Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '90"

Compilation: Smash Hits '90
Released: 1990 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Epic" by Faith No More
Other top ten singles: 10
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne

Ah, it's another Smash Hits compilation for my compilation shelf. Good-o. Not only was 1990 the year I started following the charts – as I've said 16 thousand times on this blog – but it was also the year I started reading Smash Hits. It only cost $1.98 at the time (which left me a grand total of two cents left over from my weekly pocket money), and although they put the price up to $2.25 soon after, it was still a bargain. Top 50 chart listings! Song lyrics! Posters! Amusing readers' letters! Pre-internet pop trivia like Craig McLachlan's dog's name (it was 'Bottom', the dirty sod!) Witty and sometimes absurd commentary on pop stars' shenanigans! This mag had it all. 

The songs on this album all bring back vivid memories of Year 7, my last year of primary school. And I was one of the few kids in my class who read it. So naturally I could recite up-to-the-minute chart info that made me seem like a guru to the other kids. Such as: "Black Betty" was an old song from the '70s, and M.C. Hammer was once in a Honda motorbike commercial, and stuff like that.

I paid $11.50 for this, which believe it or not, makes it the second-most expensive compilation CD out of the 63 I've collected so far! (Summer '89 tops that list at a wallet-busting $20.50.) But, you see, being the devotee of Smash Hits' compilations that I am, I had to have it. 

I should point out that a compilation of the same name was also released in the UK, so if you're searching for it online, don't get the two mixed up. Considering the rubbish that was in the UK charts in 1990, this is critical.

Unfortunately the CD booklet doesn't have the chart stats and facts that Smash Hits '89 had or the lyrics that Smash Hits '91 has. It just has photos of all the 17 artists featured. It's a bit disappointing there was no commentary from the mag itself, and as I recall it was advertised in every issue on release. My copy is stamped "Promotion Only – Not For Sale" though, so maybe they changed that.

The compilers have chosen to start with three rock tracks in "Lay Down Your Guns" by Jiminy Barnes, "Dogs Are Talking" by The Angels and Faith No More's epic, "Epic". This choice is rather unusual when you consider that Smash Hits '89 started with Indecent Obsession, Sinitta and Bros, and Smash Hits '91 with C+C Music Factory, Yothu Yindi and De La Soul. But hey, I'm not complaining. Rock on.

Barnesy is the one to kick-start this compilation with the usual throat-shredding you'd expect from him, then it kicks into a higher gear with "Dogs Are Talking", one of the first hard rock songs I heard (and which fell one place short of the top 10). I still like it, although I have no idea what "Dogs are talking" might mean. I thought it could be about gossiping! But the verses and the slightly naff spoken-word bit at the beginning makes it clear that the song is about some dude wanting to get his rocks off with a girl – that most unconventional subject matter for popular music.

"Epic" is still one of the best songs ever recorded. And it's also the only number 1 single on here. If they were going to pick one number 1 single to be on here, they could have picked "Vogue", or "Opposites Attract", or even "Nothing Compares 2 U", 1990's year-end chart-topper, but they went with "Epic". Top marks.

"Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams isn't a song I've really listened to in the intervening 31 years but it doesn't sound too bad. Ditto Belinda Carlisle and "Summer Rain", and The Chimes' cover of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". They're not bad, they just didn't really grab me in 1990. I heard them many a time from watching Rage, though. I didn't like "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne, I preferred the follow-up single "I'll Be Your Shelter" – and Smash Hits slammed it in their single reviews! It actually outcharted "Love Will Lead You Back" by 7 places, reaching number 4.

I don't mind "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli, with its lyrical theme of how you'd rather blame anyone else but yourself for your own mistakes. As for the not performing on the record thing, that isn't something I really think about, as sad as a story as it was, with the untimely death of one of the members. It does sound a bit tinny for a 1990 dance single, but that's part of its charm.

Boy, New Kids On The Block were bloody awful, weren't they? Every song of theirs had the same clunky drum machine and "Huh!" vocals with tons of echo applied. Absolute ham-fisted junk. But given their readership, they had to put a single by these idiots on. Following this is Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2's "Mona". One of the readers accused the magazine of being on his payroll because there was a poster of Craig in every issue. There was, though. Apart from maybe NKOTB, there were probably more posters of him than any other pop star in the mag in 1990.

The sadly departed Guru Josh and his ace rave-trance anthem "Infinity" is sandwiched between the two Minogue sisters. And what an absolute banger it still is. I never got to hear it in its proper nightclub context, but it's one of the highlights of 1990 music for me. The piano break, the sax, the synth chords – what a song.

As for Dannii and Kylie Minogue – absolute pap! "Love And Kisses" was one of the worst songs I'd ever heard. It still is. Dannii can't hold a tune at all, and as for her attempts to sound "black and funky" – and that's her own description of the song as quoted in Smash Hits – well let's just say Janet Jackson has nothing to worry about (come to think of it, she should be on here instead). As for Kylie, "Better The Devil You Know" is marginally better  – listening to it through headphones as I type this, I can hear house piano chords in there – but it's standard Stock Aitken Waterman fare. 

So, how about some chart stats trivia? Which song got higher on the charts, "Love And Kisses" or "Better The Devil You Know"? Give up? Well as it happens, they both reached the same position, number 4. But I regret to say that Kylie only held that position for one week, while Dannii managed three weeks there, as well as a longer chart run. Rats.

Oh man, I can't even listen to Concrete Blonde's "Joey", it's so turgid and depressing, and just plain crap. Sorry, but it is. I didn't think it was possible for a performer to have absolutely zero charisma but there you go.

Three songs from the end now and it's the only song on here I haven't heard, "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne. Hey, I thought you know every song that charted in 1990, you big wazzock, you must be thinking. And I do! But this song didn't chart at all. I can't even remember Scott Carne being covered much in the pages of Smash Hits. I looked him up and he was the singer from '80s Melbourne band Kids In The Kitchen, so maybe teenagers older than me would know who he was. His song was about 'makin' lurve' and othersuch frivolous pursuits, which was of total disinterest to me at the age of 12. Next.

The slow ballad "Southern Sky" by Paul Norton is the penultimate track, and I read its lyrics printed in the mag before I heard the song itself. I'm not into ballads or anything patriotic either, but the opening lines kinda got my attention. They are "It was Australia Day 1985 / Nothin' much was going on then / Sittin' in the same old dives". I wasn't in Australia in 1985 but I'd say that rings true. Bored senseless by your own country's national day – I can relate to that!

"Escaping" by Margaret Urlich finishes the album. Again, not a song that really grabbed me in 1990. Perhaps listening to it through headphones as an adult might change my opinion. Let's see, I can hear what sounds like a cricket chirping. That's not a joke by the way, I can actually hear it in the mix, although it's probably synth-generated. It's an okay song I s'pose, with nice enough instrumentation. Musically it's much more layered and varied than the rubbish Dannii Minogue or NKOTB serve up. I guess it was too mid-tempo for most people, although it was her highest-charting single.

And now I'm 'escaping' this blog post – see ya!

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 13"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 13
Released: 1994 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Hidden gem: "4-Letter Word" by Chocolate Starfish

It's happened, friends. My quest to collect the first 18 volumes of the 100% Hits series has concluded. It's Volume Lucky 13. Or is it? There aren't really many songs that troubled the upper reaches of the charts on here. Still, low chart positions don't mean low quality. So let's take this one for a spin.

It starts with one of the worst novelty songs ever, "Absolutely Fabulous". It's credited to Absolutely Fabulous, that naff UK sitcom from the '90s, but it's ostensibly the Pet Shop Boys. Who cares. It sucks. I even listened to the whole thing to remind me of its irrevocable suckitude. Next.

"Son Of A Gun" by JX was a dance track I thought was really stupid when I first heard it – I couldn't believe a banger like "You Belong To Me" the following year was by the same 'group'! However it has grown on me. It's got this weird melancholy bit in the middle which jars with the upbeat hook of the song, which I can see taking out, to be honest.

