Making Comics Is Hard (So Why Bother?)

Yeah, making comics sucks sometimes.

So why bother? While everyone is out having a good time – boozing it up and smoking pot and sniffing coke – you're sat on your lardy proverbial, drawing dorky characters in a dimly-lit room with naff '80s hair metal playing on a busted ghetto blaster, while garlic prawns simmer in a bain maree out the back.

Of course, it's a waste of time. No one's gonna read this crap. Comics are for kids, man. Who even reads anymore? None of the 'sophisticated adults' I know would be caught dead reading this junk. Why don't you just go get your qualification to be a dentist, like Aunt Lisa wanted.

Comics? Nothin' to it, I tell ya. Money for old friggin' rope. But like I told ya before, anyone can churn out this stuff if they really want to. With the right presets and page templates, plus a good comic lettering typeface you nicked offa 1001 fonts dot com, you can churn out inconsequential fluff at a rate of a thousand pages a year. No one's going to read it though. Because nobody reads comics.

Ah, but they do. Well, one person actually.

That's right. Only one piddling little insignificant person out there wants to read your comics. That person is but a speck of dust upon a germ upon a pinhead. But to you that person is the be-all and end-all, to use an old biddy's term. That person is your audience. You must get back to your drawing table. Get your flabby arse-cheeks upon that seat. For them!

Because you see –

Even if only one person is reading your comic you still have to do it. Keep on drawing it. If anyone tells you not to bother and give up and get a job putting tools into bags, you can tell that person to 'naff orf'. Just finish that comic. ASAP.

And when you do, send me a copy. I could do with a good laugh.

Viva La Causeway!

Wandering around the City of Melbourne on this typically balmy autumn evening I noticed a double banger of the street-sign variety. Someone out there really wants you to know that this nondescript alleyway is, in fact, called 'The Causeway'.

I used to live in Perth, for my sins, and over there there's a road called The Causeway, too. It's a road that leads into the city, and has several lanes, or something. It's not a tiny city backstreet for hobos and bums to have a slash in.

But! Be that as it may. This insignificant laneway has been bestowed an unusual honour by the people who erect street signage in the 3000 postcode. Not only does it have its authentic olde-tyme white-on-black rustic sign but also the new, government-approved white-on-blue one, with its new-fangled 'lower case' lettering.

Someone's takin' th' piss, yeh? I can't see why anyone would see fit to have two signs. What, is the old one too illegible? Did they think no one would believe that was the correct name?

All I'm saying is, the people who make the decisions that we all have to live by, are plonkers.

Top Ten Flashback: April 4, 1992

Welcome back to 1992! This week 25 years ago, I was but a mere 13 year old regular watcher of the chart countdown on Rage. It wasn't a typical week for popular music when you recall the prevailing musical trends of the early '90s, so there were a few surprises in store – two debuts in the top ten being one, as that didn't happen very often back then. Let's check out the top ten in this recap of the Australian singles charts for the week ending Saturday, April 4, 1992.




10.  James Blundell & James Reyne – "Way Out West" º
Nothing extra special to mention about this song, except this was its first appearance in the top 20. It wasn't typical for country songs to chart at that time, let alone so high. I lived in Western Australia at the time, so I imagine the lyrics would have resonated with plenty of people in my then-home state, as would the photo of the hapless twit on the single cover.

 9.  Genesis – "I Can't Dance"
This is the only song by Genesis I like, although I must admit I've only heard about three of their songs. This was the last hit single they had. The vocals and lyrics leave a bit to be desired, but I still like it because I can't dance either. The piss-taking music video is quite fun too, and I really like that hard snare hit that kicks in towards the song's end.





 

8.  Diesel – "Tip Of My Tongue"
Diesel, real name Mark Lizotte, formerly known as Johnny Diesel, formerly formerly known as Johnny Diesel & The Injectors, was one of Australia's most popular male solo artists at the time. This was his biggest hit, reaching number 4.





 
7.  Def Leppard – "Let's Get Rocked" ºº
Kicking off the so-called 'grunge' scene in Australia were of course Nirvana, whose breakthrough hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit" had reached its peak position of number 5 only four weeks earlier. But now, debuting here at number 7 was this slab of stadium rock. It sort of became a cult favourite among my fellow Year 9 students at school, and I remember the 3D-animated dude in the video (pictured at top) being somewhat of a slacker totem. This was also the year of Wayne's World, so it tied in with that theme, if not musically.


