A Cartoon Portrait Of Me

Nobody's ever drawn me in cartoon form before, until now! That dubious honour has fallen to Steve Carter and Antoinette Rydyr, better known as SCAR. Whaddya think, did they capture the real me?

Of course they did. But having said that, the sittings for these portraits were quite difficult. I've still got a headache from having the barrel of a tommy gun rammed through my skull. I think you'll agree though that the results were worth it.

Thanks, Ant and Steve. You can see more of their horror, sci-fi and bizarro work at www.weirdwildart.com. Click that link, I flippin' dare ya.

Compilation Album Review: "Raiders Of The Pop Charts" (UK)

  

Compilation: Raiders Of The Pop Charts
Released: 1982 – Ronco
Number of tracks: 15
Number one singles: 1* – "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" by Culture Club
Other top ten singles: 6*
Best track: "Mickey" by Toni Basil
Hidden gem: "Best Years Of Our Lives" by Modern Romance

(*Since this is a UK compilation, the above info relates to the songs' performances on the British charts.)

Here's another compilation on vinyl bought from the excellent Waverley Antiques Bazaar, which I first heard about from someone in Bendigo last July, despite living in this part of Melbourne for nearly 16 years — and which I inexplicably only got round to visiting for the first time, today! I must say I'll be a regular customer there from now on, as it's only a ten minute drive from where I live. (And I can skive off there after work! Bargain!)

Now, I said I would only be buying Australian compilations, and this is clearly a British one, so why make the exception? Is there a song on it I just had to have? No. Three reasons really: (a) It only cost five bucks; (2) I had actually heard of it before when researching the history of compilations — I mentioned it in the very first compilation review I did on this blog; and (D) how could I pass it up with a title like that?

You can see for yourself the cover art with 'Indiana Jones', or 'Illinois Evans' if you will, on the cover there. Also notice the 'Part 1', indicating there is a second record paired with this release. The same stall I got it from also had Part 2, but I passed it up, not recognizing a single song on it. 

I'm fully aware that since these songs charted primarily in the UK, I won't have heard of most of them — but really, I was living in the UK when this was released. I was only four at the time. Even so I have not heard of most of these acts in the intervening 38 years. I mean, Haircut 100? Raw Silk? Tight Fit? Incantation? Fat Larry's Band??? Never 'eard of 'em, guv'!

Anyway, the songs! It starts with "Our House" by Madness which here in Australia is currently known as the re-worded jingle for a nationwide chain of pharmacies. I'm guessing they chose it primarily because it has the word 'house' in the title, much like said pharmacies. Other songs they rejected or couldn't get the rights to: "I'll House You", "Doctorin' The House", "House Of Love" and even Madness' own "House Of Fun". Note to advertising agencies: write your own jingles, stop being creatively braindead, and keep your grubby hands off the songs of my youth, you bastards!

I'd never heard of Modern Romance — pretty dumb band name if'n ya ask me — but "Best Years Of Our Lives" is a fun, reggae-tinged song. It still sounds good — you'd think I would have heard it at least once on the radio or seen the video through all my years of watching Rage, but no, 'twas not to be. I had to wait until the Year of Our Lord Twenty Twenty-one to hear it for the first time. It's good, slightly cheesy fun! And that's what '80s music should be, peeps.

Haircut 100. Another dodgy name. The UK has come up with some of the best band names I've ever heard, XTC and Ultravox among them, but I cannot count this as one. What does that even mean? "Love Plus One" is a good'un, mind. S'a grower not a shower. Snigger snigger.

"Theme From Harry's Game" is a song I had definitely heard before somewhere — which precludes it from being my 'hidden gem' on here — but I've racked me brains (took about five seconds) and I cannot remember where I heard it. Not on the radio, not on a music video show, and definitely not from watching the TV show whence it came — what, ya think I was watchin' gritty British urban dramas when I wasn't even able to tie my shoelaces? (And I've barely mastered it now!)

It's a great song though, reaching number 5 on the UK charts — a haunting, perfectly-harmonized a capella vocal which I assumed meant something incredibly weighty when translated from Irish. I thought maybe the chorus was in English: "Long long ago, far away" — that's my 'mondegreen' of it. Not even close. As it 'appens, guv'nor, the actual lyrics are "Fol lol the doh/fol the day". WHAT???

