Compilation Album Review: "U Can't Touch This"

Compilation: U Can't Touch This
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 5 — "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer, "Blaze Of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi, "Epic" by Faith No More, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C. , "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "Colour Of Money" by Ray Lyell And The Storm – well, it was the only song here I hadn't heard yet.

This is the first addition to my retro comp collection to be acquired via eBay. I believe it's the only compilation to use the title of one of the songs on it – and that song is the first track, as you'd expect. It's one of a massive five number 1s on offer here! Naturally, and given I'm a huge fan of Faith No More, "Epic" is the best. No idea why they put it as track 11 – heads should roll over that one. I'm deducting a point for it! Instead, the mediocre dirge "Joey" by Concrete Blonde – a completely atrocious song – was picked for the coveted track 2 position. Bah!

Not to worry – you can skip it and head for one of the other highlights, M.C. Hammer or Young M.C. perhaps, or the cheesy yet fun "Turtle Power" by Partners In Kryme. If you ever want to hear a movie's plotline recounted in a rap, this is the track for you.

Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" really grated on me after a while. Also, it knocked Aerosmith's "Janie's Got A Gun" off number 1 after only a week, so that's another point against it. Her follow-up "The Emperor's New Clothes", while not as big a hit (but who could match that), was much better, and that's the one that's on here. You want sappy ballads, go for Roxette.

But the special Cheeseariffic Cheeseballeroid Award MUST go to Tina Arena whose "The Machine's Breaking Down" features some of the most idiotic lyrics ever written. It didn't make the top 20, and deservedly so. It also ensured she wouldn't make it to the top 5 for another four years. But hey, we're all human, yeah?

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits '92/Volume 3"

 

Compilation: 100% Hits '92 Volume 3
Released: 1992 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 3 – "Let's Talk About Sex" by Salt N' Pepa, "Saltwater" by Julian Lennon, "Love You Right" by Euphoria
Other top ten singles: 3
Best track: "Love you Right" by Euphoria
Hidden gem: "Pandora's Box" by O.M.D.

Confusing title out of the way first: coming out at the tail end of 1992, this is 100% Hits '92, but it's also the 3rd volume of the series, so it's also 100% Hits Volume 3, so by your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! Er, I mean, 100% Hits '92 Volume 3. Got it now? No? Tough.

With the above mentioned three number ones – a safe-sex rap, an environmentally-aware ballad and an unexpected Australian dance track – there's some strong chart performers on here alongside some lesser-known, but still great, dance tracks of the day. I really like "Peace" by Sabrina Johnston, and I wish it had made the top 20. "Do Anything" by Natural Selection also didn't get anywhere near the top but is still good fun. 

There's some feel-good stuff here in UB40's "Kingston Town" and Ce Ce Peniston's "Finally", and the Spandau Ballet-sampling "Set Adrift On Memory Bliss" by PM Dawn is also good despite those guys being notorious sad-sack wussbags. Marky Mark's follow-up to "Good Vibrations", a Lou Reed-sampling rap, "Wildside" is also not bad, if only for use of the term "gang bangers". "Lovesick" by Gang Starr closes out the set, though I'm not sure why as it also appeared on the previous volume. Something of an oversight on the part of the compilers it would seem.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 16"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 16
Released: 1995 – PolyGram
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 4
Best track: "Everything Zen" by Bush
Hidden gem: "Gel" by Collective Soul

Whoever compiled this one was on drugs. There, I said it.

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing; it can lead to some rather, shall I say, unconventional track sequencing. There are no number one hits here, and out of the first six tracks, five of them are  instrumental dance tracks (with only sampled vocals). What was going on here? Did the compilers envision this as largely a dance party album? I'd really like to know.

Speaking of those six dance tracks that Volume 16 starts with – number 11 hit "The Bomb!" by The Bucketheads is easily the best of the bunch, followed by "Speed" by Alpha Team, although the mix I'm familiar with (the one used in the music video) isn't the one that's used here. "You Belong To Me" by JX is pretty good, although those sampled vocals get on my nerves. And another one of the six is Clock's version of "Axel F", which leaves out the jazzier B-section of Harold Faltermeyer's original, but is still an okay version. It came ten years after the original and ten years before that fucking awful Crazy Frog version which helped kill it stone dead. Thanks a lot, primitive ringtone culture.