Oh boy, 1994 was a big year for 'gangsta rap'. Which I'm not really into, but no matter. We've got Kulcha here with their usual schtick about some girl who "got it goin' awn". Whatever. Then Salt N' Pepa, who also get on my nerves, but "Heaven N' Hell" does have a couple of funny lines. Too bad whoever rapped the third voice will shred your eardrums. I'm not too interested in songs about life in the ghetto and how the "youth" will be "enlightened". I don't really care. What's next?

Oh, it's "Take Me Away", by D:Ream. It never charted, so I'd never heard this before. It's got a male and female vocalist, so that's a point in its favour. I like that in my '90s dance singles. It does sound a bit too much like M People for my liking, as in, the type of music you hear in clothing shops and whatnot. But it's got that house music wail in there, which was in a lot of '90s house tracks.

Apparently Joshua Kadison's soppy ballad "Jessie" is written about his break-up with 'actress' Sarah Jessica Parker. Oh lawd. Marcia Hines is next, with "Rain". This is years before she was a judge on some crappy music talent show so I had no idea who she was. The song's alright. Then we've got some enduring geriatrics in The Rolling Stones. "Love Is Strong" sounds like a blues bar ballad. Another song that didn't crack the top 40, so I never heard it. Thankfully The Sharp can rock it up after this with "Alone Like Me", although it's not my fave song by them (but it was the highest-charting).

Chocolate Starfish. Ergh. What a horrible band name. "4-Letter Word" is pretty rockin' though, even though it's yet another song about a girl who got it goin' awn. And for those of you who are wondering if they say the 4-letter word in question, they don't.

Collective Soul's "Shine" is okay but I wish they'd taken quicker to get to the increased tempo part. Many a bong must have been smoked to this, probably in the very studio where it was recorded. "American Life (In The Summertime)" by Francis Dunnery. It got to number 18, but I don't recall hearing it all that much. The guitar solo is pretty great, though. I'd forgotten about "I Believe" by Marcella Detroit, even though it reached number 10. Pretty good chorus, you'd think I would have remembered this.

"Black Hole Sun" is still Soundgarden's finest moment and I still can't forget their weird distorted suburbia video for the song. Brilliant! I've also seen the black doughnut-like sculpture in Seattle that inspired the song. I can't believe Rage aired the video with a scene showing a woman clearly enjoying a massive vibrator. The '90s were like that, kids. Slacker anthems abounded. Speaking of which, it's followed by another alternative rock classic in Green Day's "Longview", the first song of theirs to chart. I'm surprised they didn't censor the swearing here!

"Tunnel" by The Screaming Jets is another song I'd never heard. It's got a brass section on it, which is pretty cool. Then it's some bloke called Jon Secada. It's alright. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders is the final song. I remember it was being used (in full) in a three-minute ad for an animal protection society, I forget which – and that's all I can think of now when I hear this tear-jerker. Be nice to animals, folks.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990"

 
Compilation: Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 7 – "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul, "U Can't Touch This By M.C. Hammer, "Epic" by Faith No More, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart, "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C., "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 11
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: None because I know all these songs like the back o' m'hand, young whippersnapper.

I remember when this compilation came out. I saw it being advertised on TV. But I didn't get it, probably because I already had Let's Do It 2. I should have though. This is as close to the best collection of the hits of 1990 as you'll ever get. It is very difficult to separate it from LDI2 however, as that wasn't a year-end retrospective, but it doesn't get much better than this.

The back cover very handily gives the chart stats for each track – each song's highest chart position and the date it got there, and how many weeks it spent in the charts (as at October 29, 1990). So if you read my little stats at the top there, you'll have worked out that every song on here either reached number 1 or made the top 10. The lowest chart position reached by any of these singles was number 5. Get the picture, sunshine?

These 18 songs are burned into my brain. I've mentioned this before, and if you've read a few of these reviews you're probably sick of reading about it, but 1990 was the year I started following the charts weekly and as such, I recall everything about them when I saw them on Rage. Now that doesn't mean I like all these songs. I like most of them, sure, but not all. "Joey" by Concrete Blonde for example is a painful dirge that should not have charted anywhere near the coveted number 2 position it reached, the track by Heart is ham-fisted dreck, and Absent Friends' "I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You" (how many times have I told these people NOT to use double negatives in song titles) is a ballad and you know how I feel about those.

But buying compilations – and I've got a few – means that you also have to hear songs you don't like. And that's okay, because they were still part of the musical landscape for that era and they bring back memories just as your favourite songs do. You might not want to listen to them more than once but don't tell me you can't remember the lyrics.

The actual CD is imprinted with the name Nothing Compares To The Best Of 1990, which makes me wonder if that was the original title. Or it could just be a misprint by a lackadaisical pressing plant employee. It could be one or the other. Maybe both. It's also too bad that the artist who did the detective comic-style cover is uncredited – in fact there are no liner notes whatsoever.

I'm not going to give my usual remarks on selected songs because you should know these songs by now. What, do I look like Wikipedia to you?? But seriously, if you haven't heard of any of the seven chart-toppers listed above then you are either born after 2000 or dead from the ankles up. Maybe both.

Never has a compilation album title been truer. And "Epic" is still one of the best things ever recorded.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Rating: 9/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hitz Blitz"

Compilation: Hitz Blitz
Released: 1990 – Possum
Number of tracks: 16
Number one singles: 1 – "Swing the Mood" by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers
Other top ten singles: 1
Best track: "Get Up (Before The Night Is Over)" by Technotronic
Hidden gem: "Back To My Roots" by FPI Project featuring Sharon Dee Clarke

First up, I think this is the 60th compilation CD in my collection! Considering I only expected to collect about 20 of these, it's quite surprising. Of course, a couple of those 60 are not your typical chart compilation but a genre compilation, and this is one of them. It's a collection of dance and house music tracks, all but two of them from 1989. As such, only a handful of these songs actually charted. The abovementioned Jive Bunny track is the only number 1 song on here.

Let's look at some of those phrases on the cover. "No slow songs", says one. Well, that suits me fine, CD cover art. No room for slow jamz™ on a dance comp. If you want to slow dance, go act out your 1980s teen rom-com fantasies elsewhere. Another such phrase that caught my eye was "No breaks between the hitz". At first I thought they did crossfades between each track — a technique used to great effect on XTC's 1982 album English Settlement, which I highly recommend you listen to — but no, it just means there is no two-second gap between tracks. 

Right, let's begin. The album kicks off with "Italo House Mix", a medley by Rococo which actually charted in Australia at an impressive number 13, making it the third highest-charting song on here. It's not bad (although a few songs in the medley aren't strictly 'Italo'). When they get to the portion of "Pump Up The Jam" by Technotronic, the unnamed members of Rococo sing "Shake your booty on the floor tonight" when the actual lyric is "Get your booty on the floor tonight". That has always bothered me for some reason. Not that I can talk. I frequently record other people's songs and stuff the lyrics up.

Next it's "Baby Don't Forget My Number" by Milli Vanilli, also a hit here. It had a 38-week run on the charts, which was very impressive in 1990, but despite that it never got any higher than number 17. Just another random chart fact for you. It's also one of those songs where I hear the Weird Al parody lyrics when I listen to it, instead of the real lyrics. 

Next is "Warning" by Adeva which sounds like the vocals were rehearsed maybe once or twice before they were recorded, then it's two songs I'd never heard by two singers I'd never heard of. Dina Carroll and Johnnie O, anyone? They're alright. Then it's "Get Up". Before the night is over. And you should. Ya Kid K is the one. I actually like this song a whole lot more than I did in 1990, and I loved this song in 1990. It was the first song I ever put on my CD player and turned the volume up full bore.

"Blame It On The Boogie" is a song I have to listen to somewhat regularly at work, and it's not a song I'm particularly fond of, either in the original Michael Jackson version, or this one by three grinning wallies in yellow jackets, Big Fun. They aren't. Next. "With Every Beat Of My Heart" by Taylor Dayne. Hey, didn't she do big rock power ballads and whatnot? I guess not.