There's some weird stuff on here. A novelty Scottish cover of the '50s song "Rawhide" which didn't chart (not exactly raiding the pop charts there, eh?), followed by a panpipe instrumental called "Cacharpaya" which sounds like a South American folk song. At first I'd say this is absurd filler, but at least it puts some cultural variation into what's on offer here. 15 tracks of synth-pop and drum machines would be pretty boring, yeah?

The Pretenders' "Back On The Chain Gang" has that reggae bass previously exhibited by Modern Romance, then Japan (see what I mean about the band names?) follow with a melancholy piano waltz. A bit more genre diversity for you there. Oh and I recognize the female vocal on Raw Silk's "Do It To The Music" — a single line of it was sampled for the mega-ace Megabass album in 1990.

Toni Basil finishes off this album with the all-conquering "Mickey", which just missed out on the number 1 spot in the UK, kept off the top by Tight Fit (though not the song by them that's on here). "Mickey", despite it being a cover, IS the '80s. This track should have come first, but maybe they saved the best for last.

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "Thru The Roof '83"

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Compilation Album Review: "Can't Beat The Music Volume 1"

 

Compilation: Can't Beat The Music Vol. 1
Released: 1992 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Other top ten singles: 5
Best track: "The Globe" by Big Audio Dynamite II
Hidden gem: "Once Bitten Twice Shy" by The Angels

One last whip 'round the op shops for 2020 and I managed to find this first volume in the three-volume Can't Beat The Music series from 1992. Interestingly, unlike the long-running 100% Hits and Hit Machine serieseseseses, this one says Vol. 1 on the cover in anticipation of there being a follow-up. I found Volume 2 way back in July 2017, so this has been a long time coming!

There aren't any numero uno singles on this disc, probably due to some dreary song staying forever at number 1 (a certain lame-o 'bootscooting' song springs to mind), but it opens strongly with its best track "The Globe" and then its second-best track "Justified And Ancient" by The KLF feat. Tammy Wynette. "The Globe" was an ace follow-up to "Rush" and has a definite British 'rave' flavour, and it's the long album version that appears here, not the single edit.

As for "Justified And Ancient", when I was 14 I didn't fully appreciate how truly bonkers this was! I mean, I knew it was odd for a British rave/dance act recruiting country music legend Tammy Wynette (who was 49 at the time) to sing quaint and bizarre lyrics on a remade version of the song, but didn't give it too much more thought. I often wondered if Tammy wrote the lyrics that she sings ("They said 'Tammy, stand by the JAMs'" would tend to suggest she did, but she is not credited as one of the songwriters). You can kind of tell that she's probably thinking 'What the hell am I singing' when she gets to the line "All bound for Mu Mu land". But I think you'll agree, the pop world of 1992 was all the better off because she agreed to do it.

The tracks that follow this are good — Rozalla's house anthem "Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)" and "Mustang Sally" by The Commitments, a song that seemed to be everywhere in '92 (one of my school bands played it all the time) so I was surprised it only reached number 43 on the charts.

Between those two songs is one I had no recollection of, despite it charting at number 12: "Pride (In The Name Of Love) by Clivillés & Cole. I remembered that they did this U2 cover but when it started to play, I couldn't identify it. It's bleep-pop opening intro sounds cool though — sorry to say I had no recollection of it, and I was a fan of C+C Music Factory! Speaking of whom, there's a song by them on here — their fourth single which has a long title.

"One Word" by Baby Animals, my favourite song by them, still sounds good and probably gets a lot of airplay on Oz Rok™ FM stations today; it deserved to go top 10, which it didn't. None of Baby Animals' singles did, but this came the closest, at number 15.

Then we get to "Word Is Out" by Kylie Mole. Minogue, I mean. I like the piano house backing, reminiscent of Black Box's "Hold On" and "Open Your Eyes", and "Keep The Groovin'" (the Round 4 music in Streets Of Rage), but ho hum, it ain't one of her most memorable songs. But she's a prostitute in the music video, so there's that. This is followed by Naughty By Nature's "O.P.P.", which cleverly avoids saying "pussy" or "penis" in the lyrics — if this was released in 2020 those would be the only lyrics, such is the crudity and vulgarity which doth prevail these days.

