lineup, with 12 songs that made the top 10, most of the others making the top 20, and 10 Australian artists. To avoid teenage girls hurling Molotov cocktails at the Smash Hits offices, there's a New Kids On The Block song on here — towards the end you'll find the try-hard rap single "Games [The Kids Get Hard Mix]" (yeah, I bet they do, snigger snigger). No less than Donnie Wahlberg was voted best rapper in the pages of Smash Hits, despite some stiff competition (Betty Boo, Vanilla Ice, Turbo B). Make of that what you will but his opening monologue of "'Positivity is not about bein' sawft, it's about bein' smart — yew suckehhhhhhhr" makes me laugh every time. The dude's a comedy genius. It's almost as if he wanted to take the piss out of all this "we suddenly have street cred" baloney.

If you like rap, there actually is a real rap song here in Sound Unlimited Posse's "Unity", which is the final song. It is also the lowest-charting song on here, having reached number 40 (just behind "Games", number 33), but it deserved much higher — this is from the year that "Pump It" by Icy Blu reached the top 10. Shudder. The compilers wisely did not go anywhere near that dreck.

Oh, and there's more rap with De La Soul's "Ring Ring Ring" as well, and it's the 'Radio Decision' version which is the one used for the music video. The differences are slight, but they are there. The other version appears on another compilation, so that's all bases covered.

What else is on here...let's see, there's Barnesy wailing his way through a 'tender' ballad, Roxus and their stalker/nice guy hit, the Skyhooks comeback single which is the highlight of this disc, Warrant with some good ol' cock-rock and Hoodoo Gurus with hippie action. Then there's Daryl Braithwaite and "The Horses" — a song which I had totally forgotten reached number 1 until recently. I'm yet to understand Australia's weird fascination with this Rickie Lee Jones cover. Only five days ago it was performed to massive crowd response at the Concert for National Bushfire Relief in Sydney. They loved it!

The final song I have to make mention of is "Hot Chilli Woman" by Noiseworks. It's a pretty good song, but it was released a full 13 months after the lead single from their album, "Freedom", a song which I liked a lot more (actually it's my favourite Noiseworks song). But while "Freedom" reached number 30, "Hot Chili Woman" got to number 7 — showing that the massive time lag between Noiseworks singles meant that their fans vastly preferred party tunes about bonkin' in the bedroom to psychedelic meditations on freedom and faith.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 18"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 18
Released: 1995 – EMI
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 3
Best track: "Country House" by Blur
Hidden gem: "Downtown Venus" by PM Dawn

When I picked up Smash Hits '94 and Hit Machine 8, I also found 100% Hits Volume 19 in the same op shop and passed it up. Looking at the tracklisting, other than Blur's "Charmless Man", most of the songs were rubbish. That's part of the reason why my cutoff year for these chart compilations is 1995; it seems pop music took a large dip in quality after that year. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence but 1995 was my last year of high school and once I started uni the following year I started listening to more alternative music on Triple J because the stuff in the charts largely didn't cut it for me any more. And so, I made a mental note to myself that if I ever found 100% Hits Volume 18 it would be the last from that series I would get. And eleven days later, I got it.

It's a shame because it really is the low point of the series thus far, hence the low rating. One reason for this is it only has 17 tracks, and a comparatively short running time at around 66 minutes. There are no number one singles on it — its biggest hits are "Fairground" by Simply Red and "I'd Lie For You" by Meat Loaf, both of which reached number 7. Four songs on here didn't even chart, and of the remaining thirteen, the average chart position is number 21.

But hey — that doesn't necessarily mean the songs themselves aren't good. For a start, it opens with Queen's "Heaven For Everyone", put together after the sad loss of Freddie Mercury 4 years earlier, and it got to number 15 in Australia. Then comes "Sunshine After the Rain" by Berri, a pretty good dance track but it would have been better if they'd written more than 3 lines of lyrics!

