Every marker pen in the existence of mankind

 
Marker pens! Good golly do I ever love markers. And I've used all of them. Every single one. This is not an exaggeration. Every brand, every colour, every tip width – from the top Japanese pen manufacturers to the generic cheapo ones you get from Crazy Clark's in the crime-ridden Home Town centre (is that still there?).

My love for markers started in the mid-'80s as a little kid in London, when my uncle gave me one to draw with. I still remember sitting at the top of the stairs, drawing on paper that the ink soaked straight through. The pen was painted black with 'PENTEL PEN' in silver lettering, as you see below (Vintage 1970s Pentel Pen, 9G model, taken from blackisbeautiful.ca). The empire, long divided, must unite; long united, it must divide. Thus has it ever been. PENTEL PEN is law. PENTEL PEN is sacrosanct.

Whenever I draw with one of those black beauties (which admittedly hasn't been too often between 1984 and now), I feel like I am flying high above the clouds on the back of a condor made of marshmallow and bees. Or maybe that's just the effect of the xylene fumes.

But where I really am is sitting at the top of the steps in 65A Temple Road, Cricklewood.

When I started drawing black-and-white comics in the '90s on – old fart alert – actual pen and paper, I used markers all the time, because several of my characters had black hair and whatnot. So, each page was an inky mess as you might imagine. And over the years I built up quite a collection of permanent markers. Anyway, as you can see, I've rounded up no less than fourteen examples for your perusal. Some of them are quite old and probably no longer in production, but at least they're now xylene free!

Looking at the photo at left, I'll start with the one at the top, which is the Zebra Mckee [sic], made in Japan. I didn't actually buy this one. Not too many people know this, but if you go to Japan to teach English, you get several of these for free. They materialize out of nowhere, usually in the vicinity of your school's staffroom. It is double-ended, with both a fineliner and slightly broader tip. Hard-working and useful, much like the J—no! Must resist the temptation to make broad generalizations.

Next is the Sanford Sharpie, American made. What more can I say? Its very name is used as a generic term for marker pen by Americans, and therefore, everyone else in the world. It's pretty good, I s'pose.

Next we have the Artline 700, made by Shakuhachi, sorry, Shachihata of Giappon. A neat little fineline permanent marker. Below that is the Artline 70 with bullet tip. It's a benchmark marker. A benchmarker, if you will. I'm not sure why they made the barrel yellow. But it is 'HIGH PERFORMANCE' as it says, with a solid black that doesn't fade. I've still got comics I drew in 1998 that I used this on, and while most of the drawings have become ghosts, the Artline ink remains. Shachihata-sama-tachi, I bow respectfully in your general direction.

The one with the yellow cap is the Pilot Super Color Marker (Japan uses American spelling, otherwise I'd have put a 'u' in there sharpish). B for Broad, with a chisel tip. This pen is around 25 years old yet I used it in a drawing only two days ago, so that speaks to its longevity. Although yellow markers don't get a lot of use around here.

Next is the Sakura Pen-Touch. I don't know much about the Honourable Sakura Pen Manufacturing Concern of Ibaraki and Gunma Prefectures (not their real name), but this is the only pen by them I used. It has a fine tip (as in not broad), and can't really match the Artline 70 in robustness, I fear. Its ink is also not as indelible. It's rather delible, actually. It can be delibbed.

The Big Wally at the bottom is the bullet-pointed Bic Permament Marker, which as you might guess is made in France. Unlike the Sakura, it is low odour. A design feature unique to it is the little plastic protuberance at the end of the barrel which prevents it rolling around on the table. Very handy if you take it with you on the high seas.

Clearly coming from the POCKY and CRUNKY school of Japanese nomenclature is the chisel-tipped Uni PROCKEY from the Mitsubishi Pencil Co. They make cars, they make televisions, and they make some fine stationery as well! I don't know what ink they use but it soaks through the paper, through the desk you're writing on, through to the floor and under the carpet as well. 

The Artline 170, like the other Artlines, is made in Malaysia. Here we have a substantially chunkier barrel, good for solid blacks, shadowing and bold pen strokes. It's an all-rounder and packs a punch. Apparently it can be left with the cap off for two weeks and not dry out. I've never tried this – I always put the caps back on. What do you take me for, a savage?

Remember the Zebra Mckee? Well here we have its beefed-up upgraded model, the Hi-Mckee. This time we have a medium bullet tip at one end and a chisel tip at the other. Serves all your double-ended marking needs. English teachers in Japan must ascend to the rank of ichi-dan no eigo no sensei before the Prefectural Board will even entertain supplying them with one of these. (Don't ask where I got this one.)

The remaining four pens are whiteboard markers in red and blue ink, so your mileage will vary if you choose to use them for drawing on paper. Incidentally, the ones pictured above were all salvaged by me in December 1993, just before going home on the last day of Year 10, where I found them on the lawn after they were turfed out the door by some teacher doing an end-of-year cleanup.