The remaining tracks (George & Elton, Dannii, Farnsey, Dezzzzz'ree, New Skids On My Jocks) don't exactly light my lemon, although it's a pleasant surprise to see perv-pop gem "Crucified" by Army Of Lovers on here. It almost made the Australian top 50, so I wouldn't think many buyers of this album would have heard of it, but it's a worthy addition to this set.

Rating: 7/10

Compilation Album Review: "Hit Machine 10"

 

Compilation: Hit Machine 10
Released: 1995 – Columbia
Number of tracks: 20
Number one singles: None
Other top ten singles: 8
Best track: "Excalibur" by F.C.B.
Hidden gem: "You Gotta Know" by Supergroove

Righto, it's the tenth installment of the Hit Machine series which had proved itself a serious rival to the dominant 100% Hits series. What will they serve up this time? Why, whatever was in the charts in the latter half of 1995, silly.

It starts with "Shy Guy" by Diana Young, a number 3 hit which I think got a boost in popularity from Bad Boys. That annoying 'reggae' type of singing was everywhere in 1993 and two years later it was still lingering on as far as the ARIA charts were concerned. Irie, mon. (What?)

Next up is The Real McCoy and their heartfelt ballad "Love And Devotion". Nothing says sensitivity and sentimentality than a deep-voiced dude intoning over house synths, right SNAGs? And then we've got "U Sure Do" by Strike which sounds decent but the vocals in the verses are buried so low in the mix they are practically inaudible. I get that they're sampled from somewhere, but still, I have no idea how this got released without having this mixing error corrected. Unless it's not an error, in which case, you're crazy!

"Forever Young". You know the song, and you hate its stupid lyrics. So does everyone else who ever existed. I don't know who wrote it, and I don't much care, but some European outfit called "Interactive" give it a techno workout. For years I thought they were singing "Why don't you be forever young" instead of "I want to be forever young". There's a great moment at the end of the video where the singer performing on stage suddenly turns into a little kid. He steps off the stage and the crowd part to let him out. For some reason he then exits out the back of the venue, puts on some sunglasses, and nothing happens after that. If you know what that was meant to mean, let me know, because that has always bugged me. It's been a quarter of a century, man!

Track 5, the mighty "Excalibur" by F.C.B. (which I thought stood for "Fortuna – Carmina Burana" for a long time – it actually stands for the initials of the guys who produced it), one of the best tracks of 1995 and a number 2 hit. This thing just demands to be played loud, 25 years later and it's still brilliant.

I was in Year 12 when this all came out, and my schoolmates used to occasionally shout out "Mister Magoo! You may be blin' but I can still see you!" WTF? This is of course the opening line to Herbie's "Right Type Of Mood", and it makes no sense (the song features some pretty dumb lyrics it has to be said) but it's a fun little tune even if nobody ever heard from 'Herbie' again. Let's just see if he's still alive...checking Wikipedia...yeah, he is.

"Try Me Out" is not one of Corona's best efforts and is decidedly inferior to "The Rhythm Of The Night" and (especially) "Baby Baby". Meh. Next up it's "Don't Give Me Your Life", number 13 hit and dancefloor banger from Alex Party! Yeah! Only they've used a remix of the song ("Dancing Divaz Edit"), and while it has some nice pianner chords, it's not a patch on the original mix. A bit of a disappointment, but the inclusion of remixes show they were at least trying to do something different.

M-People and A.K. Soul are next up with some fair-to-middling dance tracks, then it's Christine Anu's "Party". I think Channel 10 were using it for a station promo at one point, it was getting a lot of airplay, so I think it should have got higher than number 20 in the charts. It's just a fun song that reminds me of my final year of high school. It's also one of 6 tracks on here that also appear on Smash Hits '95. And speaking of which, they both end with the same track: The Steppers' "Alice, Who The F..k Is Alice?" which I assume is the reason for the "offensive language" warning on the cover, but it's the 'bleeped' version (which I think is funnier than the uncensored one).

(By the way, the overlap with the tracklisting of Smash Hits 95 is probably due to it being released by Sony, one of the record companies that also contributed to Hit Machine).

You can't get more bang for your 27 bucks (from memory that's typically how much CDs cost in 1995) with the runtime of this set – it clocks it at a disc-busting 78 minutes and 47 seconds! You can't get much more music than that. Kudos to the compilers – but you should've used the original mix of the Alex Party track!

RIP, Scatman John.

Rating: 7/10