Christmas Carols – how old are they?

They're probably older than you think, old boy!

I made this little infographic to show just how old some of them are. Perennial favourite "White Christmas" – the original version by Bing Crosby – clocks in at a sprightly 77 years, and I'll bet you didn't know that "Jingle Bells" is now a 162 year old song.

But it's happy 300th birthday to "Joy To The World" (its lyrics, at least)! Surely that says something about their songwriting that ensures these songs and hymns have continued to be enjoyed for so long. Merry Christmas!

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 17"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 17
Released: 1995 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 2 – "Kiss From A Rose" by Seal, "Insensitive" by J**n A***n
Other top ten singles: 3
Best track: "Common People" by Pulp
Hidden gem: "Devil's Diary" by The Caulfields

The seventeenth installment of the indefatigable 100% Hits series contains tracks from mid-1995, and there's some stuff here chart fans might not know, given that 13 of the 18 tracks here didn't reach the top ten – most of them didn't trouble the top 40. That don't necessarily mean bad, though. For instance the track I've chosen as my 'hidden gem' is one whose artist I'd never even heard of! I had never heard of The Caulfields before and yet their picture is one of four who graces the cover, as you can see above – along with Seal, Chris Isaak and complete tone-deaf muzak nobody J**n A***n! (As you may have guessed, I can't stand that stupid song "Insensitive" or the idiot who "sings" it. Have a look at my post recapping the Top 10 of August 19, 1995 if you really wanna know why.)

Let's get the nondescript pap out of the way first – "Water Runs Dry" by Boyz II Men, "Everytime You Go Away" ("every time" should be two words there) by Kulcha and "Shoot Me With Your Love" by D:Ream are all entirely forgettable and just taking up space here, and I'd never heard any of 'em before. However, some other tracks I'd never heard before turned out to be pretty good! The band with the stupidest name in the world (despite some stiff competition), Chocolate Starfish, appear here with "Accidentally Cool" which ain't half bad, and I fully expected to hate Sheryl Crow's "Can't Cry Anymore" because, well, it's Sheryl Crow. But that was another tune I enjoyed as well.

The other song I'd never heard before – at least this band's version of it – was "Alice, Who The X Is Alice" by Gompie. The above mentioned previous post linked above mentions it; it's a more straight ahead cover of "Living Next Door To Alice", but still features the shouted response with the "eff-word". The version here bleeps it out, as in The Steppers' version.

I don't think I'd listened to "I Believe" by Blessid Union Of Souls since it was in the charts 24 years ago (where it reached number 18). It notably features the word "nigger" in the lyrics, which was rather confronting for its time, but the term is used in context as being one which the song's narrator finds applied to himself by someone else, so it got through unscathed.

Max Sharam is here too; I liked her a lot. I had her album for a while – until I sold it, that is. "Lay Down (Candles In The Rain)" was the third single, and it's pretty good, but I can't stand the horrible lyrics. In Max's defence, it's a cover.

When I checked the excellent chart resource australian-charts.com I was surprised that Paula Abdul's "My Love Is For Real" got to number 7! I wouldn't think it was a top 10 hit upon listening to it, but then again I hadn't heard it in decades. And I was surprised to see Seal's lyrics are "I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey" – for years I thought it was "on the grave". Listen more closely, 17 year old me!

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '96"

Compilation: Smash Hits '96
Released: 1996 – Columbia / Sony Music Australia
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 1 – "Wonderwall" by Oasis
Other top ten singles: 7
Best track: "Apple Eyes" by Swoop
Hidden gem: "B.G. Tips – You Should Be Dancing" by E-Sensual

This is the fifth compilation I've found that was put together by dearly departed pop music magazine Smash Hits (Australian edition, 1984–2007), which I was a reader of from 1990 to 1996. I was only going to go as far as 1995 for my retro compilation collecting, but several of the tracks on here I associate with 1995 and probably charted into 1996, so it's a borderline case. And it only cost $1.45, so it's all systems go! As they say.

It opens unconventionally with "Peaches" by The Presidents Of The United States Of America, a song which has a great video, and a band I like, but it's not my favourite song by them; it seems a bit too long and meandering, and it lacks the punch and lyrical oddballness of their previous single "Lump" (which had charted at number 11, two places higher than "Peaches").

There's one-third Australian content with tracks by CDB, Human Nature (I can never distinguish those two, backing music-wise), Deni Hines, Peter Andre, Tina Arena, Hoodoo Gurus and A.K. Soul. The Hoodoos are the best of this bunch and the rest don't really stand out to me for whatever reason.

"Wonderwall" by Oasis is the sole number 1 single on here, and it's not a song I was all that fond of. People have raved about it, and it topped the Australian charts (for just one week – funny, I thought it was there for much longer) but I just wasn't into it. They followed it up with "Don't Look Back In Anger" which in my opinion is a far superior song.

The Coolio track "1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New)" has words like "ass" censored out of it – no idea why as Smash Hits never did so in the magazine itself – and it's a bit too atonal for my liking. I can't believe he followed up one of the biggest singles of the '90s with this rubbish.

A few of the well-known dance tracks of the day are here, including two instrumental hits, "Children" by Robert Miles (number 5) and "X-Files Theme" by Triple X (number 2). I never really was a fan of "Children" but it is a somewhat haunting and well-composed piece, and while the Triple X track is certainly atmospheric, it's basically just the X-Files theme sped up with a techno beat and a voice that sounds suspiciously like Dr. Robotnik from the Sonic The Hedgehog cartoons saying the show's name a few times.

Lastly I've got to mention "Macarena", and thankfully it's the Los Del Mar cover version that appears here, which is sung entirely in Spanish. It peaked at number 2 for three weeks in September 1996, stuck behind the irritating-as-buggery Los Del Rio version with those inane English lyrics. I hate that song. The Los Del Mar one is a bit easier on the ears, and so I give an extra 0.437 of a point to whoever the compiler was who chose that instead. ¡Gracias!


