Compilation: Smash Hits '90
Released: 1990 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Epic" by Faith No More
Other top ten singles: 10
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne
Ah, it's another Smash Hits compilation for my compilation shelf. Good-o. Not only was 1990 the year I started following the charts – as I've said 16 thousand times on this blog – but it was also the year I started reading Smash Hits. It only cost $1.98 at the time (which left me a grand total of two cents left over from my weekly pocket money), and although they put the price up to $2.25 soon after, it was still a bargain. Top 50 chart listings! Song lyrics! Posters! Amusing readers' letters! Pre-internet pop trivia like Craig McLachlan's dog's name (it was 'Bottom', the dirty sod!) Witty and sometimes absurd commentary on pop stars' shenanigans! This mag had it all.
The songs on this album all bring back vivid memories of Year 7, my last year of primary school. And I was one of the few kids in my class who read it. So naturally I could recite up-to-the-minute chart info that made me seem like a guru to the other kids. Such as: "Black Betty" was an old song from the '70s, and M.C. Hammer was once in a Honda motorbike commercial, and stuff like that.
I paid $11.50 for this, which believe it or not, makes it the second-most expensive compilation CD out of the 63 I've collected so far! (Summer '89 tops that list at a wallet-busting $20.50.) But, you see, being the devotee of Smash Hits' compilations that I am, I had to have it.
I should point out that a compilation of the same name was also released in the UK, so if you're searching for it online, don't get the two mixed up. Considering the rubbish that was in the UK charts in 1990, this is critical.
Unfortunately the CD booklet doesn't have the chart stats and facts that Smash Hits '89 had or the lyrics that Smash Hits '91 has. It just has photos of all the 17 artists featured. It's a bit disappointing there was no commentary from the mag itself, and as I recall it was advertised in every issue on release. My copy is stamped "Promotion Only – Not For Sale" though, so maybe they changed that.
The compilers have chosen to start with three rock tracks in "Lay Down Your Guns" by Jiminy Barnes, "Dogs Are Talking" by The Angels and Faith No More's epic, "Epic". This choice is rather unusual when you consider that Smash Hits '89 started with Indecent Obsession, Sinitta and Bros, and Smash Hits '91 with C+C Music Factory, Yothu Yindi and De La Soul. But hey, I'm not complaining. Rock on.
Barnesy is the one to kick-start this compilation with the usual throat-shredding you'd expect from him, then it kicks into a higher gear with "Dogs Are Talking", one of the first hard rock songs I heard (and which fell one place short of the top 10). I still like it, although I have no idea what "Dogs are talking" might mean. I thought it could be about gossiping! But the verses and the slightly naff spoken-word bit at the beginning makes it clear that the song is about some dude wanting to get his rocks off with a girl – that most unconventional subject matter for popular music.
"Epic" is still one of the best songs ever recorded. And it's also the only number 1 single on here. If they were going to pick one number 1 single to be on here, they could have picked "Vogue", or "Opposites Attract", or even "Nothing Compares 2 U", 1990's year-end chart-topper, but they went with "Epic". Top marks.
"Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams isn't a song I've really listened to in the intervening 31 years but it doesn't sound too bad. Ditto Belinda Carlisle and "Summer Rain", and The Chimes' cover of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". They're not bad, they just didn't really grab me in 1990. I heard them many a time from watching Rage, though. I didn't like "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne, I preferred the follow-up single "I'll Be Your Shelter" – and Smash Hits slammed it in their single reviews! It actually outcharted "Love Will Lead You Back" by 7 places, reaching number 4.
I don't mind "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli, with its lyrical theme of how you'd rather blame anyone else but yourself for your own mistakes. As for the not performing on the record thing, that isn't something I really think about, as sad as a story as it was, with the untimely death of one of the members. It does sound a bit tinny for a 1990 dance single, but that's part of its charm.
Boy, New Kids On The Block were bloody awful, weren't they? Every song of theirs had the same clunky drum machine and "Huh!" vocals with tons of echo applied. Absolute ham-fisted junk. But given their readership, they had to put a single by these idiots on. Following this is Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2's "Mona". One of the readers accused the magazine of being on his payroll because there was a poster of Craig in every issue. There was, though. Apart from maybe NKOTB, there were probably more posters of him than any other pop star in the mag in 1990.
The sadly departed Guru Josh and his ace rave-trance anthem "Infinity" is sandwiched between the two Minogue sisters. And what an absolute banger it still is. I never got to hear it in its proper nightclub context, but it's one of the highlights of 1990 music for me. The piano break, the sax, the synth chords – what a song.
As for Dannii and Kylie Minogue – absolute pap! "Love And Kisses" was one of the worst songs I'd ever heard. It still is. Dannii can't hold a tune at all, and as for her attempts to sound "black and funky" – and that's her own description of the song as quoted in Smash Hits – well let's just say Janet Jackson has nothing to worry about (come to think of it, she should be on here instead). As for Kylie, "Better The Devil You Know" is marginally better – listening to it through headphones as I type this, I can hear house piano chords in there – but it's standard Stock Aitken Waterman fare.
So, how about some chart stats trivia? Which song got higher on the charts, "Love And Kisses" or "Better The Devil You Know"? Give up? Well as it happens, they both reached the same position, number 4. But I regret to say that Kylie only held that position for one week, while Dannii managed three weeks there, as well as a longer chart run. Rats.
Oh man, I can't even listen to Concrete Blonde's "Joey", it's so turgid and depressing, and just plain crap. Sorry, but it is. I didn't think it was possible for a performer to have absolutely zero charisma but there you go.
Three songs from the end now and it's the only song on here I haven't heard, "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne. Hey, I thought you know every song that charted in 1990, you big wazzock, you must be thinking. And I do! But this song didn't chart at all. I can't even remember Scott Carne being covered much in the pages of Smash Hits. I looked him up and he was the singer from '80s Melbourne band Kids In The Kitchen, so maybe teenagers older than me would know who he was. His song was about 'makin' lurve' and othersuch frivolous pursuits, which was of total disinterest to me at the age of 12. Next.
The slow ballad "Southern Sky" by Paul Norton is the penultimate track, and I read its lyrics printed in the mag before I heard the song itself. I'm not into ballads or anything patriotic either, but the opening lines kinda got my attention. They are "It was Australia Day 1985 / Nothin' much was going on then / Sittin' in the same old dives". I wasn't in Australia in 1985 but I'd say that rings true. Bored senseless by your own country's national day – I can relate to that!
"Escaping" by Margaret Urlich finishes the album. Again, not a song that really grabbed me in 1990. Perhaps listening to it through headphones as an adult might change my opinion. Let's see, I can hear what sounds like a cricket chirping. That's not a joke by the way, I can actually hear it in the mix, although it's probably synth-generated. It's an okay song I s'pose, with nice enough instrumentation. Musically it's much more layered and varied than the rubbish Dannii Minogue or NKOTB serve up. I guess it was too mid-tempo for most people, although it was her highest-charting single.
And now I'm 'escaping' this blog post – see ya!
Rating: 6/10
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