Next is "Numero Uno" by Starlight, another solid slice of Italo house, which reached number 23 on the Australian charts. It's better than the Rococo single which outcharted it by 10 positions. After this is sadfish muzak maestro Lisa Stansfield with "This Is The Right Time", another one of those inoffensive pop tracks from the late '80s. I'd never heard of Jam Machine, but their track "Everyday" fits right in here. It seems to be another one of those Italo tracks where they cobbled together the entire vocal line from samples.

I'd never been particularly interested in Soul II Soul and their generic late '80s dance pop which used to have the same beat on every track, not to mention the singer's stupid-looking hairstyle. Still, they were a big influence on Yuzo Koshiro who did the Bare Knuckle/Streets Of Rage video games soundtracks. This song of theirs, "Jazzy's Groove", is him doing a spoken word bit over one of their typical backing tracks. It's all very Bri'ish, guv', kno' wha' I mean, you wazzock?

"Messages" by Go 101 — I'm pretty sure they were a Melbourne band. How many times have Melbourne bands come up on these compilations — zero? They're not bad; the sax sound makes this track stand out a bit. Then there's something called "Back To My Roots" by FPI Project featuring Sharon Dee Clarke. Heard of them? Me neither. But they do use that "Wooh!"/"Yeah!" sample over some house piano chords that sound identical to "Mary Had A Little Boy" by Snap! which came out a year later. I picked it for my hidden gem, as you may have noticed.

Girl Overboard? They're not a dance act, are they? Well, in any case, "I Can't Believe", a mid-tempo pop-rock tune, is on here. It definitely stands out as it's from a totally different genre. Not to say it's a bad song, but what gives? This song did chart, peaking at number 43, if you care to know. Which you don't. That's okay. We can't all be interested in Girl Overboard chart stats, can we?

The sole number 1 single is the last track on here: the aforementioned "Swing The Mood". If you don't like medleys of 1950s rock n' roll hits, you won't like this, or the two follow-up singles Jive Bunny put out, all of which went to number 1 in the UK. You can definitely dance to it, if you're so inclined. Probably not in the same way you'd dance to Technotronic, but there you go, old bean. Perhaps they put it as the last track as a nice 'comedown' to all the house music workouts that have been assaulting your ears for the previous 56 minutes. I wish there had been more vocals in it though. That goes double for you, Rococo.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Take 40 Australia #1"

Compilation: Take 40 Australia #1
Released: 1991 – Mushroom
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 7
Best track: "Last Train To Trancentral" by The K.L.F.
Hidden gem: I've heard all of these songs before. I listened to Take 40 Australia every week in 1991!

Well yes, I did. 1991, the year this CD came out, was the year I started listening to it. I did this for two reasons: to tape my favourite songs off the radio, and also because for some reason which I have never been able to ascertain, when they did the Top 40 countdown they always did it for the previous week and not the current week. I didn't mind the one week discrepancy because it meant that if I didn't get up early enough to catch the Top 20 on Rage, I could use Take 40 to fill in the blank spaces in my Top 20 chart book the following week. What a saddo I was!

Also: I was in Year 8. What else was I gonna do on a Saturday evening – homework?? Get real, man!

Anyway, it was essential listening and the host, Barry Bissell, was always entertaining. He'd hosted the Saturday evening show from its inception in 1984 until 2004. The show was eventually cancelled in 2016. But thirty years ago, I'd have my radio tuned to 6PM as it was then, blank cassette tape at the ready.

I've got a soft spot for the pop music of 1991. It was a good time to follow the charts, and probably the midpoint of a golden age, of sorts. The vast majority of the songs on my Top 100 of All Time list are from the years 1990-1992 alone. I had just started high school and was discovering new cool songs every single week. It was an exciting time!

I'm not sure why they waited seven years to put out a Take 40 compilation, but it's funny that it happened to come out in the year I started listening to the show. They called it Take 40 Australia #1 but there aren't any number 1 singles on it. Oh well. There was no Take 40 Australia #2, either, although there were four more Take 40 compilations released between 1995 and 2003.

There's a lot of Australian content on this album – it is a compilation for an Australian radio show after all – and it's Noiseworks that kick things off with their last big hit single "Hot Chilli Woman". I don't mind it, but it was the long-delayed follow-up single to "Freedom", which is my favourite Noiseworks song.

Then it's "Hey Stoopid", an anti-drug song by Alice Cooper. In 1991, I didn't know who this dude was, and only from reading Smash Hits did I discover that he'd been around since the '70s and did mock-theatrics on stage like getting guillotined and whatnot. Crazy, man. It would be another year before I saw him in Wayne's World and thought "It's the 'Hey Stoopid' guy!" We're not worthy!!

Who's next? Hmm, it's Transvision Vamp. "If Looks Could Kill" is hardly one of their typical rawk n' rawl numbers. From what I recall they basically disappeared after this single and the parent album wasn't up to scratch. Then comes Kylie Minogue and "Shocked", and no, she still can't sing. She is the second-best vocalist on this track. The featured rapper Jazzy P is best. Isn't it a bit weird how the final chorus fades out so abruptly? Get it together, Stock Aitken Waterman!

After Kate Ceberano, C+C Music Factory and Yothu Yindi, fine dance/pop singles all, we get to the mighty KLF. Those guys really knew how to put out brilliant and catchy pop music, be it dance bangers, stadium house anthems, synth/trance, or more rock-pop-electro stuff – and their featured rappers were always great, the one here being the late Ricardo Da Force. The synth/string break on this song is one of the best interludes ever. All the elements of a hit pop single are present here: it reached number 2 in their native UK, and number 5 in Australia.

Now it's time to rock it out Kiwi-style, bro! Push Push was a New Zealand rock band that had moderate success here with "Trippin'", and I really like that crazy high note the singer hits in the second verse, but the video stands out to me because the drummer is wearing a T-shirt with "Nirvana" written on it. I didn't know who Nirvana were in mid-1991, but I soon would. I remember asking this kid before school one day if he'd ever heard of Push Push and he just made this weird double hip-thrust motion and went "Uhh-uhh!" What a degenerate.

There's more rock for us with Roxus – didja like what I did there – and "Bad Boys" which was given more than its fair share of exposure via the Summer Bay Diner jukebox in several episodes of Home And Away. Then comes Jimmy Barnes with some mid-tempo rock and mandatory throat-shredding high notes. I don't think I've heard this song in 30 years. Eh, s'alright I s'pose. Deborah Conway's "It's Only the Beginning" is quite a nice tune, although I didn't really care for it 30 years ago. Ditto Daryl Braithwaite's "Higher Than Hope". He's got much better songs than "The Horses", which is sappy sentimental rubbish, in my opinion. "Rise" is his best song. This is NOT negotiable.

"99 Reasons" by Jo Beth Taylor is another song I hadn't heard since its release 30 years ago, and for (99) good reason(s): it's irredeemable donkey twaddle. I remember she copped a fair bit of flak in the Letters page of Smash Hits for slagging off Vanilla Ice and Roxette when she reviewed the singles. That was a bit rich when both of those artists had had number 1 singles when this junk only reached number 31, and that's more than it deserved.

Let's hit the Skip button and go next to "Unity" by Sound Unlimited Posse, a song I had only heard once until now. It's not as good as "Kickin' To The Undersound" – maybe a recognizable sample might have improved it. After that, down the back end, comes "What Comes Naturally" by Sheena Easton which, in reaching number 4, makes it the equal highest-charting track on this disc. I know, I'm as shocked as you. I thought this song was rather naff in 1991. I was only 13 and had no time for these 'sex kitten' antics.

The last two songs on here are rap singles that charted in the top 10, and they're both rather good: "Now That We Found Love" by Heavy D & The Boyz, and "Ring Ring Ring" by De La Soul which is the other song that reached number 4. Still a great track. I had the hook as my answering machine message in the late '90s.

Well, there may have been no number 1s on here but Take 40 #1 is still a solid compilation. Plenty of songs that deserve repeat listens, especially if you want to be transported back to 1991. In a metaphorical sense, that is. Otherwise you'll just have to wait for time travel to be invented.

