Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '90"

Compilation: Smash Hits '90
Released: 1990 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Epic" by Faith No More
Other top ten singles: 10
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne

Ah, it's another Smash Hits compilation for my compilation shelf. Good-o. Not only was 1990 the year I started following the charts – as I've said 16 thousand times on this blog – but it was also the year I started reading Smash Hits. It only cost $1.98 at the time (which left me a grand total of two cents left over from my weekly pocket money), and although they put the price up to $2.25 soon after, it was still a bargain. Top 50 chart listings! Song lyrics! Posters! Amusing readers' letters! Pre-internet pop trivia like Craig McLachlan's dog's name (it was 'Bottom', the dirty sod!) Witty and sometimes absurd commentary on pop stars' shenanigans! This mag had it all. 

The songs on this album all bring back vivid memories of Year 7, my last year of primary school. And I was one of the few kids in my class who read it. So naturally I could recite up-to-the-minute chart info that made me seem like a guru to the other kids. Such as: "Black Betty" was an old song from the '70s, and M.C. Hammer was once in a Honda motorbike commercial, and stuff like that.

I paid $11.50 for this, which believe it or not, makes it the second-most expensive compilation CD out of the 63 I've collected so far! (Summer '89 tops that list at a wallet-busting $20.50.) But, you see, being the devotee of Smash Hits' compilations that I am, I had to have it. 

I should point out that a compilation of the same name was also released in the UK, so if you're searching for it online, don't get the two mixed up. Considering the rubbish that was in the UK charts in 1990, this is critical.

Unfortunately the CD booklet doesn't have the chart stats and facts that Smash Hits '89 had or the lyrics that Smash Hits '91 has. It just has photos of all the 17 artists featured. It's a bit disappointing there was no commentary from the mag itself, and as I recall it was advertised in every issue on release. My copy is stamped "Promotion Only – Not For Sale" though, so maybe they changed that.

The compilers have chosen to start with three rock tracks in "Lay Down Your Guns" by Jiminy Barnes, "Dogs Are Talking" by The Angels and Faith No More's epic, "Epic". This choice is rather unusual when you consider that Smash Hits '89 started with Indecent Obsession, Sinitta and Bros, and Smash Hits '91 with C+C Music Factory, Yothu Yindi and De La Soul. But hey, I'm not complaining. Rock on.

Barnesy is the one to kick-start this compilation with the usual throat-shredding you'd expect from him, then it kicks into a higher gear with "Dogs Are Talking", one of the first hard rock songs I heard (and which fell one place short of the top 10). I still like it, although I have no idea what "Dogs are talking" might mean. I thought it could be about gossiping! But the verses and the slightly naff spoken-word bit at the beginning makes it clear that the song is about some dude wanting to get his rocks off with a girl – that most unconventional subject matter for popular music.

"Epic" is still one of the best songs ever recorded. And it's also the only number 1 single on here. If they were going to pick one number 1 single to be on here, they could have picked "Vogue", or "Opposites Attract", or even "Nothing Compares 2 U", 1990's year-end chart-topper, but they went with "Epic". Top marks.

"Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams isn't a song I've really listened to in the intervening 31 years but it doesn't sound too bad. Ditto Belinda Carlisle and "Summer Rain", and The Chimes' cover of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". They're not bad, they just didn't really grab me in 1990. I heard them many a time from watching Rage, though. I didn't like "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne, I preferred the follow-up single "I'll Be Your Shelter" – and Smash Hits slammed it in their single reviews! It actually outcharted "Love Will Lead You Back" by 7 places, reaching number 4.

I don't mind "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli, with its lyrical theme of how you'd rather blame anyone else but yourself for your own mistakes. As for the not performing on the record thing, that isn't something I really think about, as sad as a story as it was, with the untimely death of one of the members. It does sound a bit tinny for a 1990 dance single, but that's part of its charm.

Boy, New Kids On The Block were bloody awful, weren't they? Every song of theirs had the same clunky drum machine and "Huh!" vocals with tons of echo applied. Absolute ham-fisted junk. But given their readership, they had to put a single by these idiots on. Following this is Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2's "Mona". One of the readers accused the magazine of being on his payroll because there was a poster of Craig in every issue. There was, though. Apart from maybe NKOTB, there were probably more posters of him than any other pop star in the mag in 1990.

The sadly departed Guru Josh and his ace rave-trance anthem "Infinity" is sandwiched between the two Minogue sisters. And what an absolute banger it still is. I never got to hear it in its proper nightclub context, but it's one of the highlights of 1990 music for me. The piano break, the sax, the synth chords – what a song.