"Somethin' 4 Da Honeyz" (man, it hurt to type that out) by Montell Jordan is sexist rubbish (would a line like "Call up your girlfriends, and you know there always tends to be an ugly one, but bring her too" fly nowadays?) Then comes Shaggy, who sucks bigtime, but he at least insists on announcing his name at the start of each one of his songs so you can reach for the skip button.

Some of the artists here I'd never heard of: Dana Dawson and Billie Ray Martin. Portrait I'd forgotten. I was surprised the PM Dawn track was unconventional and quite good, given their former sadsack wuss-rap output, and I expected to dislike Chris Isaak's number 9 hit "Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" (I don't remember liking it first time around) but that was pretty good too.

Blur's "Country House" (a UK number 1, number 28 in Australia) is right towards the end for some reason, and the final track is Tina Turner's James Bond theme "Goldeneye", which I had totally forgotten about. It is a pretty good way to finish proceedings here though.

The CD has quite an elaborate 20-page booklet with one song's lyrics on each page, with corresponding album info. Just to show you it ain't all bad. Also take a look at the typeface used on the cover — that font was everywhere in '95 and '96, wasn't it? But overall, this ain't as great as previous compilations, which proves gauging the popularity of chart music at any given time is, pardon the pun, hit and miss.

Rating: 4/10

Compilation Album Review: "Kool Skool"

Compilation: Kool Skool
Released: 1991 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 16
Number one singles: 1 — "Do The Bartman" by The Simpsons
Other top ten singles: 2
Best track: "Spin That Wheel" by Hi Tek 3
Hidden gem: "Unity" by Sound Unlimited Posse

(Just so you know, the above photo is of the CD in a freezer. 'Kool', get it? Never let it be said I don't go for realism in my review photos.)

So, here we have Kool Skool. I saw it on eBay, read the tracklisting and decided to get it (the asking price of $2.33 didn't hurt) even though I hadn't heard of it. In the handful of ARIA charts I have from 1991 it doesn't show up in the Compilations top 5 at all, and it's unusual in that it isn't a chart compilation, more of a genre compilation (house/rap/hip-hop). Even more unusually, it both starts and ends with novelty songs. And even even more unusually, it covers tracks from over a year's span ("Spin That Wheel" was charting in June 1990 and other tracks were charting in late 1991 and into early 1992).

Because of this album not charting (I assume), I have no idea when in 1991 it was released. This is important for dorks like me who like to order their CD collections. The 47 chart compilations I have so far are arranged in order of release, to the best of my knowledge. I assume this was released in late 1991 around the time Columbia released Video Smash Hits Dance Mix. For convenience's sake I've placed it between Wiggle N' Sweat '91 and Yo!...Let's Go!

Right, on to the CD itself. It breaks convention by not opening with its highest-charting single, but instead a rather silly (but entertaining nonetheless) novelty song entitled "I'll Be Back" by the deliberately-misspelled Arnee & The Terminaters, obviously inspired by Terminator 2. Rage never used to play the video for this song, if there even was one (I just checked. There isn't), and I never heard it when listening to Take 40 Australia on radio 6PM at the time, so I had never heard this song before. It doesn't exactly enjoy a good reputation but I don't mind it, really – it features the word 'cack' in the lyrics after all.

The other novelty song is of course "Do The Bartman", which ends this CD. I'm not sure what Nancy Cartwright thought when she was asked to perform this rap as Bart Simpson, but she does a good enough job. Most of the enjoyment, of course, comes from watching the music video. It topped the charts in five countries and went top 5 in seven more.

The other fourteen songs that come in between are more authentic examples of rap (except for George Michael and New Kids On The Block [their music was bloody awful, wasn't it?] which contain no rapping whatsoever), and at the risk of sounding like a boring old fart, rappers were actually better back then and I'll see anyone outside who disagrees! There's Freedom Williams, with his solid delivery, the humorous exploits of Young MC, the harder edge of Public Enemy (I'm glad they didn't censor the "Get that shit!" line) and one of two female MCs (three if you count Nancy Cartwright) in Nikki D. The other one of course being Ya Kid K who reigns supreme over them all. Ya Kid K is the one. The only rapper not really up to snuff is Candyman in "Knockin' Boots", a song that doesn't seem to have a proper ending. LL Cool J is also okay but his song here "Around The Way Girl" doesn't do him justice — it's pretty soppy stuff. Although I suppose his entire schtick is based around the premise that 'Ladies Love Cool James'.