Rating: 5.437/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 11"

Here's the latest entry in my series of reviews for compilation albums from the '90s that I have bought second-hand and at least two decades after its release! Picked this one up today for a dollar. Let's go back a quarter-century, folks.

Compilation: 100% Hits, Volume 11
Released: 1994 – Warner Music Australia
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 3 – "Give It Up" by Cut 'N' Move, "It's Alright" by East 17, "Asshole" by Denis Leary
Other top ten singles: 2
Best track: "What's My Name?" by Snoop Doggy Dogg
Hidden gem: "Nails In My Feet" by Crowded House

The eleventh entry in the long-running 100% Hits series, this compilation has a fair bit of filler at the back end, but it's not a bad listen. It starts, oddly enough, with Snoop Doggy Dogg's "What's My Name?", which is the only song I like by him, before it gets to the first two above-mentioned number ones. I think pop music in 1994 saw a general decline in quality to previous years – sappy love ballads were everywhere – but thankfully there aren't too many here. Thanks to D:Ream and Melodie MC (the rap lyrics in "Dum Da Dum" are bloody awful, aren't they?), it's mostly upbeat. Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Relax MCMXCIII" is included as well, and I'm not too familiar with the original version, so I can't tell if it's a remix or a re-recording.

Now to the filler and non-charting tracks. This is where the title "100% Hits" becomes a bit of a misnomer. The Crowded House track, which I had never heard of, sounds a lot like "Fall At Your Feet" but is actually a rather nice song. I have a new-found appreciation for them after I recently learned how to play "Weather With You" on guitar, that I didn't have in the '90s. Gary Sweet covers a Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs song from the '70s, and then there's one of those songs about sport/sportspeople that are best avoided. In this case it's some bloke called Doug Parkinson who I'd never heard of, but he's a singer who started in the '60s and here he's singing about some cricket player. You would have to travel far and wide to find someone who hates cricket more than I do, so you can probably guess my feelings on this.

But then! It finishes with number 1 hit "Asshole", the song that won Triple J's Hottest 100 poll in 1993, and the swearing is left in! I wonder if this was intentional, because the 'clean version' of the Snoop track is used (and the word 'bitch' gets censored). Whoever was responsible for this is a legend.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '89"

Compilation: Smash Hits '89
Released: 1989 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles (though the chart info supplied states 3, as according to the Kent Music Report — alternate chart to ARIA)
Other top ten singles: 12
Best track: "Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry
Hidden gem: "Hurricane" by James Freud

The last year of the eighties, according to Australia's best and brightest pop magazine, as they liked to describe themselves. Well, it's a varied bunch. You can rock out with Poison ("Fallen Angel), Mental As Anything ("Rock And Roll Music") or Indecent Obsession ("Say Goodbye"), or wuss out with Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan or New Kids On The Block. But the wussy stuff is just as important as the rockin' stuff. Not only does it provide some contrast (you don't really want to listen to 65 minutes of squealing guitars do you? And if so, please seek help now), but it's all about painting the picture of the pop landscape that prevailed at the time.

I owned a single issue of Smash Hits from 1989. I didn't buy it new, I picked it up in some second hand shop somewhere just out of curiosity. It had Kate Ceberano on the cover who I think was reviewing the singles. Anyway, it was interesting to see what was dominating the charts in the last few months before the start of 1990 when I became an avid chart follower (and Smash Hits reader soon after). I miss those times!

Rating: 6/10

My Favourite Eurovision Entries by Country

In keeping with the Eurovision theme, here is a list of each country that has participated in the Eurovision Song Contest since it began in 1956, and my favourite song each of them has entered. (I'm hardly what you'd call an expert on the entire history of the Contest, but I have watched it each year since 1998.)


ALBANIA
"Ktheju Tokës" — Jonida Maliqi, 2019 (17th place)
A very unusual song, but one of the highlights of this year. I must confess I'm not familiar with many of Albania's 16 entries to date, but it was refreshing to hear a song in their language this year (I'm all for countries using their own language instead of English – that's why I started watching Eurovision in the first place).

ANDORRA
I have nothing for tiny Andorra...sorry! They have only appeared at Eurovision 6 times (2004-09), and have never qualified for a final. It appears further appearances are unlikely, unfortunately. Their entries were always performed, in whole or in part, in Catalan.

ARMENIA
"Not Alone" — Aram MP3, 2014 (4th place)
This song had a great EDM sound. One of the few highlights of 2014. It also equalled Armenia's best ever result.

AUSTRALIA
"Zero Gravity" — Kate Miller-Heidke, 2019 (9th place)
Out of Australia's five Eurovision appearances, I think this song is the best. Even without the elaborate staging (swaying on a bendy pole), it's a powerful song, about a serious subject (coming out of depression). It has a great bassline, and the coda is brilliant as well. I would have liked to see it place higher, but 9th place is a respectable result.

AUSTRIA
"Weil Der Mensch Zählt" — Alf Poier, 2003 (6th place)
This is my all-time favourite Eurovision song. It might seem a bit weird given its subject matter (go read a translation of the lyrics now) and staging, but it has several things going for it: 1. It's sung by a comedian. 2. The sharp contrast between the 'hard rock' bits and the poppier parts. 3. He sings it in his native dialect. 4. The choruses sound like the jollying Eurovision singalongs of old. 5. The title doesn't really have a connection to the lyrics. I can't believe it came 6th, but I'm not complaining.

AZERBAIJAN
"Running Scared" — Ell & Nikki, 2011 (Winner)
I had to rely on Wikipedia for this one – Azerbaijan hasn't stuck in my memory as far as its entries go, but I definitely remember this winning song. I should have remembered them more; they ranked in the top 8 in their first 6 appearances!

