Compilation Album Review: "U Can't Touch This"

Compilation: U Can't Touch This
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 5 — "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer, "Blaze Of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi, "Epic" by Faith No More, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C. , "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "Colour Of Money" by Ray Lyell And The Storm – well, it was the only song here I hadn't heard yet.

This is the first addition to my retro comp collection to be acquired via eBay. I believe it's the only compilation to use the title of one of the songs on it – and that song is the first track, as you'd expect. It's one of a massive five number 1s on offer here! Naturally, and given I'm a huge fan of Faith No More, "Epic" is the best. No idea why they put it as track 11 – heads should roll over that one. I'm deducting a point for it! Instead, the mediocre dirge "Joey" by Concrete Blonde – a completely atrocious song – was picked for the coveted track 2 position. Bah!

Not to worry – you can skip it and head for one of the other highlights, M.C. Hammer or Young M.C. perhaps, or the cheesy yet fun "Turtle Power" by Partners In Kryme. If you ever want to hear a movie's plotline recounted in a rap, this is the track for you.

Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" really grated on me after a while. Also, it knocked Aerosmith's "Janie's Got A Gun" off number 1 after only a week, so that's another point against it. Her follow-up "The Emperor's New Clothes", while not as big a hit (but who could match that), was much better, and that's the one that's on here. You want sappy ballads, go for Roxette.

But the special Cheeseariffic Cheeseballeroid Award MUST go to Tina Arena whose "The Machine's Breaking Down" features some of the most idiotic lyrics ever written. It didn't make the top 20, and deservedly so. It also ensured she wouldn't make it to the top 5 for another four years. But hey, we're all human, yeah?

Rating: 7/10