 
6.  2 Unlimited – "Get Ready For This"
It would reach its peak of number 2 the following week, but this lyricless (although I prefer the mix with rap and vocals) techno anthem was on its way up the charts. Having been hooked on the song from first listen, I bought the single pretty much straight away and played it to a friend – something I didn't do very often. I reckon it's held up well after 25 years, as sports promos are still using it.




 
5.  The Cure – "High" ºº
Argh! Sorry, but I can't stand The Cure (or just 'Cure' as they were billed on singles and album covers from this era). So for me, everything about this was forgettable, except that in debuting at number 5, it gave the band their highest debut position in Australia and was actually the second-highest debut for 1992. The highest was–






4.  U2 – "One"
Yep, you guessed it, U2. Although it entered the chart the previous week at number 4 but progressed no further than its debut position, "One" was 1992's highest-debuting single. Still my favourite U2 song, Rage only showed the 'running buffalo' video for the song which is the one I like the most of the three that were produced. Simple but effective, its lack of action makes you concentrate on the lyrics a bit more.




 
3.  Vic Reeves & The Wonder Stuff – "Dizzy"
Yeah, it's an okay song. I personally found it a bit too long, but I guess that's what radio edits are for.








 
2.  Julian Lennon – "Saltwater"
This heartfelt ballad about environmental concerns, a common theme in the '90s, had just lost its number 1 position from last week, having been there for 4 weeks. I didn't mind the song, but I'm not real big on ballads. Next!






1.  The 12th Man – "Marvellous"
Australian comedian Billy Birmingham (12th Man) (Capt.) had turned his cricket-related comedy into a hit single. Normally I suppose he was more of an albums type of guy, as you had to listen to an album's-worth of material to really get into it. Now, I can't bloody stand cricket, I think it's the most boring game ever invented, but I liked this song 25 years ago and I reckon it's pretty ace now. Come to think of it, rapping in a broad Australian accent was pretty groundbreaking in 1992. There were leaders in Aussie hip-hop like Sound Unlimited Posse but I don't think the 12th Man was following their lead; I've read that "Do The Bartman" by The Simpsons was a possible influence here. Anyway, I might not have caught all the cricket gags, but it worked well as a song, as its chart-topping status proved.

Compilation Compilation Album Review: "The Best Of 100% Hits 93"

Compilation: The Best Of 100% Hits 93
Released: 1993 –Warner Music
Number of tracks: 19
Number one singles: 5 — "Informer" by Snow, "That's The Way Love Goes" by Janet Jackson, "Are You Gonna Go My Way" by Lenny Kravitz, "Cat's In The Cradle" by Ugly Kid Joe and "Can't Help Falling In Love" by UB40
Other top ten singles: 14
Best track: "The Hitman" by AB Logic
Hidden gem: None, because I've heard them all.

Why the tautology in the post title? Because this is a compilation of a compilation – the 100% Hits series releasing a best-of for the end of the year. As such, this is about as successful a compilation as you can get: all 19 tracks here reached the top 10, with five number 1s. But, will the selections be to your taste?

Well, looking at said five number 1s above, they haven't dated terribly badly. My favourite at the time was "Informer", but that style of music rapidly faded from popularity and while I still enjoy listening to it, I much prefer "The Hitman" as a dance track. It still kicks, and you can't deny it! Leonard Kravitz and Ugly Kid Joe still sound alright, and UB40's cover (it's funny how so many number 1 singles in the '90s were covers) has that reggae sound which was everywhere in 1993 but is still a good listen. As for Janet Jackson, I didn't much care for "That's The Way Love Goes", her only number 1 in Australia (and then only for one week). I much preferred "If" and other 'deep cuts', as pretentious tossers say, on the janet album.

Other highlights include East 17's "West End Girls" (another cover), Chaka Demus & Pliers' "Tease Me" (more reggae) and "Tequila" by ALT & The Lost Civilization – cringeworthy lyrics in parts, but I 'dug it', as they used to say in the '70s, at the time. Then there's the somewhat rapey "Sweat" by Inner Circle which got to number 2 (I can't remember what denied it the top spot – probably bloody Meat Loaf, and thankfully that rubbish isn't on here, having taken up nearly 6 minutes on the previous release, 100% Hits Volume 10).