Rating: 7/10

Making rubber stamps

This post is way late, as I started making these nearly a year ago, but here are a couple of rubber stamps I put together. I got some 95 x 79 mm pieces of rubber, each 1mm thick, from one of those art reject stores, where they recycle odds and ends for craft purposes. I got them in the distant past when Melbourne's shops were actually open. Anyway, these floppy pieces of rubber sat around in my house for a long time, until I suddenly thought "Hey, I need a cheese sandwich." And also "Hey, those bits of rubber would be great to make stamps with."

In January 2014 at the City Library in Melbourne – the same month as my comic artwork was part of an exhibition there – I joined in a stamping workshop where the girls running the session made their own stamps out of erasers. I've always liked rubber stamps, date stamps, postage stamps, and the actor Terence Stamp is pretty good as well.

Well, enough talk, let's carve up some rubber.

This photo and the one below were taken on December 22, 2020, which means this so-called spontaneous stamp-making exercise has taken nearly 10 months to see completion! Some things have to take a back seat in the production bus, you know? Anyway, I liked this design of a polar bear, a simple line drawing which used to feature on a badge I used to own. So I drew it on a scrap of paper and then used pencil lead to transfer it in reverse onto the rubber.

Next I used lino-carving tools to carve the image in relief onto the rubber. Don't be a fool and do the carving on top of your graphics tablet as seen above. This photo is for demonstration purposes only.

Once that's done, get out your scissors and bull glue and cut the designs out. Using the scissors, of course, not the glue. I'm fairly sure glue wouldn't be of much use in cutting tasks. For the second stamp I did a garbage bin. I used to draw them on my folders in high school for some reason. So, let's glue the rubber onto the blocks of wood and see how they stamp up, shall we?

Ver' nice. My polar bear does look a bit sheepish, but I'm pretty happy with the result. Be sure to check this blog in another 10 months to see if I've made any more!

My Grand Final prediction from 12 years ago

Take a look at this Photoshopped image. I made it way back in September 2009 for a friend's birthday card.

 
As you can see, he was/is a Richmond Tigers supporter. And as you can also see, it has today's date on it. I was predicting 12 years ago that Richmond would win a Grand Final in the year 2021, which was a pretty long shot as far as predictions go, because Richmond weren't all that good in 2009.

But! It wasn't all bad, because I managed to get the date of the match correct. And also because Richmond managed to play in, and win, three Grand Finals before 2021, even if they were nowhere to be seen this year.

Bonus points: Can you spot me in the image?

The Terrace, Mooroolbark: Frozen in time

Mooroolbark is a north-eastern suburb of Melbourne which apparently experienced its biggest growth in the 1980s and '90s. It's most known (to an interloper like me at least) for having this weird setup where three roundabouts are squished together. Just look at this abomination:

Seriously, how are you even meant to tackle this?

But that's not the purpose of this post. I came to Mooroolbark to see a shopping centre called The Terrace. Locals all know about it, but I hadn't heard of the place until just over a month ago, when I read on Reddit about it. It's a shopping centre that is not exactly disused or abandoned, but fell out of use years ago, yet continues to keep operating.

After I read the comments about it on Reddit I came across this video by Tim Norman of Stormofilms which was made in May 2019, and which gave me some additional information (and let me see what The Terrace was like in pre-COVID times).

The Terrace was built in 1981, right across the road from Mooroolbark Village (a small row of shops along Brice Avenue), and adjacent to Hookey Park. It opened in 1982, and housed 24 stores such as Treasurway, Replace-A-Film, Microbee (a shop that sold 8-bit computers), and Bojangles Music — very '80s name there — later known as CD Haven.

Here's what The Terrace looks like from the outside. It's got a large car park with 900 spaces, to service commuters using Mooroolbark station across the road, but it's pretty much empty. The surroundings at the front look tidy, with no litter or graffiti, and neatly-trimmed hedges.

That's not to say graffiti has never been a problem at The Terrace — the public toilets inside have been the worst hit over the years. One year they spent $26,000 on cleaning up the toilets alone. Now they keep them locked to keep out vandals and druggies.

You'll notice from that large archway sign that there is a Bendigo Bank on the premises, formerly a Westpac. That sign has covered up many smaller signs which can be seen in Tim Norman's video, which listed each business found inside. Coming up the ramp, you find yourself at the sliding doors of the main entrance.

Unlike most suburban shopping centres, The Terrace has not been refurbished or renovated at all since it was built (with the possible exception of the childcare centre, which seemed tacked-on to the side after the fact). As a result, the interior decor is just as it was back in 1982, with the patterned light-brown lino untouched, as well as the ceilings. The fluorescent-tube lights were on, despite no one being around, and a lot of light actually gets in thanks to the large skylight which you can see above. 

Apparently there are a number of poems written by students stuck to the window of the centre kiosk, which are "post-apocalyptically depressing", according to one Reddit user.

On the right in the above photo is Stay Tuned Electronics, which still has CRT television sets and record players on its shelves. Most of these shops are shuttered up and only 12 of them are open — in fact none of them are currently open because Melbourne is under lockdown.

The Terrace was a busy place once. Then-PM Bob Hawke showed up there in 1987 for some event, but apparently its busiest day was when childrens' TV character Humphrey B. Bear appeared live there. (Poor old Bob. Having to settle for being The Terrace's second-biggest guest star to a man in a sweaty costume made of recycled bathmats.) Anyway, in its heyday The Terrace hosted a number of events, footy players giving handballing lessons to kids, and even a food festival in recent years, even with some of the shops empty.

I am not sure when exactly The Terrace began to decline, but it was probably well on its way by 2017 when its supermarket closed. There was also once a garden centre there. The entrance to it was a large roller door, which you can see on the left in the photo below. Mikayla van Loon reported in the Lilydale Star Mail of July 20, 2021 that Chirnside Park shopping centre, which offered more variety, as well as heating and air-conditioning (which The Terrace apparently doesn't have?), is one of the reasons The Terrace fell behind. A larger shopping centre, Eastland, isn't too far away either.

It seems The Terrace's shop owners couldn't compete with the customers heading over to Chirnside Park, so they either relocated there or closed down.

The next photo is the loading bay for the supermarket, which as you can see was once called KFL. There was a bit of graffiti here, but no more than your typical Melbourne bus stop, really. One tag said "Oops!" which I found rather amusing (though infantile).

Next you see here Terry's Meats, the butcher on the corner. It closed in May 2019, not long after Tim Norman filmed his video. The only reason I'm mentioning it is because of the "2 Dollar" sign you see here — another relic of the past. This isn't the only piece of old signage still visible: if you look closely you can still make out where the "Treasurway" used to be on the front brickwork.

With Melbourne's property market being the way it is, why hasn't this unused retail space been taken over by developers? Why has this shopping centre stood largely untouched since the day it was made? I don't know anything about how strata title works, but from what I understand, Coles supermarkets owns a number of shops in the centre (the Lilydale Star Mail says it is "a couple"), and have prevented any redevelopments from taking place. Otherwise their rivals Woolworths would move in to challenge the supremacy of the Coles across the road from The Terrace.

After the supermarket there (which at the time was an IGA) closed down in May 2017 — a significant loss for the ailing Terrace, as its major drawcard was no longer there — Woolworths made an $11 million bid to redevelop the site, which was then stymied by a competitor. I wonder who that could have been? 

This wasn't the only bid Woolworths has made; in fact they have made several since 2016. But it has been difficult to get everyone on board, since each shop is individually owned. And apparently every time Woolies makes such a bid, the price goes up, so they seem to have got fed up with the idea.

So, as long as Coles holds ownership, no redevelopment can ever take place. And so The Terrace still stands there. And stands there.

But who knows? Right at this moment the Mooroolbark train station is being rebuilt as a result of Victoria's level crossing removal project, so when the new station is built, perhaps the topic of redeveloping The Terrace site will be brought up.

Until then, it will remain frozen in time.