Special mention must be made of Sound Unlimited Posse who were one of the few flying the flag for Australian hip-hop in 1991! Nowadays hearing rap in Aussie accents is pretty lame (I'm sorry, but it is), but those guys did it well, with a nice female singer to boot. Yo DJ!

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 8"

Compilation: Hit Machine 8
Released: 1995 – BMG
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 1 – "Another Night" by M.C. Sar & The Real McCoy
Other top ten singles: 8
Best track: "Dead Eyes Opened" by Severed Heads
Hidden gem: "Can't Get Enough" by Supergroove

Hit Machine 8 is a pretty solid compilation, and there's only one song that is eminently skippable, which I'll get to. These are all songs that charted at the tail end of 1994 into early 1995. When I was watching Rage and found that M.C. Sar had entered the charts with "Another Night", I thought hey, these are those same guys who did a cover of Technotronic's "Pump Up The Jam" back in 1990 with a dodgy German-accented rap (and I actually bought the cassingle of it!). When "Another Night" shot up to number 1 I'll bet few people knew them from that cover — and it's this song that opens the CD. It's nice and catchy enough, but it's always seemed like a somewhat sad song to me. "When the night is gone I'll be alone", the lyric that ends the first stanza of the chorus, is a rather depressing sentiment to be expressed in such an up-tempo song. But, as has been proved, techno and dance music isn't 'happy-clappy' all the time. "Mr. Vain" is another example of a lyrically dark techno song.

Next comes the song that you should skip if you hear this album: "Short Dick Man" by 20 Fingers feat. Gillette. I don't know who Gillette is or was, and I don't much care, but the song is repetitive, irritating, and about two minutes too long. Then there's the offensive aspect to it; just imagine if it was a dude singing about a woman's anatomy! The song would never be a hit and he'd be pilloried for it. But that aside, there are a fair bit of explicit lyrics in this song which aren't cut out, and there was even a 'radio friendly' edit of this song which they called "Short Short Man". I'm not the type who insists that swearing should be edited out on pop music compilations, but it has been on past releases — The Steppers, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Cypress Hill and Denis Leary have all had singles with the 'F-word' censored on albums like these, so why should bloody Gillette, of all people, be the one who gets away with it?

There at least two dance covers on here: "Total Eclipse Of the Heart" (Nicki French) and "Sky High" (Newton, which seems to rip off Corona's "The Rhythm Of The Night" in its intro). Possibly "Cotton Eye Joe" (Rednex) as well. Then there are updated versions of two '80s hits. The first of these is Arrow's reworking of "Hot Hot Hot", a song which always reminds me of a pool party I went to circa 1995, and the remix of Severed Heads' "Dead Eyes Opened" — I would definitely not have chosen it as the best out of these 20 songs if I'd listened to it in 1995, but I've come to appreciate it more over the years.

I'd forgotten Londonbeat's "Come Back" even though it reached the top 20 here, and "Sooner Or Later" by gf4 (the 'sexier' version of Girlfriend) was actually better than I remembered, even if the lyrics could be a little less middle-of-the-road. And it's good to hear Ya Kid K (is the one) on Technotronic's "Move It To The Rhythm", a song I don't remember hearing at all back in '95, and only tracked it down thanks to the internet, but that was ages later, dude.

Ween's "Voodoo Lady", one of my favourite songs by them, is also on here, with its great manipulated feedback breakdown in the middle. Ween were geniuses and I'll see anyone outside who disagrees! Boom Crash Opera remind us they were a damn fine rock/funk outfit with "Tongue Tied", but my hidden gem "Can't Get Enough" is the clear rock winner. What happened to Supergroove? They clearly had a lot of talent and deserved to be bigger than they were.

An entertaining enough way to spend 75 minutes! (But skip that Gillette track, it sucks.)

Rating: 7/10