BELARUS
"My Galileo" — Aleksandra & Konstantin, 2004 (SF 19th place)
An unconventional choice – my fave song Belarus has ever entered is one that didn't even make the final and was one of the lowest-ranked songs that year. I really like it though, even though I can't make out all of the lyrics. It's just a really nice pop song with folk sounds blended in.

BELGIUM
"Sanomi" — Urban Trad, 2003 (2nd place)
I was really hoping this song, sung in nonsense lyrics, would win in 2003. Tough competition that year, including my all-time fave (see Austria), but a great result nonetheless. Also, the lead singer looked a lot like Victoria Beckham. Unlike Victoria though, she had singing talent.

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA
"Bistra Voda" — Regina, 2009 (9th place)
Bosnia & Herzegovina has a classy Eurovision record, submitting fine songs that show they take it seriously. I loved Dino Merlin's "Love In Rewind" from 2011 which finished 6th, but I think "Bistra Voda" has the edge on it; it's a powerful song.

BULGARIA
"DJ, Take Me Away" — Deep Zone & Balthazar, 2008 (SF 11th place)
I loved this blast of EDM – a very modern sound with tempo shifts and some great instrumental breaks. It never made the 2008 final which was a big disappointment for me (yeah, I'll get over it someday).

CROATIA
"Marija Magdalena" — Doris Dragovic, 1999 (4th place)
Pop music with a folk twist. Some great vocals. Croatia usually comes up with good stuff and this is their best result, equalling their 4th place in 1996.

CYPRUS
"Femme Fatale" — Evdoki Kadi, 2008 (2SF 15th place)
One of the few entries I've liked from Cyprus, this is the best of a so-so bunch. It's not sung in English though so that's a bonus!

CZECH REPUBLIC
"Friend Of A Friend" — Lake Malawi, 2019 (11th place)
Great sound – I was hoping these guys would do better. They wuz robbed in the popular vote, says I. But I'll czech out their other songs too. My second-favourite song this year.

DENMARK
"Love Is Forever" — Leonora, 2019 (12th place)
Denmark have a long Eurovision history but this year's entry was the best song I've heard by them – it was sung mostly in English but three other different languages got a few lines too, which is always good. I thought Denmark's winning entry in 2000 was a bit rubbish to be honest.

ESTONIA
"Rockefeller Street" — Getter Jaani, 2011 (24th place)
Damn, how could this only rank 24th? But then 2011 was a high-quality year. This was my fave from that year, a stomping bit of hard dance. Brilliant! By the way, there is no such Manhattan address as 1273 Rockefeller Street; I made sure to check when I was there.

FINLAND
"Hard Rock Hallelujah" — Lordi, 2006 (Winner)
Even without the monster masks, this will forever be known as the entry that brought hard rawk back to the Eurovision stage. The Scandinavians know how to ROK, that's for sure.

FRANCE
"Un, Deux, Trois" — Catherine Ferry, 1976 (2nd place)
France was a real Eurovision powerhouse in its early years and the nation has a rich and proud musical tradition – '60s and '70s French pop is great! However, songs sung in French, once a fixture at the top end of the Eurovision scoreboard, aren't often to be seen up there in recent years. The last one to take out the prize was Switzerland in 1988, before that Belgium in 1986, Luxembourg last did it in 1983, and the French themselves haven't won since 1977 – not once in my entire lifetime. I'm gonna go with a song from the classic era, a good example of how catchy French pop could be.

GEORGIA
"Midnight Gold" — Nika Kocharov & Young Georgian Lolitaz, 2016 (20th place)
A very Britpop-sounding song with unusual lyrics. Great bass! Very underrated in coming 20th.

GERMANY
"Ein Bißchen Frieden" — Nicole, 1982 (Winner)
One of the all-time best – an honest and earnest song pleading for peace. A beautiful song. I think there might be versions in other languages; the German version is the best one. It stood as Germany's only winning song for 28 years.

GREECE
"Watch My Dance" — Loukas Giorkas & Stereo Mike, 2011 (7th place)
Greek entries all tend to sound similar; not that they're bad, it just makes it harder to distinguish "My Number One" from "Secret Combination" from "Aphrodisiac" from...you get the idea. (They even entered a song called "OPA!" one year. Get the picture?) This 2011 entry had Greek instruments and a familiar feel to it, but broke up the formula by having rap verses in English before shifting into a chorus in Greek with an unconventional tempo (I think in every line of the chorus it's 4 beats per bar except the final bar which has 6 beats?). Anyway, it's great.

HUNGARY
"Forogj, Világ!" — NOX, 2005 (12th place)
That's a terrible band name, but the song makes up for it. Hungary aren't exactly prolific at Eurovision; this song was their comeback after a 6-year absence.

ICELAND
"Congratulations" — Silvia Night, 2006 (SF 13th place)
I don't think a lot of people liked Silvia Night when she performed at the 2006 semi-final (and failed to qualify) – but she didn't exactly endear herself to the audience and the Greek media. The song itself isn't bad – a few funny lines (and probably the only Eurovision song to contain the 'F-word'), but I have to wonder if it was all a stunt.

IRELAND
"Lipstick" — Jedward, 2011 (8th place)
Ireland have more Eurovision wins than anyone else, and to be honest I don't like any of 'em. All that maudlin Irish balladry makes you want to kill yourself. However, there are a lot more interesting entries they've had than those seven winning songs, and I rate "Lipstick" pretty high for its sheer energy. No reminiscing here, just a strong performance.

ISRAEL
"A-Ba-Ni-Bi" — Izhar Cohen & Alphabeta, 1978 (Winner)
This song won in the year I was born. It was also Israel's first win, and changed the musical landscape in a way too. It also [citation needed] proved that people other than shady Manhattan drug dealers could have an afro. Combine Hebrew wordplay with disco sounds and you're onto a winner!

ITALY
"Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)" — Domenico Modugno, 1958 (3rd place)
Italy have a fine tradition of song competitions and, despite their absence from Eurovision from 1998 until 2010, still proved they are a force to be reckoned with, coming 2nd twice and 3rd once since their 2011 comeback. I have to pick "Volare" as their finest moment, even though it didn't give them a victory. But thanks to Dean Martin, it has become one of the best-known Italian songs of all time.