Mitsubishi's Uni Easyrase was probably the widest-used by the teachers at my school – there were usually at least two of them in every classroom. The Artline 500 was used very infrequently, surprising given the success of the 70 model; and then second-most popular was the uncouthly-titled Pilot Wytebord Marker. Finally, showing that they knew how to spell, the Pentel White Board Marker with its chunky octagonal barrel, was mainly used by my classmates to draw 'swirls' on the rotating hubs of the ceiling fans.

Well, thanks for taking this long and pointless ramble with me down amnesia lane. Now go do some drawing and remember: the marker pen is mightier than the pen!
 

Old Ads and Car Colours

Do you remember when cars were painted bright, unusual colours? I sure do. As a little kid in England in the early 1980s, the bleak climate and greyish urbanized infrastructure was contrasted nicely by the warm tones and hues of the cars that trundled along the roads. Not that I made this observation at the time, of course. What, you expected me to draw mental parallels between the climate, car colours and the national mood when I'd barely started school? Are you crazy or something? But I digress. It was almost as if car manufacturers decided to brighten dull landscapes by making their cars stand out against them, rather than just metal boxes you sat in to get from 'A' to the dole office.

Take a look at this British motoring magazine, rather unambiguously titled Motor, from June 1976. Now I hadn't been born at that time, but the cars you see above were typical of what was being driven around England when I was a kid.

Phwooarr, get a load o' that son. That's what I'd probably call an autumn palette (June isn't exactly autumn, but whatever): moss green, olive green, a sort of sunburnt orange...those were great colours! Nice and vibrant. Now, you're probably thinking if all car colours stood out then none of them did, right? Well, colours like these were contrasted by the older cars in subtle pastel shades. In the '80s it was still common to see 1950s cars (and older) still pressed into service and still in use.

The cover stars of this February 1972 issue of Auto Car feature in burgundy and metallic blue, two very popular colours at one time. You could expect to see cars in just about every colour in England, but it was said that the least popular colour was brown. (Hey, what's wrong with brown, eh?) You would supposedly have more trouble trying to sell a brown car than any other colour, because it was seen as an old man's car colour. Brown is also the least popular car colour in Australia. And yet my dad's first car in England was a chocolate-brown Ford Cortina, and his first car in Australia was a tan brown Ford Cortina. So there you go.

Fast forward four decades, now to Melbourne. Here is the view from the food court — sorry, the food gallery — of The Glen shopping centre in Glen Waverley.

Rather uninspiring, isn't it? No, not Springvale Road, though that certainly has its critics. I'm talking about the uninspiring array of car colours you see there. It seems that these days, cars and vans come in nothing other than black, white, grey, red and blue. The bog-standard basics. Boring. Dull. Listless. Apathetic. There's nothing wrong with these colours, but the palette surely couldn't be limited and constrained more than this. 2020s Melbourne has several similarities with 1980s England, but I wish they'd copied their car colours as well. If you lament the demise of variety in car colours too, let me know in the comments.

Oh, and I promised you old ads, so here's one out of the above issue of Auto Car. It follows the usual 1980s trend of paragraphs of text to read through, but it also features this product shot of ye olde smug Triumph owner pulling into a service station to collect his petrol stamps. Though I think he's collecting more than just stamps here if you know what I mean, and I think you do. If you can figure out what transaction is taking place in this picture, put your answer on a postcard and send it to me at the address given in the ad, no later than March 1972.

Compilation Album Review: "Smash Hits '90"

Compilation: Smash Hits '90
Released: 1990 – CBS
Number of tracks: 17
Number one singles: 1 – "Epic" by Faith No More
Other top ten singles: 10
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne

Ah, it's another Smash Hits compilation for my compilation shelf. Good-o. Not only was 1990 the year I started following the charts – as I've said 16 thousand times on this blog – but it was also the year I started reading Smash Hits. It only cost $1.98 at the time (which left me a grand total of two cents left over from my weekly pocket money), and although they put the price up to $2.25 soon after, it was still a bargain. Top 50 chart listings! Song lyrics! Posters! Amusing readers' letters! Pre-internet pop trivia like Craig McLachlan's dog's name (it was 'Bottom', the dirty sod!) Witty and sometimes absurd commentary on pop stars' shenanigans! This mag had it all. 

The songs on this album all bring back vivid memories of Year 7, my last year of primary school. And I was one of the few kids in my class who read it. So naturally I could recite up-to-the-minute chart info that made me seem like a guru to the other kids. Such as: "Black Betty" was an old song from the '70s, and M.C. Hammer was once in a Honda motorbike commercial, and stuff like that.

I paid $11.50 for this, which believe it or not, makes it the second-most expensive compilation CD out of the 63 I've collected so far! (Summer '89 tops that list at a wallet-busting $20.50.) But, you see, being the devotee of Smash Hits' compilations that I am, I had to have it. 

