Ciao, ragazzi! It's that Eurovision time of year again! Three days of blinding stage lights, long-haired rocker dudes, singers in weird masks, and 2020s sad girls. This year's Eurovision Song Contest comes to you from the city of Torino, or Turin if you're a bit of a bore. Italy previously hosted the event in Napoli in 1965, and Rome in 1991. This time, the city of Fiat, The Italian Job, and burial shrouds of dubious provenance got its turn to play host.
Like last year I got up at idiot o'clock to see the final live, after watching semifinal 1 on streaming (dodgy) and semifinal 2 on TV the preceding two nights. It's a punishing schedule of Euro-viewing but someone's got to do it.
The first semifinal was somewhat disappointing. After the grandiose 2021 contest, the abstemiousness was evident in several understated entries – someone unkinder than I might say 'flaccid' – getting through to the final, while superior entries did not. Perhaps this is yet another side effect of the dreaded COVID. The second semifinal continued in a similar vein. I know, I'm hardly in a minority here. Everyone wants to see their favourite entries progress to the final. But come on. When Georgia and Denmark are overhauled by morose rubbish from The Netherlands and (particularly) Greece, how can you not get just a tad sceptical.
You see, when you reach the point in life when you start to become a jaded old cynic – which typically happens when your age begins with the number 4 (and boy, are those 400 year olds as cynical as they come) – you really couldn't give a toss when some singer half your age wants to vent their feelings about how tough life is (Greece and The Netherlands again). You just want to yank them off stage from behind the curtain with a hooked stick.
It wasn't all bad news though – my favourite entries from each semifinal, Moldova and Serbia, made it through. Both of these were unconventional songs, Serbia's being just plain weird. But you should know by now that 'weird' always ranks very highly in my book, especially at Eurovision. It was titled "In Corpore Sano" and was kind of a spiritual successor to the almighty "Shum", Go_A's 2021 entry from Ukraine (stylistically, if not thematically).
On to the final. And yes, I have to mention it.
Now of course, there has been a pall of unease hanging over Eurovision proceedings for nearly three months. The atrocities taking place in Ukraine could not go unacknowledged. Following the Russian invasion several broadcasters called for Russia to be removed from participation, which it was, as well as from the European Broadcasting Union itself. This means Russia has lost broadcasting and participation rights for the foreseeable future (as far as I know).
In a similar vein Belarus was out, too. They received a three-year ban from the EBU for their broadcaster being used as a propaganda tool. The other no-shows were for the same reasons as in previous years: Liechtenstein (not enough money), Bosnia-Herzegovina (ditto), Andorra (stuffing around), Turkey (still fiddle-faddling) and Luxembourg (who the hell knows).
In one sense I'd like to think of this situation as the Eurovision family banding together when one of its brothers is being bullied and attacked, but of course it's infinitely more complicated than that.
If you read my wrap-up of the 2021 Eurovision you'll note that one thing stands out in my list of observations and that's Russia and Ukraine conspicuously not awarding any points to each other during the final jury vote. We will never know how many points the Russian jury would have awarded Ukraine had they been able to participate. As it was, Ukraine's entry, a folk-rap group called Kalush Orchestra were able to perform their upbeat but melancholy song "Stefania" with Russia absent. And so the big question was, would they receive enough sympathy votes to win the contest?
Well, of course they would!
I was pleased to see the United Kingdom come 2nd after a seemingly interminable run of lousy results. They also came 2nd in 1998, the year I started watching Eurovision, but since then it's been nearly always a disappointing result. They came last in 2003, 2008, 2010, 2019 and 2021, and the bottom five another six times since then. Needless to say (but I will anyway) this was a bloody long time coming. In fact, Sam Ryder and his song "Space Man" was on top of the voting tally after the jury vote phase, but was knocked off the top spot by Ukraine who got 439 votes in the televoting phase (which incidentally is the highest number of televotes ever given out).
I'm not sure if this number of votes was a collective "up yours" to Putin, a show of support for Ukraine, a genuine love of "Stefania", or a love of furry pink bucket hats. But as I suspect – maybe all of the above.
But kudos to Sam Ryder! Makes yer proud to be British, it do.
Special mention must also go to Spain, the country with the longest winning drought, who came 3rd. That's their best result since I started watching in 1998, and they've come last twice and placed in the bottom five 10 (!) times since then. Needless to say (but I will anyway) this was a bloody long time coming. Makes yer proud to be a Spaniard, it do. Not that I am. But I would be if I was.
Well, there's not much else to say except to wheel out my ESC stats map once again, and since just like last year no country improved on its best result, there wasn't a whole lot to amend – so I changed the typeface which hopefully improves its legibility.
Any trivia? Well apart from the UK and Spain getting their best results since the '90s, it was the first time none of the songs were in French. Belgium and Switzerland didn't use it, and the French themselves sung their song in Breton. I think it's also the first time Latin has been used as well. Take that, antiquated linguistic hegemony!!
Oh yeah, and I'm glad I got up at 5am to see it live for another reason: you don't get all those unfunny tweets and Tiktok videos between the songs. (See previous remark about age starting with 4)
Arrivederci!
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