LATVIA
"I Wanna" — Marie N, 2002 (Winner)
The 2002 Contest was the only one I watched late, because I had been living in Japan that year and couldn't see it on TV. When I got home in August, I watched it on videotape. This is the only song I remember from that year – Marie N's costume changes during the song were quite skilfully done and helped implant it in voters' minds.

LITHUANIA
"We Are The Winners" — LT United, 2006 (6th place)
Yeah, this one was good. I was actually hoping it would win, given the title. 6th place isn't bad though – if it came in the bottom 5 that would be another story.

LUXEMBOURG
"Poupée De Cire, Poupée De Son" — France Gall, 1965 (Winner)
Luxembourg were at Eurovision from the start, only missing it one year (1959) before withdrawing. They have not participated since 1993. In those early years they were a force, winning five times. This is one of my top picks for best Eurovision song ever: a a classic piece of mid-'60s Franco-pop, and the first Eurovision winner that wasn't a ballad.

MACEDONIA, NORTH
"Ninanajna" — Elena Risteska, 2006 (12th place)
Back when they were called the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, this song did pretty well for itself. Onomatopoeic lyrics tend to be looked down upon these days (it's a long way from the days of "boom bang-a-bang", "bem bom" and "ring ding-a-ding"), but I didn't mind it in this case.

MALTA
"Vodka" — Morena, 2008 (2SF 14th place)
Is this song really about boozing it up? "Vodka, I want it so bad", etc.? Who knows. It's a good song though, and one that really should have made the final in the lacklustre 2008 Contest.

MOLDOVA
"Boonika Bate Doba" — Zdob Si Zdub, 2005 (6th place)
Call me ignorant, but I actually hadn't heard of Moldova until Eurovision 2005. It was a great Contest that year (I bought the CD, only time I've ever done so) and this was my fave song from that year. Zdob Si Zdub are a great 'gypsy punk' band and I've kept up with their new tracks since then – this year they released a cool song called "India Ma Cheama". A high-energy performance with a drumming granny. In 2017 Moldova got their best result with "Hey, Mamma!" which came 3rd – another great song.

MONACO
"La Coco-Dance" — Séverine Ferrer, 2006 (SF 21st place)
The microstate of Monaco has an extensive Eurovision history, participating almost from the start. They have come 3rd three times, 2nd once, and their sole win was in 1971. Unfortunately, I have only heard a couple of Monaco entries, because they were absent from the Contest from 1980 until 2003. This entry of theirs from 2006, an upbeat Caribbean-style number, would turn out to be Monaco's final appearance at Eurovision.

MONTENEGRO
"Euro Neuro" — Rambo Amadeus, 2012 (1SF 15th place)
This song was a bit of a laugh – it almost comes off as a comedy song. However, forced rhyming aside, it had some nice instrumentation to it. You've also gotta love the way Rambo (!) enunciates the words "monetary breakdance".

MOROCCO
"Bitaqat Khub" — Samira Bensaid, 1980 (18th place)
Well, Morocco has only competed in Eurovision once, so I guess it has to be this song! The only entry to come from Africa, it provided a bit of Middle Eastern flavour to the Contest. I've only just listened to it on Youtube and it's not bad – it's a shame Morocco wanted no further part after this.

THE NETHERLANDS
"Arcade" — Duncan Laurence, 2019 (Winner)
The Netherlands have so many entries – it's hard to pick just one, especially when I've only heard a handful of them. I can't say any one Dutch entry has made much of an impact on me, so I'll go with this year's entry, because I still remember the tune pretty well. And it's notable for ending a 44-year winning drought. Can you believe these guys failed to qualify for the final for 8 years straight?

NORWAY
"Fairytale" — Alexander Rybak, 2009 (Winner)
The dude playing the violin, remember him? Yeah.

POLAND
"Love Song" — Blue Café, 2004 (17th place)
Poland's best result (2nd place) was in their debut year (1994). They haven't exactly shone at Eurovision since. Still, this effort was pretty good. Go check out the video and see what the singer Tatiana is wearing. See what I mean?

PORTUGAL
"Dança Comigo" — Sabrina, 2007 (SF 11th place)
There's no doubt Portugal's win in 2017 was a landmark for them, their first Eurovision success after no less than 49 attempts. I actually like this traditional-sounding dance number from a decade earlier but it didn't make the final.

ROMANIA
"The Balkan Girls" — Elena Gheorghe, 2009 (19th place)
Romanian is a nice-sounding language – I'm not sure if a Romanian version of this song exists, so I've only heard the English version. The lyrics in the verses are a bit twee, but it's a good song nevertheless. The synth chords in the chorus give a warm, cruising feel despite its upbeat nature.

RUSSIA
"Song No.1" — Serebro, 2007 (3rd place)
Serebro went on to have a number of hit singles in Europe, all of them better than Russia's winning song in 2008...

SAN MARINO
"Say Na Na Na" — Serhat, 2019 (19th place)
Hey, it's little San Marino, who have participated 10 times to date. I always secretly hope the smaller and lesser-known countries make the final. They have qualified for the final only twice, and this song gave them their best-ever result. Good on yer, San Marino.

SERBIA
"Cipela" — Marko Kon & Milan Nikolic, 2009 (2SF 10th place)
Serbia of course had a massive win in 2007 with "Molitva", another good song, but I prefer the upbeat numbers, so I chose this. And there's nothing you can do about it, matey!

SLOVAKIA
Slovakia have only entered Eurovision 7 times out of 64. I've got nothing here – sorry.

SLOVENIA
"Hvala, Ne!" — Lea Sirk, 2018 (22nd place)
This was really cool – and yet it only placed 22nd on the night of the final! For shame, people. I did like that bit in the semi-final performance when she pretended the musical backup was lost.