TOKYO 2020 – The Closing

And after 17 days, it's all over. Tonight the Games of the XXXII Olympiad conclude, and all things considered, it seems to have gone very well. Obviously the roar of the crowd is integral to an Olympic final, but there have been plenty of memorable moments without it. The Games hit an emotional note that has been missing from many peoples' lives.

I'm not a sporty guy – you'll never see me sweating it out in a field. But I do enjoy watching the Olympic Games, and not just to see GOLD GOLD GOLD FOR 'STRAYA either. Couldn't give a toss about that. Take yer medal tally and shove it up yer catflap, matey. No, I watch it for the drama, and the raw human emotion, not just the joy but the defeat, the adversity and the heartbreak. The upsets, the records being broken, and the medal winners appearing in breakfast cereal ads for the next three years.

The theme of the closing ceremony is 'Worlds We Share' which feels more optimistic than the opening ceremony. The theme for that was 'United By Emotions', which deals with people sharing moments they cannot be physically together for. The opening on July 23 was more about history and tradition; it acknowledged the impact of COVID, the role of essential workers, and the fact that 30 year old tunes from Sonic games still warm the cockles of my shrivelled joyless soul. So! How will the closing differ from this? Will it be more celebratory than its precursor? Come and join me, and let's find out. Ha~i, sutaato!

 

August 8, 8:03pm (Japan time). And we're off. Please stand for some random salaryman Prince Akihino. The music playing in the background is from Tokyo Story. I've never seen that film. I know, I know – I have no right to call myself Japanese, right? The melancholy music reinforces the sad sight of the empty stadium seats.

8:08. Kimigayo time. Then the flag-bearers enter. As stated at the opening ceremony, the Olympic motto has been modified to "Faster, higher, stronger, together". Hopefully the Canadians won't mistake the male Australian flag-bearer for a woman this time, the wallies.

8:21. The athletes now enter. Hey, there's the flag of the Philippines, who won their first gold medal at Tokyo 2020 after competing in the Olympics since 1924. In womens' weightlifting, no less. There were three countries who won their first ever Olympic medal at these games: Burkina Faso, San Marino, and Turkmenistan. People of all nations intermingling in Tokyo, relaxed and having fun — it reminds me of my JET Programme orientation 20 years ago! Except these guys will be heading off to quarantine and not to distribute Mr. Sparkle in their home prefecture.

8:43. All is quiet in the stadium as particles of light cascade from the stadium roof to form the Olympic rings. I have no idea how they did that. Good stuff.

8:46. A band starts playing, and hey! It's the Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra! I remember them from my days living in Japan. Someone made a great call in getting these guys to play. Their upbeat, high-energy set is perfect for this atmosphere. One of the songs in their medley is Kyu Sakamoto's "Ue O Muite Arukou", and it's the band playing, but with Sakamoto's original vocals. Very cool.

Later note: I've since seen comments criticizing this choice of music, saying it "wasn't Japanese enough". What would they have preferred? Enka?

9:05. The medal presentation ceremonies for the womens' and mens' marathons, both won by Kenya. Good on yer, Eliud Kipchoge.

9:33. Wait — did I hear my former home prefecture Gifu mentioned?! Well, yes actually. There's a snippet of video showing the Gujo-odori, accompanied by a song called "Harukoma" which I still remember even now. Cutting back to the stadium, a live singer performs a song for the O-Bon festival dance. I didn't think the Sonic song could be topped, but my former home town region of Gujo being part of the ceremony is the definite highlight of the night.

9:44. The Olympic flag is handed over from Tokyo to Paris. Bonne chance, Parisiennes. Better get those rioters sorted out in the next 3 years, eh? And give those anti-vaxxers a dose of the old water cannon while you're at it.

10:18. The segments of the cauldron close up as the flame goes out, followed by a final blast of fireworks and the word 'ARIGATO' lit up on a dot matrix-style LED screen. It would be nice if the screen also included a picture of the coronavirus with the 'middle finger' emoji next to it, but I can see why that idea wouldn't be popular.

And now, it's all over. Go home. Do something else with your lives. Be great. Eat your vegetables. Brush your teeth. Arigato.

Thanks to Mai for the first two photos.

20 years since my first day in Japan

The eyes of sports fans around the world are on Tokyo right now, and on this day 20 years ago, I arrived in Japan for the first time. I was 23 years old, having had my uni graduation only three months prior. Here are my recollections of my first three days in Tokyo.

The hot and humid Sunday morning of August 5, 2001 is my first day in a country I had previously only come into contact with through Japanese classes, soaking up the culture by proxy. My involvement was typical; outings to Japanese restaurants, watching a low-res bootleg of someone’s ‘fan-subbed’ anime video, and hosting an exchange student named Gaku – the first Japanese person I ever met. Filed away in my mind during that period was the notion of Japan as the country responsible for video games, lurid cartoons, martial arts and electronic gadgets, all produced by overworked businessmen.

As the Perth group of twenty English teachers-to-be stagger off the plane into the Tokyo dawn, our suitcases are tagged and forwarded to our respective prefectures. Our first day in Japan has barely reached the breakfast hour and the humidity is enough to wilt flowers. I manage to board the coach first, where I stretch out and fall asleep on the back row of seats.

When I awake we are no longer in Chiba prefecture where Narita Airport is. We are now surrounded by towering skyscrapers on all sides in the Tokyo district of Shinjuku. The name means ‘New Lodgings’. New indeed. There are probably enough buildings to house the entire population of Australia. The gleam from the windows do a good job of temporarily blinding us as the coach pulls silently up to the Tokyo Hilton Hotel, and it is there that our group splits up. Several people are deposited there, and at the next stop, the Century Hyatt Hotel, me, my new friend Chris, then 31, and a third guy get off the bus. The three of us are escorted up to the eleventh floor.  

Chris and I look at the big brass keys in our hands and see they both bear the number 1120. We open the door to find two beds and a third bed folded out from the couch. Dropping our luggage on the beds, we stare out of the large window into Shinjuku Chuuou Kouen (Central Park) across the road. Our remaining roommate arrives after twenty minutes; Deane, from Christchurch, New Zealand. He is 28, making me the youngest of the three, but we have a lot in common. We are all bound for Gifu prefecture, and none of us have been to Japan before. In the centre of the huge expanse of trees beyond our window is a small paved area where a second-hand market buzzes with activity. To the rear is a small waterfall. You can see this below in the first photo I took in Japan, from the hotel room window.

Deane then falls asleep, so Chris and I decide to go outside and have a look around. Outside, we cross a footbridge over the road, and then over a smaller one named the Rainbow Bridge, and find ourselves in the park. The air rings with the buzzing of cicadas coming deafeningly from every tree. On the ground, people doze on mats with mosquito coils burning beside them. Chris and I do a quick lap of the market, and look at the waterfall which is named ‘Shinjuku Niagara’. We then head past the massive Keio Plaza Hotel and back to our own.

Deane is still asleep. About 11:30 the phone rings. Chris answers it, saying “Moshi moshi”. He is excited to be using the Japanese phone greeting for the first time. It is my family calling from back in Perth. I drink some water and lie down. The phone rings again; Chris’ friend Tetsu from Nagoya is in town. While Chris gets ready to meet him, I fall asleep.

I wake up to find Chris gone and Deane awake. It is already 5:30 p.m. I suggest to Deane we have a wander round, and he says he wants to go for a run in the park. In the lobby Deane runs into some of his Kiwi friends, and we stand and chinwag for several minutes before heading out towards the humid metropolis. As we pass the park, we see the sellers have now all gone. Only a few kids doing stunts on BMXs and a couple playing badminton with no net, remain. We head through the underground tunnels of Shinjuku Station and emerge into the nightlife on the other side. The sky is dark, the neon signs are pulsating, and cars choke the roads. The vivid colours and cartoon caricatures tease the eye; the flashing lights never stop. Shop stereos blast J-Pop, the perky and upbeat genre of mainstream pop music, as giant video screens on the side of buildings blare and glare with slick animated commercials.