The only truly weak moment is the godawful, shambolic, irritating pathetic excuse for a song that is "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes. There are already numerous rants on the internet about how bad this song really is, so you can search for those if you want to hear someone more articulate than I excoriate this hideous song. How it nearly topped the charts here I'll never know. But skip that track and you'll be set for some decent pop n' rock from 1993!

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "Yo!...Let's Go!"

Compilation: Yo!...Let's Go!
Released: 1991 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 3 — "That Ain't Bad" by Ratcat, "Joyride" by Roxette, "I Touch Myself" by Divinyls
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "That Ain't Bad" by Ratcat
Hidden gem: "Movies" by Hothouse Flowers

This is one of my favourite compilations! Aside from a couple of tracks which were decidedly non-hits and pretty much forgettable, this is largely late 1990/early 1991 in a nutshell. It opens rather unconventionally with a single by a German group sung in Latin and French. Never 'eard of it, you may say. Well, you have and it's called "Sadeness (Part 1)" by Enigma. Or is it called "Sadness Part 1"? I actually prefer "Sadeness", the original and correct title, as it's a pun on the Marquis de Sade who the French lyrics refer to. This understated (and excellent) tune wouldn't be my choice for the opening cut but it's essential nonetheless, and unlike the lyrics that were published in Smash Hits and Hit Songwords at the time, the Latin lyrics of the antiphon sung by the Gregorian choir are included in the lyrics of this CD. Phew!

Following Enigma are M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice, the two biggest rappers of their day. The overweening piousness of "Pray" sounds decidedly un-hip alongside "Play That Funky Music", but them's the breaks. By the way, there were two distinctly different versions of "Play That Funky Music"; the version that appears here is not the album version, but the 1989 single version which had "Ice Ice Baby" as its B-side (before the latter became a hit). Two of its three verses were completely re-written for the album. The lyrics for the wrong version appear in the CD booklet. There, don't you find that fascinating?

Cathy Dennis' debut solo single "Just Another Dream" isn't anything special (it certainly doesn't match her single with D-Mob "C'mon And Get My Love"), so let's move on to "Operaa House" by World Famous Supreme Team Show, an ace tune that still warrants repeat listens. Eight tracks in and Ratcat comes along – they should have been the opening track – for the album's clear high point and the highest-selling (and best) Australian single of 1991. All these years later this song just shreds. Bloody brilliant.

"Joyride" is likewise still pretty great! And The Screaming Jets, though I wasn't a massive fan of theirs, still turned out some rockin' tunes in the early '90s, of which "Better" was their debut single. Then comes Divinyls with the other Australian no.1 on here. If I recall, Rage only aired the video for its first two weeks on the chart until it was thereafter banned from airing. Didn't stop it from zooming to number 1, did it?

"More Than Words Can Say" by Alias sounds like a mid-'80s castoff and sounds about half a decade out of date, but it's a big power ballad. I'm not big on rock ballads – "What It Takes" by Aerosmith is one of the few I can think of that doesn't bore me silly – so I'll take a pass on this one. Sorry, Alias. You suck. (I've looked them up and found they are a 'supergroup', but I don't recognize any of the washouts' names. Also, they're from Canada, so my interest wanes pretty much immediately. Sorry, Canada. You suck also.)

Second-best track here after Ratcat would have to be E.M.F.'s "Unbelievable" which maintains a similarly high energy level and one of the best songs of 1991, which still sounds great even though it tends to get overused by lame sports promos and crap commercials. It's always depressing when an ace tune from your 'youth' is used to flog crappy products on the box, ain't it?

"Crazy" by Seal – another debut solo single, and while still good, doesn't match the heights of his appearance on Adamski's "Killer" – comes towards the end with its downbeat feel. "Sadeness" should have slipped in here to maintain the mood, but it's Jenny Morris doing a Janis Joplin cover – I can take it or leave it – and Chris Isaak who finish off proceedings. Meh. It doesn't really matter – there's enough ace stuff here to keep me entertained, and a few obscurities that don't sound too bad either, all these years later. If you want to own only one compilation from 1991, make it this one.

Rating: 9/10