As for Dannii and Kylie Minogue – absolute pap! "Love And Kisses" was one of the worst songs I'd ever heard. It still is. Dannii can't hold a tune at all, and as for her attempts to sound "black and funky" – and that's her own description of the song as quoted in Smash Hits – well let's just say Janet Jackson has nothing to worry about (come to think of it, she should be on here instead). As for Kylie, "Better The Devil You Know" is marginally better  – listening to it through headphones as I type this, I can hear house piano chords in there – but it's standard Stock Aitken Waterman fare. 

So, how about some chart stats trivia? Which song got higher on the charts, "Love And Kisses" or "Better The Devil You Know"? Give up? Well as it happens, they both reached the same position, number 4. But I regret to say that Kylie only held that position for one week, while Dannii managed three weeks there, as well as a longer chart run. Rats.

Oh man, I can't even listen to Concrete Blonde's "Joey", it's so turgid and depressing, and just plain crap. Sorry, but it is. I didn't think it was possible for a performer to have absolutely zero charisma but there you go.

Three songs from the end now and it's the only song on here I haven't heard, "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne. Hey, I thought you know every song that charted in 1990, you big wazzock, you must be thinking. And I do! But this song didn't chart at all. I can't even remember Scott Carne being covered much in the pages of Smash Hits. I looked him up and he was the singer from '80s Melbourne band Kids In The Kitchen, so maybe teenagers older than me would know who he was. His song was about 'makin' lurve' and othersuch frivolous pursuits, which was of total disinterest to me at the age of 12. Next.

The slow ballad "Southern Sky" by Paul Norton is the penultimate track, and I read its lyrics printed in the mag before I heard the song itself. I'm not into ballads or anything patriotic either, but the opening lines kinda got my attention. They are "It was Australia Day 1985 / Nothin' much was going on then / Sittin' in the same old dives". I wasn't in Australia in 1985 but I'd say that rings true. Bored senseless by your own country's national day – I can relate to that!

"Escaping" by Margaret Urlich finishes the album. Again, not a song that really grabbed me in 1990. Perhaps listening to it through headphones as an adult might change my opinion. Let's see, I can hear what sounds like a cricket chirping. That's not a joke by the way, I can actually hear it in the mix, although it's probably synth-generated. It's an okay song I s'pose, with nice enough instrumentation. Musically it's much more layered and varied than the rubbish Dannii Minogue or NKOTB serve up. I guess it was too mid-tempo for most people, although it was her highest-charting single.

And now I'm 'escaping' this blog post – see ya!

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 13"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 13
Released: 1994 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Hidden gem: "4-Letter Word" by Chocolate Starfish

It's happened, friends. My quest to collect the first 18 volumes of the 100% Hits series has concluded. It's Volume Lucky 13. Or is it? There aren't really many songs that troubled the upper reaches of the charts on here. Still, low chart positions don't mean low quality. So let's take this one for a spin.

It starts with one of the worst novelty songs ever, "Absolutely Fabulous". It's credited to Absolutely Fabulous, that naff UK sitcom from the '90s, but it's ostensibly the Pet Shop Boys. Who cares. It sucks. I even listened to the whole thing to remind me of its irrevocable suckitude. Next.

"Son Of A Gun" by JX was a dance track I thought was really stupid when I first heard it – I couldn't believe a banger like "You Belong To Me" the following year was by the same 'group'! However it has grown on me. It's got this weird melancholy bit in the middle which jars with the upbeat hook of the song, which I can see taking out, to be honest.

Oh boy, 1994 was a big year for 'gangsta rap'. Which I'm not really into, but no matter. We've got Kulcha here with their usual schtick about some girl who "got it goin' awn". Whatever. Then Salt N' Pepa, who also get on my nerves, but "Heaven N' Hell" does have a couple of funny lines. Too bad whoever rapped the third voice will shred your eardrums. I'm not too interested in songs about life in the ghetto and how the "youth" will be "enlightened". I don't really care. What's next?

Oh, it's "Take Me Away", by D:Ream. It never charted, so I'd never heard this before. It's got a male and female vocalist, so that's a point in its favour. I like that in my '90s dance singles. It does sound a bit too much like M People for my liking, as in, the type of music you hear in clothing shops and whatnot. But it's got that house music wail in there, which was in a lot of '90s house tracks.