SPAIN
"La Venda" — Miki, 2019 (22nd place)
I'm not usually enamoured by Spain's entries in the 22 Eurovisions I've seen, but I really liked this one. The best thing Spain has entered in ages – and it only came 22nd! Come on, people. Spain is the country with the longest Eurovision winning drought: 50 years, and counting. Right behind them are Monaco (48 years) and then France (42 years).

SWEDEN
"Waterloo" — ABBA, 1974 (Winner)
An obvious choice, isn't it? ABBA and the whole disco era is a bit before my time, but this still stand out, 45 years later, as a landmark in Eurovision history. It's not my favourite ABBA song (that'd be "Super Trouper" if'n ya must know) but it's a well-crafted song that launched a long career and one of the most recognizable sounds to ever come out of Sweden.

TURKEY
"For Real" — Athena, 2004 (4th place)
An appealing upbeat piece of ska which earned a good result in the first year that Eurovision had a semi-final. These guys sounded a lot like Moldova's Zdob Si Zdub from the following year (or I should say Zdob Si Zdub had a similar sound to them) – another entry I loved.

UNITED KINGDOM
"Making Your Mind Up" — Bucks Fizz, 1981 (Winner)
This is the country I come from, so I have to choose carefully. But after much consideration ("Puppet On A String" – twee; "Boom Bang-A-Bang" – naff; "Save Your Kisses For Me" – total crap; "Love Shine A Light" – okay), I can now say this is the best thing they've sent to Eurovision. It's fun, it's catchy, and it's memorable for the 'skirt reveal'. But it also provided a happy sound to an otherwise bleak time in England in the early '80s.

UKRAINE
"Wild Dances" — Ruslana, 2004 (Winner)
I knew this one was going to win from the second the drumbeats kicked in. It gave Ukraine a Eurovision win on only its second* appearance!
*(Has a country ever won on its first appearance? Yes, technically it's Serbia, who won in 2007 – the first year they competed after splitting with Montenegro.)

YUGOSLAVIA
"Rock Me" — Riva, 1989 (Winner)
The formerly-existing country had its first and only win right at the tail-end of its lifespan. Admittedly it's the only entry from Yugoslavia I've heard apart from Tacji in 1990, but it's not bad.

Eurovision Results Map 2019 (amended)

Well, what do you know guys. Belarus stuffed up their votes in the Eurovision final, so I have had to adjust my map accordingly. The only two changes are for the countries that achieved their best result this year: San Marino and North Macedonia.

San Marino, who were 20th, are now placed 19th. And North Macedonia (in their first year under their new name, and their first appearance since 2012) who were 8th, are now 7th. And, because of Belarus' voting errors, North Macedonia have replaced Sweden as the winners of the jury vote. So you could call North Macedonia the real winners here! But that would be silly.

Eurovision Results Map 2019

I got up at 5am to watch the Eurovision final (now in its 64th year, as my stats map says) live from Tel Aviv, and once again it didn't disappoint. I thought the stage designers in Israel were going to follow Portugal's lead following their understated set in Lisbon last year, but no, it was more elaborate and startling than ever. Six billion pixels on those video screens!!!

Australia were invited to perform for the 5th time, and we did pretty well this year, coming 9th overall. I actually thought Kate Miller-Heidke's song "Zero Gravity" was the best of the lot, even without that frankly terrifying swaying-on-a-bendy-pole routine – I don't know how Kate managed to sing while doing that, especially with the vocal technique that she has. Shot outs also to Lake Malawi from Czech Republic and Leonora from Denmark – two more numbers I really did like (they finished 11th and 12th, respectively).

I was disappointed none of those three won – or placed in the top 5, which they deserved – but at least the winner, Duncan Laurence (gee, what a stereotypical Dutch name that is eh), was somebody who managed to break one of Eurovision's longest winning droughts. And so...The Netherlands were the winners, with their 5th win to date and their first since 1975!

Retro Album Review: Black Box – "Dreamland" (1990)

Released: May 1990 on RCA Records
Time since last listen: N/A (first listen)

Well, I say first listen, but the ubiquity of massive Italo-house group Black Box in the early 1990s means I've listened to five of the nine tracks on this album already. Yes, there are only nine tracks on this album, and I was already apprehensive about the familiar singles extended to boredom lengths. But the runtime clocks in at 42 minutes, so let's give it a spin.


Track 1 "Everybody Everybody"
The album opens, somewhat oddly, with its third single which only made it to number 35 in Australia, but achieved a more respectable number 16 in the UK. It's not a bad tune, with (like all the other singles bar "Ride On Time") sampled vocals from Martha Wash, who is of course uncredited. If, like me, you're a fan of the 1992 Sega Megadrive game Streets Of Rage II (a.k.a. Bare Knuckle II) and its awesome soundtrack by Yuzo Koshiro, you'll see the influence of this song on the game's track "Wave 131" – the music that plays during the opening beach scene of Stage 6.

Differences from other versions: I remember the version used in the music video started with four quick piano glissandos, but this version doesn't have them.


Track 2 "I Don't Know Anybody Else"
The second single, loved it in 1990, still love it. Nobody did house piano like these guys, eh? A phenomenal piece of work, just the right balance of elements, none of it feels weak. This is the first time I saw Katrin Quinol fronting the group, in the video for this song (and on the album cover above). (This is because we in Australia got a very weird Australia-only music video for "Ride On Time", without Katrin in it, which I actually prefer to all other versions of the video.) It got to number 6 in Australia; it deserved higher.

Differences from other versions: This version starts with some bloke counting the song in, instead of the few rapid drum beats, before the vocals start.


Track 3 "Open Your Eyes"
This was the sixth (!) single released from the album, entering the Australian top 100 in March 1992 and eventually getting to number 60. It had a video, but it was just cobbled together from old footage. The song has a synth line that obviously influenced Yuzo Koshiro and his Streets Of Rage video game music in 1991 – the Round 4 music "Keep The Groovin'" has a very similar-sounding melody.