There's a bunch of other weird stuff – I thought Janet Jackson's "Whoops Now" was a hidden track at the end of the janet album. What's it doing here? Was it released as a single or what? Looks like it was, although who the hell knows why, it's twee rubbish. Sorry Janet, but it is. "Let It Rain" by East 17 made the top 15 here, but it's hardly one of their best tunes. There's the obligatory wussy Boyz II Men slow jam™, a track from Joshua Kadison that sounds like an '80s American soap's end credits music, and Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" which I would probably like if it wasn't by Sheryl Crow.

"Sukiyaki" by 4PM, which reached number 3, is also here. Why the hell is it called that, you may ask. It's actually a cover of a great '60s Japanese tune called "Ue O Muite Arukou" (which means something like "walking looking up") by Kyu Sakamoto. I hate hearing it being referred to as "Sukiyaki", but it had been for decades. And 4PM just kept that title even though they substituted all their own lyrics which don't equate to the meaning of the Japanese lyrics in any way.

As you can see I chose "Gel" for the hidden gem, a pretty rockin' tune I hadn't heard before, but I almost chose "Funtime" by Boy George, and I would never have guessed this was one of his songs without the track info. Like the compilers, this song sounds like it was conceived (and recorded) in a druggéd stupor. Not that it's a bad song, it actually isn't, and it has a mega-weird ending, which only furthers the bizarreness on display here.

But it's not all bad! Down the back end of the tracklisting, where all the shifty weirdos hang out, Tumbleweed bong on once again with a pretty cool tune called "Hang Around", Max Sharam's "Be Firm", while not as good as "Coma", has a nice piano solo, and Bush closes the album with their 'grunge'™ debut single which I've picked as the best on offer here (although Duran Duran's "White Lines" came close).

I'd also like to make mention of "When I Was A Sperm" by Master Wel (chart peak: number 26), a thought-provoking listen, but its subject matter probably precluded chart success in those innocent days of 1995. It's too bad there aren't more songs these days like that.

Kids: say no to drugs.

Rating: 4/10

Compilation Album Review: "Beat The Heat"

Compilation: Beat The Heat
Released: 1990 –Warner Music
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 — "Groove Is In The Heart" by Deee-Lite
Other top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Groove Is In The Heart" by Deee-Lite
Hidden gem: None, guv'!

Here we have the third addition to my little compilation collection from the early '90s. Beat The Heat – so named because it came out at the end of 1990 during the summer. These are all songs from the tail-end of my last year of primary school, most of which I had taped off Rage onto an audio cassette using a weird audio output cable connected to my family's fake-wood panelled Mitsubishi TV, probably with a glass of Koola Lime cordial within easy reach.

Two of the biggest names in Oz Rok™ at the time are on here – INXS, coming back for the first time since all that Kick bizzo with "Suicide Blonde", and John Farnham, coming back for the first time with "Chain Reaction" since all that Whispering Jack bizzo. One was a raucous harmonica-infused track about some woman and the other was a more understated acoustic-rock outing. You can figure out which is which. What, I look like the frig'n Wikipedia to you??

Deee-Lite are easily the best of the bunch, but there was a rapper straight outta the UK with her first solo single "Doin' The Do". Betty Boo didn't have the longevity as some might have hoped but actually she was a force to be reckoned with with this one. Still a guilty pleasure after all these years, as is Snap!'s massive second single "Ooops Up", chart peak number 4, still an absolute smash. Another essential inclusion is Technotronic's "Megamix", still the best of the megamixes put out during this period (Snap!, Paula Abdul, Bobby Brown, Black Box and a couple of others). It was definitely the best performer chart-wise (number 13).

For those people who like their music thoughtful, introspective with a dash of melancholy, and powerful yet understated, there's "Cherry Pie" by Warrant. Tawdry rubbish, or fratboy party anthem? Hey, can't it be both?

Doctors recommend your eardrums must only be subjected to one song by Taylor Dayne. I'd choose the one that's on here, my favourite song by her, "I'll Be Your Shelter". The singles reviewer at Smash Hits at the time hated it, I have no idea why. And speaking of said pop mag, you not only get New Kids On The Block to finish with, but that godawful duet between Donnie Wahlberg and Seiko! And it's before "Megamix" in the tracklisting! A point off for that!

Rating: 6/10

An Early Morning Sight

What is this? When I saw it, early this morning, it freaked me out – that's for sure. I have a good view of Melbourne city from the front steps of my house, and you often see hot-air balloons soaring over the suburbs early on some mornings. This insanely-grinning company mascot however, was a sight I had never before seen.

Still, I had to draw it. Photos don't do it justice.