Once again we stop to take it all in. Deane also remains silent, and he must be thinking what I am. I have seen this city depicted in a dozen anime films and TV series: as a mutated post-nuclear mega-tropolis in Akira; as a crime ridden psycho-zone in Burn Up W and as a carefree nighttime playground for ne’er-do-wells in Taihou Shichauzo (“You’re Under Arrest”). Now that I have ended up here I can see it for what it is: all of the above and more.

It may seem unbelievable in the era of smartphone cameras (and in the era of digital cameras before it), but I only took two photos on my first day in Japan – taken with my somewhat naff Olympus film camera. And the second photo wasn't even taken by me. It showed Deane and I in the hotel room and was taken by Chris.

Deane says he will head back to the park for a run, so I continue on up a stairway, through a shopping precinct and down a crowded inner-city street. Crowded is not the word, although obviously I just used it. There are 325 people per square kilometre in Japan. For ten minutes I stare around me glaze-eyed at such sights as a punk in chain-mail; a girl with him in ‘Goth Lolita’ get-up; people sending text messages as they wait to cross the street; piles of discarded magazines on meter boxes; calling cards of prostitutes in phone boxes, each one featuring a manga character; trash bags piled up on the kerb and a noticeable lack of rubbish bins; and the ever-present hordes of gaijin (foreigners).

The katakana word geemu (game) on a sign catches my eye and I follow the arrow down into a seedy video game arcade. A large fan is on full speed, barely ruffling the addled gamers’ mohawks. A few of the cabinets are just excuses for full-frontal cartoon nudity. Back in the street, I spot the pink HMV logo on the side of a building some distance away. I head towards it in the scrum of flawlessly-attired Tokyo-ites. I reach the Takashimaya Department Store, and get the lift up to the twelfth floor. Entering the massive store, I am surrounded by millions of CDs on shelves, and take a stunned moment to scan the signs above them to seek out the correct genre, which are written in English.

Even after eight years of learning Japanese I’d never bothered to learn the order of the hiragana so locating my favourite Japanese band Shonen Knife is a tad difficult. I eventually find two of their albums and scurry off to the checkout where a youth awaits me. The two CDs come to over 6000 yen – about a hundred dollars in Australian money – but my dedication to Shonen Knife refuses to let this fact sink in. Tax is not included in the stated price, which means you can never have the exact change ready. I hand over a 10,000 yen note, and he returns the change and receipt on a small metal tray. Then, producing a small card and a leaflet, he begins to explain something. I stand there and pretend to be in the know, but I do manage to surmise that he is giving me a loyalty card, with five points for every CD purchased. Luckily, part of the leaflet is in English. He swipes my card and I collect five points. I thank him and leave, my first real-life informal interaction with a Japanese person in Japan completed satisfactorily.

I have no problem getting from Takashimaya to the shopping precinct I first entered but from there I am lost. I decide to trudge down some back alleys in the hope that they somehow lead back to my hotel, but of course they don’t. I go around the block and end up on the main road. Finding one’s way is different to back home; directions in Japan are usually given by block numbers and landmarks. Most streets don’t have names; only main thoroughfares have them. Trying the opposite direction this time, I catch sight of a McDonald’s (where else), go in and order a meal. Ah, a familiar gaijin ritual. It takes them a while to make the burger, so I am given a free small Coke while I wait. I pay with a 500 yen coin. It feels strange to pay for a whole meal with one coin. As I eat, I watch a live music show on a large video screen.

Back out into the warm night I go, sticking to the main roads and find my hotel using the maps on the roadside. Chris has just returned from a place called Asakusa, and Deane has brewed some coffee which he bought from a convenience store called ampm. “Did you find the CD you were looking for?” Deane asks. I say yes, showing him my copy of Strawberry Sound. “Sweet!” he says, in that easy-going Kiwi way. How appropriate (and also inevitable) that my first purchase in Japan were two Shonen Knife CDs.

I was completely dead beat at this point, so I fell asleep without dwelling on the fact that this was my first night in Japan, with a year of living there ahead of me. But I've never forgotten that day. I was grateful to use it by going out and exploring. Perhaps the JET Programme organizers gave us that day to get used to our new surroundings.

 

A 'selfie' (even though the term hadn't been invented yet) in the Tokyo district of Akihabara,
August 7th 2001. I really felt like I had stepped into the future. 

 

Back on August 5, 2011, I chatted with Chris on the occasion of the 10th anniversary of our Japan arrival. "Wow, doesn't time fly," he said, and I hope he won't mind me reproducing his comments here. "I want to go back in time. Back to 2001."

I asked him what he remembered about that first day. "It was like a sauna!" he said. "I remember walking around Shinjuku overwhelmed. The hotel was very nice. Luckily we had good room mates, me, you and Deane. I think everyone slept that evening. I didn't, I met a Japanese friend and we went to Asakusa. I somehow felt OK the next day. We had to be careful, being hillbillies from Perth, haha."

I just reminded Chris this evening about it being 20 years. "Happy 20th JET-iversary!" he said. "Don't throw away those photos and journals. We can talk about it when we are 80! I think I didn't take a photo that day. Most were so tired and slept. Was it just three of us in the [hotel] room? We were lucky, us three. We all got along so well. Never easy staying in a room with people you don't know. I knew you so it was easy."

China 5 – "Crocodile"

Hey, a new China 5 video? Really and for true? Well, no. China 5 ceased operations in 2020, and thanks so much to the 46 people out there who listened to our songs. Well, I'm sure it was more than 46 – one of our songs ("Too Many Sushi") got nearly 10,000 plays back in the MySpace Music days...

Anyway, this is a video for the song "Crocodile", from the 4th China 5 album Republic, from 2008. This is the only China 5 song to have appeared on a compilation album! It was called Vs. The World Volume 4 and it was released in 2009.

So, why make a video for an old song from days of yore? Well, the video was originally made in 2008, but the edit was only recently completed due to the finding of some lost footage. It was a real mind trip to see this old rubbish valuable material from the past again, and has finally been reinstated into the video which it belonged.

Because of the delay in this video's release (13 years isn't that long, is it?), the version of the song isn't the one that appeared on Republic, nor is it the version that appeared on Vs. The World. It is a remastered version – Republic was remastered in January 2020, and that's the version you'll hear in this video.

Thanks to all who helped me make the video: Alfie, Leftie Lampton, Gripper Stebson, and Dougie.

TOKYO 2020 Opening Ceremony

The Tokyo Olympics. Remember it? It was going to get cancelled. But it wasn't. It's going ahead after all. And for some reason they are still being called the 2020 Olympics, not the 2021 Olympics. Don't ask me why.

Of course, tonight's opening will not be typical, but is still eagerly anticipated. So, just what has Japan done? Let's go see. I'm going to watch the opening ceremony of the Games of the XXXII Olympiad – so you don't have to! Ikuze!

 

July 23, 8:00pm [Japan time]. The stadium looks very strange with no crowds, and no noise either.

8:03. An opening video montage shows the athletes' training and development, going back to 2013 when Tokyo was announced as the host for 2020. I was surprised the chronology didn't really reference the COVID-19 pandemic at all, aside from two brief shots of a deserted Tokyo intersection. But they're going to have to address this issue at some point during the next 4 hours, I'd say.

8:04. The countdown ends with an aerial shot of the stadium lit up, looking like a zero. Neat.

8:08. A dance routine involving red ropes, representing the human body's circulatory system. I'm sure all of this was drastically scaled back; we can only wonder what was originally planned for this performance.

8:14. Introduction of the Emperor. But instead of showing him, they just cut to some random dude in a suit, with a mask on.
Wait – that IS the Emperor. My mistake. Gomennasai. Please do not have me exiled to Kyushu for my insolence.

8:20. Tempting though it is to make a joke about how Morning Musume or Godiego should have sung the Japanese national anthem, I'll...completely fail to resist the temptation, apparently. The singer MISIA does the honours here, and I vaguely remember her name from my days living in Japan 20 years ago (it's actually 20 years exactly on August 5, if you care to know).

8:25. The moment of silence shows that there are people in the audience (most likely officials), but they have remained largely silent. Apparently TV1 in New Zealand saw fit to run an ad during the brief silence. C'mon Kiwis, just because you did so well during this pandemic doesn't mean you can disrespect the dead. You used to be cool, 'bro'!