Track 4 "Fantasy"
A cover of an Earth, Wind & Fire song from 1978, released as the album's fourth single in early 1991 and its second biggest hit in Australia, reaching number 3. Katrin wore blue contact lenses in the video. It's not a bad song, but as Smash Hits made clear, Katrin wasn't doing Black Box's vocals; Martha Wash was.

Differences from other versions: This version starts with a short piano intro, instead of that naff spoken word thing you hear in the music video.


Track 5 "Dreamland"
Two minutes of ambient keyboards serve as the title track. It ends rather abruptly to crash into that intro. "Gotta get up, gotta get up, gotta get up..."


Track 6 "Ride On Time"
Arguably Italo-house music's finest moment. Well, I think it is, anyway. An absolute barnstorming single, kept from number 1 in Australia by the bloody stupid B-52s, but it topped the charts in the UK, Ireland and Iceland and went top 10 in 13 other countries – but only peaked at number 19 in its native Italy! Fresh, exciting, different, and just a bit dark, it's still a brilliant tune that has lost none of its appeal in the last nearly-30 years. The album credits a bass player and rhythm guitar player on it; I never would've guessed. It should have opened the album – what an opening salvo that would have been!

Differences from other versions: There are notably two distinct versions of this song: the original recording with sampled vocals from Loleatta Holloway and her 1980 song "Love Sensation", and then, due to legal issues involving royalties, a second version with vocals re-recorded by Heather Small, who you may know as the singer of M-People. Because this album was released before those legal proceedings, it contains the Loleatta Holloway version.


Track 7 "Hold On"
Believe it or not this was the seventh and final single from the album, released in 1992, but it never reached the Australian top 100 so I'm not sure if it was released here. I was surprised when I heard the intro – with it's percussion-only beginning, then the bass line kicking in – it obviously influenced the aforementioned Streets Of Rage track "Keep The Groovin'". I knew that game's soundtrack was heavily influenced by hits from Technotronic and Enigma, but I never heard the Black Box influence until now.


Track 8 "Ghost Box"
An instrumental track that sounds like it could be the soundtrack for a scene in an '80s crime thriller film where a hard-bitten detective makes his way to a seedy neon-lit bar at night in the rain. It also has a sax solo, like "Open Your Eyes". I'm not sure why it's not the final track; it should be.


Track 9 "Strike It Up"
The fifth single, released in early 1991. An appealing piece of Eurodance with a rap that I quite liked; not as hard-hitting as its predecessors, but an enjoyable listen.

Differences from other versions: There are two versions that have variations in the music, but the big difference is in the rap. I was surprised to hear the rap on the album version is different! Not only is the rapper himself different, but the lyrics are as well, with only the first line of the rap staying the same. They must have updated the rap for the single version, because in my opinion that's the superior one.


...so that's Dreamland! Apart from the title track, you shouldn't be dreaming when listening to this. You should be going mental to house pianner keyboards and reminiscing about how effing ace 1990 was.

Retro Album Reviews: M.C. Hammer – "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" (1990)

Released: February 1990 on Capitol Records
Time since last listen: about 28 years

I spent the small hours once again listening to a rap album from 1990 that I haven't listened to since I was a kid – in fact apart from its two biggest singles "U Can't Touch This" and "Pray", I haven't listened to any of the other 11 songs on here at all since then. As with the Vanilla Ice album I never actually owned this one (until two days ago), but some kid in my sister's class at school lent it to her and I taped a copy, although I can't say I listened to it much.

Speaking of Vanilla Ice, M.C. Hammer is the rapper he was most frequently compared to, or associated with. Both of them had rap singles that blew up the charts in 1990 and both had subsequent mega- selling albums, and fast-selling too. I think they may have toured together as well, to show off their considerable dancing skillz.

But I guess that's where the similarities stop – stylistically the two rappers are quite different. Upon listening to this album, Hammer also relies on an abundance of samples. Vanilla Ice and other rappers certainly utilize this structure as well, and I'm not knocking it, because a well-placed and well-integrated sample can create a memorable song. I hadn't heard of M.C. Hammer (real name Stanley Burrell) when "U Can't Touch This" hit the Australian charts in 1990, but it turned out he'd released two albums before this and was now in his late twenties, though he hadn't made much of an impact in Australia until now.

Right, let's get into it. I'll start with the cover. Mr. Burrell certainly presents himself as a clean-cut young man, with a neat suit, gold-framed specs, three chunky gold rings and a rather nice gold watch, with a square dial. It seems this wholesome image made Hammer somewhat a figure of mockery, being 'dissed' in the wake of his success by the likes of Digital Underground (who came from the same city as him), Ice Cube, and LL Cool J, but gained support from Ice-T. I'm not sure what Vanilla Ice thought of him, but perhaps there was some rivalry there.

Now to the music. "Here Comes The Hammer" starts the album, and it's not a great opener. Perhaps its title earned it the coveted track 1 position in the running order, but there's nothing particularly noteworthy about it. It was released as a single and made the lower reaches of the Australian Top 50, but the repetitive "oh-oh"s tended to grate a bit, as does the "make it smoooooooth" parts.

Next up of course is the massive "U Can't Touch This". Smash Hits informed me it relied on sampling a song called "Superfreak", which I had never heard. As with "Ice Ice Baby", no credit for this sample was originally given (it wasn't really the done thing back then) and only once Rick James was granted co-writing credit was the lawsuit for infringement of copyright dropped. The video introduced many people to such staples as the 'running man' dance, girls in bike shorts, 'breakin' it down', and the concept of 'Hammer time', but my takeaway was the piece of advice "Either work hard or ya might as well quit", probably the song's best line. I did enjoy the song being parodied by Weird Al Yankovic two years later as well.