Apparently Joshua Kadison's soppy ballad "Jessie" is written about his break-up with 'actress' Sarah Jessica Parker. Oh lawd. Marcia Hines is next, with "Rain". This is years before she was a judge on some crappy music talent show so I had no idea who she was. The song's alright. Then we've got some enduring geriatrics in The Rolling Stones. "Love Is Strong" sounds like a blues bar ballad. Another song that didn't crack the top 40, so I never heard it. Thankfully The Sharp can rock it up after this with "Alone Like Me", although it's not my fave song by them (but it was the highest-charting).

Chocolate Starfish. Ergh. What a horrible band name. "4-Letter Word" is pretty rockin' though, even though it's yet another song about a girl who got it goin' awn. And for those of you who are wondering if they say the 4-letter word in question, they don't.

Collective Soul's "Shine" is okay but I wish they'd taken quicker to get to the increased tempo part. Many a bong must have been smoked to this, probably in the very studio where it was recorded. "American Life (In The Summertime)" by Francis Dunnery. It got to number 18, but I don't recall hearing it all that much. The guitar solo is pretty great, though. I'd forgotten about "I Believe" by Marcella Detroit, even though it reached number 10. Pretty good chorus, you'd think I would have remembered this.

"Black Hole Sun" is still Soundgarden's finest moment and I still can't forget their weird distorted suburbia video for the song. Brilliant! I've also seen the black doughnut-like sculpture in Seattle that inspired the song. I can't believe Rage aired the video with a scene showing a woman clearly enjoying a massive vibrator. The '90s were like that, kids. Slacker anthems abounded. Speaking of which, it's followed by another alternative rock classic in Green Day's "Longview", the first song of theirs to chart. I'm surprised they didn't censor the swearing here!

"Tunnel" by The Screaming Jets is another song I'd never heard. It's got a brass section on it, which is pretty cool. Then it's some bloke called Jon Secada. It's alright. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders is the final song. I remember it was being used (in full) in a three-minute ad for an animal protection society, I forget which – and that's all I can think of now when I hear this tear-jerker. Be nice to animals, folks.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990"

 
Compilation: Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 7 – "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul, "U Can't Touch This By M.C. Hammer, "Epic" by Faith No More, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart, "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C., "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 11
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: None because I know all these songs like the back o' m'hand, young whippersnapper.

I remember when this compilation came out. I saw it being advertised on TV. But I didn't get it, probably because I already had Let's Do It 2. I should have though. This is as close to the best collection of the hits of 1990 as you'll ever get. It is very difficult to separate it from LDI2 however, as that wasn't a year-end retrospective, but it doesn't get much better than this.

The back cover very handily gives the chart stats for each track – each song's highest chart position and the date it got there, and how many weeks it spent in the charts (as at October 29, 1990). So if you read my little stats at the top there, you'll have worked out that every song on here either reached number 1 or made the top 10. The lowest chart position reached by any of these singles was number 5. Get the picture, sunshine?

These 18 songs are burned into my brain. I've mentioned this before, and if you've read a few of these reviews you're probably sick of reading about it, but 1990 was the year I started following the charts weekly and as such, I recall everything about them when I saw them on Rage. Now that doesn't mean I like all these songs. I like most of them, sure, but not all. "Joey" by Concrete Blonde for example is a painful dirge that should not have charted anywhere near the coveted number 2 position it reached, the track by Heart is ham-fisted dreck, and Absent Friends' "I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You" (how many times have I told these people NOT to use double negatives in song titles) is a ballad and you know how I feel about those.

But buying compilations – and I've got a few – means that you also have to hear songs you don't like. And that's okay, because they were still part of the musical landscape for that era and they bring back memories just as your favourite songs do. You might not want to listen to them more than once but don't tell me you can't remember the lyrics.

The actual CD is imprinted with the name Nothing Compares To The Best Of 1990, which makes me wonder if that was the original title. Or it could just be a misprint by a lackadaisical pressing plant employee. It could be one or the other. Maybe both. It's also too bad that the artist who did the detective comic-style cover is uncredited – in fact there are no liner notes whatsoever.

I'm not going to give my usual remarks on selected songs because you should know these songs by now. What, do I look like Wikipedia to you?? But seriously, if you haven't heard of any of the seven chart-toppers listed above then you are either born after 2000 or dead from the ankles up. Maybe both.

Never has a compilation album title been truer. And "Epic" is still one of the best things ever recorded.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Rating: 9/10