8:26. The next routine consists of Edo-jidai carpenters and some rhythmic drumming. This is another bit that has had its effect dulled by the lack of audience, but the performers gave it their all.

8:29. A male tap-dancer does a solo dance, eliciting the first polite applause so far. I guess that's what the youth™ are into these days.

8:33. The five Olympic rings, made of wood, are moved into position on a large mechanical frame. The wood was from trees planted by athletes at the Tokyo games in 1964. The rings have been rendered in different ways over the years, so this bare-wood Muji-esque iteration seems to demonstrate the concept of wabi-sabi, which is highly treasured and sought for in the Japanese Arts.

8:41. The orchestra starts up, and now the athletes enter in the Parade of Nations. Dare I sit through the whole thing? Greece enters first as per usual, and then the Refugee Olympic Team, and then the rest of them in katakana order.

8:43. Nice to see the Irish team bow in unison to the line of Japanese dancers as they entered – and the greeting was returned.

8:46. The signs bearing the countries' names in romaji and katakana look like manga speech balloons.

8:53. Italy look pretty hyped – well, they did win Euro 2020 twelve days ago and Eurovision two months ago...

9:08. The orchestra is playing the Star Light Zone theme from the very first Sonic the Hedgehog game (which came out 30 years ago!), a.k.a. the Dreams Come True song "Kusuriyubi no Kesshin". Ace! This snippet of music, probably my favourite Sonic level theme, almost did the job of an actual Sonic appearance here. Well, he is one of Japan's most famous modern cultural exports, after all.

9:30. Because Russia was banned for doping, the Russian Olympic Committee enter with the Olympic flag. If any of them win a gold medal, Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 will play instead of the Russian national anthem. It now occurs to me that there is a list somewhere of songs played in lieu of the anthem of banned nations, and I must see this list. Australia's replacement song just has to be this.

9:44. I still can't figure out why the Japanese names for Switzerland and Thailand are Suisu and Tai, respectively. They included the '-land' in the katakana renderings of Iceland, Ireland and Finland, so what gives? Can you figure it out, multiple question marks???

9:48. Star Light Zone music again! Ah, the nostalgia. If they could now crank out "Zankoku na Tenshi no Teize", they will have made my night. (Later note: As it turns out, all the music being played in this medley is from video games! Apart from Sonic, there's also music from such games as Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts and Chrono Trigger. So there you go.)

10:36. The Japanese athletes enter. Kudos to the organizers, they have achieved a lot in a time of immense adversity. And that's all 205 nations. No sign of North Korea at all.

10:50. 1,824 drones form the chequered Tokyo 2020 emblem in lights in the night sky, and they then form a globe of the world, as John Lennon's "Imagine" is sung for the 5th time at an Olympic opening ceremony. (I'd suggest they give this song a go.) Amazing use of drones there – the globe in the sky was beautifully done.

(As an aside: I had hoped that the zeroes and O's in the logo would appear as red circles like on the Japanese flag, as they were shown at the end of the 2016 Rio games. But it seems they changed their mind about that.)

11:19. I'm getting tired...it's now after midnight in Melbourne. The Olympic flag is now being brought in...but who will light the flame? Naomi Osaka? Osamu Tezuka? Doraemon?? I told my old uni mate Ben that I'll be disappointed if Pikachu doesn't appear in this ceremony, and he said "And if the Olympic flame isn't lit by a Charizard, I'm out."

11:30. The way the graphic symbols of the 50 events were acted out with actors, props and camera angles was really cool!

11:38. Pianist Hiromi plays super fast while a kabuki actor strides the stage, at the base of a stepped pyramid-thingy. It finished with the kabuki guy giving a demented stare right at the camera. What's going on here? I have no idea, but it's great.

11:42. The Olympic flame enters into the stadium (hey, that's a pleonasm), soundtracked by Maurice Ravel's "Boléro".

11:47. A doctor and a nurse do one leg of the final torch run. Hooray for frontline medical workers everywhere!

11:53. Tennis player Naomi Osaka lights the cauldron, which sits at the top of the aforementioned pyramid (later note: I think it's meant to represent Mt. Fuji). The cauldron resembles a chrysanthemum (or is it an orchid?).

Midnight. And that's it! The flame is lit, the flags are flying, the fireworks have gone off. The majority of athletes have been bussed back to the Olympic Village, where the tatami have been swept clean, the plates of fresh takoyaki and cups of hot amazake have been laid out on the dining tables, and the relentless parapara J-Pop is being pumped out over the speakers in tentative anticipation of 16 days of the pursuit of Olympic glory.

I've already been hearing the inevitable whinging about how the ceremony was too sombre, too minimal, and not a single mention of Doctor Slump or Catbus. But really, what more could they have done? Ever since that archer shot a flaming arrow to light the cauldron at Barcelona 1992, opening ceremonies have been getting more and more extravagant to the point where they have become, in the main, a tourism promotion for the host nation. As well as promoting sporting ideals they also take the chance to showcase the iconography and emblems of their country.

Of course, the Tokyo organizers were severely limited in the scope of what they could do. I'm sure from the moment they won the hosting rights 8 years ago, they would've had all sorts of extravagant and wacky ideas. Such as sushi rolls being shot out of the exhaust pipe of a Nissan Fairlady Z being driven by Mario, a kappa, and the cast of Monkey to the strains of Shonen Knife's "Watchin' Girl". Well, it would have been like that if I had been on the planning committee, anyway.

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 9"

Compilation: Hit Machine 9
Released: 1995 – Festival
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 2 – "Back For Good" by Take That, "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Everybody On The Floor" by Tokyo Ghetto Pussy
Hidden gem: "Old Pop In An Oak" by Rednex

Here's the second Hit Machine I found today. This one takes me back to 1995 which was my final year of high school. There were some memorable tunes that year that were not, in fact, "Gangsta's Paradise". I know, right? Hard to believe. So, bring on the nostalgia, small round plastic disc!

It opens with "Everybody On The Floor", a frenetic dance track that I thought was really rather good despite its repetitive nature. It also had an amusing video set in...some kind of weird laundromat? The German duo (Stuttgart Ghetto doesn't have the same ring to it) behind Jam & Spoon were also responsible for this, and it's a step in the right direction. This song goes hard, and even for idiots like me who can't dance, usually induces a fair bit of head-nodding and fist-pumping. Especially when I go to the laundromat, ho ho.

Next up are the odious house duo The Outhere Brothers (is it 'out here' or 'out there'? Who cares) with "Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)". Said duo didn't appear in the video for this, their first single, but employed the use of stock cartoons, a trick very cleverly also used by whoever edited the "Excalibur" video for F.C.B. It's nowhere near as good a song as "Boom Boom Boom" which almost topped the charts, but is still okay (now that those iffy 'sexual' lyrics have been removed). Although this makes the song a hell of a lot shorter. And the final cry of "Beeeeyatch!" has been left in. Was this really necessary, Outhere Brothers? Whatever.

The dance-fest continues with track 3 with the ace rave-trance anthem by N-Trance, "Set You Free". They'd become best known for "Stayin' Alive" which reached no.1 later in 1995 but this is my favourite song by them. More fun memories of high school here. I still remember the bit in the video where the singer's singing while fireworks are going off behind her. Come on, get to the next song or I'll start bawlin'.

Oh, it's the Eurodance act with a very topical name in the Year of Our Lord 2021: Corona. And I reckon it's better than the song they're best known for, "The Rhythm Of The Night". But "Baby Baby" is a far superior song. It just is. The 2007 Sunblock cover (which featured the original vocalist) is really good as well.

Next is the Real McCoy with some Eurotrance. "Run Away" is perfectly passable dance muzak but it somehow lacks the deep-seated drama of "Another Night". It has a nice synth line after each verse, though. Then comes the M-People yet again with their 1,773rd single, "Open Your Heart". And no, that's not the Madonna song being covered. Just as well.