"Have You Seen Her" was also released as a single and is pretty naff, but has some nice harmonies. It's a slow rap ballad though, and you probably can guess how I feel about those. It's also a cover version, with Hammer dropping new lyrics on it. "Yo!! Sweetness" is notable for its very '90s double-exclamation mark in the title, but on listening to it now I noticed it contains a reference to Hammer having a mobile phone. In 1990! That's impressive, dude.

"Help The Children" samples a Marvin Gaye track and is about a social issue, but the chorus is too long for my liking, and it's repeated too often. "On Your Face" doesn't have as good a backing track as "Yo!! Sweetness" (there really need to be more songs with "Yo" in the title...I kinda miss that. I know, I need to move on).

"Dancin' Machine" reminds me of Vanilla Ice's "Dancin'" because it samples the same Jackson 5 song. It's actually a cover. "Pray" is next, coming in at track 8, the second-best song. It might even be the best, but the overweening piety of that spoken-word bit at the end kind of irks me a bit. Sound-wise though it's strong, with a well-incorporated Prince sample and I just love that bit in the video where Hammer's stooging down the street in some grimy downtown area flanked by various 'hood types – he even intervenes in a dispute between two thugs at one point. Also, I thought the chant was "That's why we pray" but it turns out they're saying "That's word we pray". The rhythm of that chant bears similarities to the title being repeated in Faith No More's "We Care A Lot", a song I first heard in early 1991, but never made that connection at the time.

More social issues arrive in "Crime Story". Unlike the Vanilla Ice album, I don't think there are many lyrics about sexual prowess on this album, probably only in the following track "She's Soft And Wet". I think Hammer was just trying to get across various issues that black people in America have to deal with. Speaking of which, "Black Is Black" follows it, and do you know the title of the James Brown track sampled here? That's right, it's "Say It Loud – I'm Black And I'm Proud".

"Let's Go Deeper" and "Work This" close the album and aren't particularly worthy of mention apart from the "Work this, work this" chants which remind me of the whispered "Work it, work it" refrain of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Is Workin' It". There's a similarity of cadence there. That scream near the end of "Work This" is pretty ace though.

All in all it's a good album, and the production is decent, but I still kinda prefer To The Extreme to it (you can throw your rotten tomatoes at me later). And I have no idea why Hammer called this album Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em. This phrase doesn't appear in any of the lyrics and I'm not sure what it even means. Maybe the man himself with the baggy pants is the only one who does, so if you're reading this Stanley Burrell (fat chance), let me know in the comments.

Get me outta here! That's word, we pray.

Retro Album Reviews: Vanilla Ice – "To The Extreme" (1990)

Released: September 1990 on SBK Records
Time since last listen: 28 years

I picked up four CDs at an op shop yesterday, and three of them were from 1990 (in pristine condition I might add – that's a genuine CD collector right there). This month of February 2019 alone I have picked up five second-hand CDs that were from 1990. It got me thinking, I haven't listened to these albums in years, decades in fact, and so I decided to write these mini-reviews to see how my opinions about them have changed since then.

Vanilla Ice's first album is up first. I spent the first 57 minutes of today listening to it for the first time in about 28 years. In early 1991 my friend Jonathan bought the album on CD and allowed me to tape a copy, and we both listened to the album a lot. Jonathan would go on to become a rap fan, listening to harder-edged stuff and gangsta rap in the years to come, but back in 1991 I preferred pop-rap stuff such as was charting at the time. As such I thoroughly enjoyed this album at the age of 12, and now at the age of 40, I can still recall a lot of it. Let's take a look at each track.

Track 1 "Ice Ice Baby"
I first heard this song in late November 1990 when it had just entered the Australian charts and this girl in my class called Monika brought the cassingle of it to school. Supposedly written in 1983, it first saw the light of day in 1989 as the B-side to Vanilla Ice's first single, "Play That Funky Music". It eventually hit number 1, only the third rap song to do so in Australia, and it did the same in the U.S. The other two, "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer and "Bust A Move" by Young M.C, only managed to reach numbers 8 and 7 respectively on the Billboard Hot 100. Anyway, I memorized every lyric of this song at the time and I haven't forgotten a word of it. I knew from reading Smash Hits that the chorus' bass riff was taken from the 1982 song "Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie, which I hadn't heard yet, but Vanilla Ice and his label got into some trouble due to no credit for the sample being given. It was a genius sample, giving the song its memorable hook, but it's too bad they didn't give the low-budget analogue mix a bit more polish for the album – you can hear buzz and hum, noise reduction on the top end, and the fade at the end is shoddy. Those are my only criticisms though.

Track 2 "Yo Vanilla"
This is five seconds of Ice with his voice pitch-shifted up saying "Yo Vanilla, kick it one time, boyyeeeee!" Brilliant. Smash Hits' track-by-track review gave this five stars, with the comment, "One star for each second of it!"

Track 3 "Stop That Train"
This song uses a sample from "Draw Your Brakes", a reggae track by Scotty, as its hook, and the results sound pretty good to me. You could go on about the lyrics but personally I don't care, I still like the sound of it.

Track 4 "Hooked"
To The Extreme was first released in 1989 under the title Hooked, so this is the former title track. I quite liked this song in 1991, I still do, probably because the vocals are a little bit understated here, and there's a few short samples used to good effect. I didn't have a clue what "You're hooked on that S-S-S-Y" meant all those years ago, and still have no clue now.

Track 5 "Ice Is Workin' It"
Here we see the artist born Robert Van Winkle explore new-school rap with more understated instrumentation, whispered vocals a la "Ice Ice Baby". I probably like it more now than I did 28 years ago.

Track 6 "Life Is A Fantasy"
The sultry backing track sounds like it belongs on the soundtrack of an '80s teen movie; Weird Science perhaps. Yikes! I remember when Smash Hits interviewed Vanilla Ice and asked him what his last dream was about, he responded with the first few lines of this song, to which the interviewer asked "Did you just make that up?"