Oh boy, I'd never heard this next one until now. Rednex followed up the insanely popular (or irritating, depending on how you look at it) "Cotton Eye Joe" with "Old Pop In An Oak", which sounds pretty much identical. It has the same male vocal chorus/violins/female verse/synthesized banjo sequence. It even ends in the same way, with a solo male vocal. Actually, it's not all that bad. Melodic enough for my liking. I heard these guys were Swedish, is that true? I wonder how well these hillbilly antics were received in Scandiwegia.

I'm not a fan of either of the two chart-topping singles on here, to put it mildly. Especially "Mouth" by Merril Bainbridge. I hate that song with the fiery fury of a thousand suns. Now I didn't mind her follow-up single "Under The Water", but you would have to travel far and wide to find someone who hates "Mouth" as much as I do. The puerile and idiotic lyrics, the twee vocals and the generic rubbishy backing music make this one of the least enjoyable listening experiences ever. Thus, the Australian public, who have no taste, sent it rocketing to number 1. Even the video, with its close-ups of mouths, was something best avoided. It makes me shudder to even think about it.

I thought "Here Comes The Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze was a bit strange when I first heard it. Like they forgot to finish the percussion part or something. And I think this is the first time I've heard "Mr. Natural" by Mental As Anything since 1995. It's pretty good! Sadly these guys have ceased all future activities with the death of 'Greedy' Smith in 2019, and "Mr. Natural" was their final single to make the top 40.

Another band scoring their final hit on here is the Divinyls with "I'm Jealous", which got to number 14. It's not a bad song and did pretty well, but would prove to be their final appearance on the chart. "I might kick her face in" is a nice line, too.

My second-favourite song on here is "Digging The Grave" by Faith No More, a much darker song than the two singles chosen to lead off their previous two albums. King For A Day, Fool For A Lifetime is one helluva'n album, though I was disappointed to see guitarist Jim Martin had left the band – he was such a big part of their sound. Dean Menta is an ace guitarist though. Hey, FNM are track 14 on here, which they also were on Smash Hits '95. How fascinating.

Hmm, "You Suck" by The Murmurs is on here. The Murmurs suck. I remember back in 1995, standing at the counter of the Echo Chamber, a music shop in Carousel (a shopping centre in Perth), paying for a CD, when some kid comes up to the counter and asks another girl behind the counter, "Do you have 'You Suck'?" No other info, they (can't remember if it was a boy or a girl) just said that. And the girl behind the counter goes "You Suck?" and the kid replied "You Suck". And the girl told them no. Although I'd wager there were about 39,998 unsold cassingles under a dead kipper gathering dust in the back room.

Anyway, "You Suck" is a crappy song. It is also responsible for the "Contains offensive language" warning on the cover. Also, they didn't censor the swearing in this song, or in the printed lyrics either. (Maybe that's why the Echo Chamber didn't want to sell it to that kid.) But wait, they did print the swear word in the Heather Nova track, but used the version where the line was changed? I don't know what the rules are anymore!

The final song on here is "No More I Love Youse" by Annie Lennox. No, she hasn't become an Australian bogan. Not that I'm aware of. That is just the facetious way I spelled the title of "No More 'I Love You's". It's actually a cover, which I only just found out. What the hell is going on with that demented laughter in the middle eight? Did the producers think it was 'funny' and just leave it in? Such are the mysteries of life, my friend. I wish you all the best on your journey.

Except the Murmurs. They suck.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 4"

 

Compilation: Hit Machine 4
Released: 1994 – BMG
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: 1 – "Boom! Shake The Room" by DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince
Other top ten singles: 7
Best track: "Slave To The Music" by Twenty 4 Seven
Hidden gem: "Born In The Ghetto" by Funky Poets

I went to Savers today and found not one, but two Hit Machines! That's a rare occurrence indeed. So let's get into it, starting with the fourth volume of the series.

Twenty 4 Seven get to lead off proceedings with one of the best dance tracks of the early-to-mid-'90s in "Slave To The Music". Still a fine tune even now, and it also has one of my favourite lyrics in pop music: "I can't live my life without jammin', that is why my life is so slammin'". Brilliant. For some odd reason the first two verses of lyrics have been omitted from the booklet. Bah!

Speaking of the lyric booklet, I also found it odd that it prints the word "niggas" several times for Xscape's "Just Kickin' It" but censors that word in the song itself. Actually that particular term is misspelled in the booklet, but you get the idea. Maybe they thought it was okay to write it but not say it? 

It's really difficult to separate "Slave To The Music" from Urban Cookie Collective's "Feels Like Heaven" as to which is the better dance track. They're both brilliant, but in different ways. I bet they'd fill a dancefloor in mere seconds at a '90s-themed rave night. As you can see above I went for "Slave..." as the superior song, slightly because the above-quoted lyric. When it comes to that he raps/she sings subgenre of Eurodance that I was such a fan of in the '90s but doesn't seem to exist anymore, Culture Beat's "Got To Get It" and "Maximum Overdrive" by 2 Unlimited complete the 1994 trifecta.

While the likes of Twenty 4 Seven, Urban Cookie Collective and Culture Beat are largely unheard of in 2021, M-People's "Moving On Up" is still well known thanks to its ubiquity on radio. It's not as good a song as the ones by those aforementioned artists, in my opinion.

Gawd, E.Y.C. sure did suck, didn't they? Select magazine wrote in their reviews in 1994, "Three bronzed troupers from Planet Ken come down to Earth and make a crap LP about falling in lurve. And that's it. The whole gamut from A to A". And that about sums it up. "Feelin' Alright" has a good bassline but the rest of the song is forgettable. If you're into rubbish boy bands then Take That are also on here with more of their atonal caterwauling.

"Open Up" by Leftfield and John Lydon barely cracked the top 40 but is actually very good. Come on, the dude from Sex Pistols does the vocals on it, how can you lose?

A quarter of the songs on here I'd never heard before. They are by Baby Animals, Depeche Mode, Xscape, Defryme and Funky Poets. The best of these is probably the Funky Poets, but Defryme are pretty good too. Didn't listen to them much in high school.

And that's why my life is so slammin'.

Rating: 6/10

Adventures in Polymer Clay: Pool Ball Beads

Stuck at home during Melbourne's 4th lockdown and not able to go to work, I had to find other ways to amuse myself. So, having spent some time on recording songs and drawing comics pages, I now turned to other pursuits and that old chestnut – making beads out of polymer clay!

Back in March 2020 I made a beaded bracelet using polymer clay. Here's the post about it if you care to see how that went.

Long story short, it was pretty good – even more so once the beads were sprayed with gloss spray to finish. This time, I wanted beads that represented one of my favourite pastimes: playing pool. 15 beads, each resembling a numbered pool ball.

Below you can see the raw clay beads. Obviously pool balls are perfectly spherical, and this is pretty much impossible to do with clay unless you're Leonard of Vinci with the patience of a flipping saint. No dice. So, if they're a little bit squished it's okay.

In the ten-pack of multi-coloured clay you will have to mix up your own colours for orange (5 ball and 13), dark purple (4 and 12) and maroon (7 and 15). Of these, maroon is the most difficult. I found that red and light purple gets closest to it, if colour accuracy is important to you.

(Some sets of pool balls have the number 4 [and 12] with a bright pink colour, and the 6 [and 14] with a lime green. What's up with that?)

 

 

Anyway, make 'em, bake 'em, paint the numbers on and glaze 'em. I used acrylic white paint to paint the white circles, and a permanent fineliner marker to write the numbers, before they were sprayed with gloss spray. Shiny, so shiny. 

 

A nice side effect of this is that once baked, the white clay goes slightly off-white, just like real pool balls.

 

But I done screwed up and didn't make the holes wide enough, and my elastic thread wouldn't fit through. I had to make do with wire instead, with a metal clasp and ring attached.

 

 

 

I find this tiny metal clasp thing very fiddly to use and impossible to put on one-handed, so in the end I put them on some cheap elastic instead, which is just until I find something better. This was just a trial run though, if I get any more clay I'll have another bash at it. For now, I'm fairly happy with the results.