Track 7 "Play That Funky Music"
This was the second single, and the version on the album has had its first and second verses changed from the original 1989 version (which had "Ice Ice Baby" on the B-side). I dunno, I kind of prefer the original version, so I don't know why he changed it. He gets a fair bit of stick for the "Steppin' so hard like a German Nazi" lyric in this new version, so maybe he should have left it as-is. Anyway, the chorus of this song is also a sample, although I didn't know this back in 1991. Probably the second-best song here.

Track 8 "Dancin'"
Eh, this song's okay. I wasn't too enthralled by it, but it's not bad or anything. However I do find that "Come on, girl!" sample irritating, then and now.

Track 9 "Go Ill"
On the vinyl release of Hooked this track is listed as "Go 111"! Someone clearly wasn't "with it" at Ichiban Records. This track is one of the better ones, a few cool samples in there, notably a James Brown one, so it scores points for that.

Track 10 "It's A Party"
The female singer blows on this one, but Ice's rapping is pretty rapid in some bits, so I like it. I think this is the only track with a "swear word" in it.

Track 11 "Juice To Get Loose Boy"
A similar high-pitched voice intro. Smash Hits only gave it two stars, saying "This nine-second ditty doesn't quite capture the same essence as "Yo Vanilla".

Track 12 "Ice Cold"
More James Brown sampling and a somewhat Asian feel on the keyboard chords, but this song isn't as good a deep cut as "Go Ill". 

Track 13 "Rosta Man"
Some might say it was a misguided move to emulate Caribbean music (isn't it 'rasta' instead of 'rosta'? I have no clue), but Vanilla Ice at least doesn't put on the phoney 'patois' seen in many a lame early '90s 'ragga' track. Not sure what's being sampled in the chorus but it's pretty nice.

Track 14 "I Love You"
It's a soppy ballad which even has a saxophone, but apparently Ice hates it and didn't want to record a slow song, but the president of his record company Charles Koppelman insisted there be a slow song on the album and gave him a ton of money to do so (a "couple million bucks" according to Ice). As the album's denouement it's a bit twee (it wasn't on Hooked at all), and its synth bass sometimes distorts on the low notes due to the limitations of the recording equipment. I guess even a couple million bucks doesn't get you the best sound quality.


Track 15 "Havin' A Roni"
A very strange conclusion to the album – just over a minute of beatboxing (I didn't know it was called beatboxing, but I'd heard it on another album from 1990 which used beatboxing to finish the album – World Power by Snap!, on a track called "Only Human"). It's nonsensical and weird, and I have no idea what a "roni" is, but it's an interesting listen nonetheless.


So there you have it. I still think this album is an enjoyable listen, even though I can hear a bit more of the audio limitations in it, but there are some interesting drum sounds, samples and of course that killer "Under Pressure" hook in there. Ice comes off as a bit boastful, but I guess that was the point of most rap, wasn't it? You gotta show off to some degree.

Yo man, let's get outta here. Werd 2 ya mutha.

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits Of The '80s"

Compilation: Smash Hits Of The '80s
Released: 1989 – CBS
Number of tracks: 32
Number one singles: 12 — "Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles, "I Got You" by Split Enz, "Antmusic" by Adam & The Ants, "99 Luftballons" by Nena, "Down Under" by Men At Work, "Venus" by Bananarama, "Respectable" by Mel & Kim, "I Should Be So Lucky" by Kylie Minogue, "Out Of Mind Out Of Sight" by Models, "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" by Samantha Fox, "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going" by Billy Ocean, "The Flame" by Cheap Trick
Other top ten singles: 16
Best track: "Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles
Hidden gem: "Darling It Hurts" by Paul Kelly & The Coloured Girls

Synths! Drum machines! Sax solos! Krill! Yes, it's time for an extra heaping helping of EIGHTIES MUSIC. Good times. As you can see from the T H I C C jewelcase above, this is a double CD released by the good folks at Smash Hits mag-o-zine. I'll tell you up front there is no Dire Straits, Proclaimers or Pet Shop Boys on this release. So, what is there then?

Well, the compilers have thrown in a massive 28 tracks that made the top 10, so all of these should be recognizable if you're old enough to remember. You should know all the above listed number one singles like the back of your fingerless gloves. You'll have owned the vinyl singles for at least a few of them and danced around your bedroom like an ape, singing into your hairbrush. Don't tell me you've forgotten Adam Ant's distinctive looks, topless model-turned-'singer' Samantha Fox, Nena's massive German-language hit and the ubiquitous Stock Aitken Waterman fare?

You have? Well, you'll find very little to interest you here, so you'd better naff orf.

Right, now that they've gorne, it's time to talk about the other songs. Yazz, Wham!, Kylie, Jason and Bros were a staple (ha ha) of Smash Hits' pages. It was hard not to leaf through a copy in the late '80s and not see their fatuous features. But what about the early part of the decade? Split Enz is one name that comes to mind and "I Got You" still sounds good even now. There's Men At Work of course, a song that casts a very long shadow (whatever that might mean), and The Clash's "Rock The Casbah", all solid stuff that warrants multiple replays – but that's all you're gonna get from 1980-83. Wait, there's one more: "What I Like About You" by The Romantics which is still being used in commercials after nearly 40 years, even though it sounds like it was recorded in 1965.

What about the obscure stuff? Well, if you were going to choose 32 songs that epitomized the 1980s, it'd be a very difficult task for one, but I'd wager the likes of Kylie Mole, a character from The Comedy Company in 1988, wouldn't be among them. Don't get me wrong, she was funny – even the song itself is amusing and has a funny spoken ad-lib at the end. Someone on staff clearly had a bizarre sense of humour.

"Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles is my favourite song of the '80s (though it's tough to separate it from Dire Straits' "Walk Of Life" which I wish was on here). You just have to crank the volume up when it gets to disc 2, track 4. You just...have to!!

I miss you, 1980s.

Rating: 7/10