I should point out that a compilation of the same name was also released in the UK, so if you're searching for it online, don't get the two mixed up. Considering the rubbish that was in the UK charts in 1990, this is critical.

Unfortunately the CD booklet doesn't have the chart stats and facts that Smash Hits '89 had or the lyrics that Smash Hits '91 has. It just has photos of all the 17 artists featured. It's a bit disappointing there was no commentary from the mag itself, and as I recall it was advertised in every issue on release. My copy is stamped "Promotion Only – Not For Sale" though, so maybe they changed that.

The compilers have chosen to start with three rock tracks in "Lay Down Your Guns" by Jiminy Barnes, "Dogs Are Talking" by The Angels and Faith No More's epic, "Epic". This choice is rather unusual when you consider that Smash Hits '89 started with Indecent Obsession, Sinitta and Bros, and Smash Hits '91 with C+C Music Factory, Yothu Yindi and De La Soul. But hey, I'm not complaining. Rock on.

Barnesy is the one to kick-start this compilation with the usual throat-shredding you'd expect from him, then it kicks into a higher gear with "Dogs Are Talking", one of the first hard rock songs I heard (and which fell one place short of the top 10). I still like it, although I have no idea what "Dogs are talking" might mean. I thought it could be about gossiping! But the verses and the slightly naff spoken-word bit at the beginning makes it clear that the song is about some dude wanting to get his rocks off with a girl – that most unconventional subject matter for popular music.

"Epic" is still one of the best songs ever recorded. And it's also the only number 1 single on here. If they were going to pick one number 1 single to be on here, they could have picked "Vogue", or "Opposites Attract", or even "Nothing Compares 2 U", 1990's year-end chart-topper, but they went with "Epic". Top marks.

"Show No Mercy" by Mark Williams isn't a song I've really listened to in the intervening 31 years but it doesn't sound too bad. Ditto Belinda Carlisle and "Summer Rain", and The Chimes' cover of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". They're not bad, they just didn't really grab me in 1990. I heard them many a time from watching Rage, though. I didn't like "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne, I preferred the follow-up single "I'll Be Your Shelter" – and Smash Hits slammed it in their single reviews! It actually outcharted "Love Will Lead You Back" by 7 places, reaching number 4.

I don't mind "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli, with its lyrical theme of how you'd rather blame anyone else but yourself for your own mistakes. As for the not performing on the record thing, that isn't something I really think about, as sad as a story as it was, with the untimely death of one of the members. It does sound a bit tinny for a 1990 dance single, but that's part of its charm.

Boy, New Kids On The Block were bloody awful, weren't they? Every song of theirs had the same clunky drum machine and "Huh!" vocals with tons of echo applied. Absolute ham-fisted junk. But given their readership, they had to put a single by these idiots on. Following this is Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2's "Mona". One of the readers accused the magazine of being on his payroll because there was a poster of Craig in every issue. There was, though. Apart from maybe NKOTB, there were probably more posters of him than any other pop star in the mag in 1990.

The sadly departed Guru Josh and his ace rave-trance anthem "Infinity" is sandwiched between the two Minogue sisters. And what an absolute banger it still is. I never got to hear it in its proper nightclub context, but it's one of the highlights of 1990 music for me. The piano break, the sax, the synth chords – what a song.

As for Dannii and Kylie Minogue – absolute pap! "Love And Kisses" was one of the worst songs I'd ever heard. It still is. Dannii can't hold a tune at all, and as for her attempts to sound "black and funky" – and that's her own description of the song as quoted in Smash Hits – well let's just say Janet Jackson has nothing to worry about (come to think of it, she should be on here instead). As for Kylie, "Better The Devil You Know" is marginally better  – listening to it through headphones as I type this, I can hear house piano chords in there – but it's standard Stock Aitken Waterman fare. 

So, how about some chart stats trivia? Which song got higher on the charts, "Love And Kisses" or "Better The Devil You Know"? Give up? Well as it happens, they both reached the same position, number 4. But I regret to say that Kylie only held that position for one week, while Dannii managed three weeks there, as well as a longer chart run. Rats.

Oh man, I can't even listen to Concrete Blonde's "Joey", it's so turgid and depressing, and just plain crap. Sorry, but it is. I didn't think it was possible for a performer to have absolutely zero charisma but there you go.

Three songs from the end now and it's the only song on here I haven't heard, "All I Want To Do" by Scott Carne. Hey, I thought you know every song that charted in 1990, you big wazzock, you must be thinking. And I do! But this song didn't chart at all. I can't even remember Scott Carne being covered much in the pages of Smash Hits. I looked him up and he was the singer from '80s Melbourne band Kids In The Kitchen, so maybe teenagers older than me would know who he was. His song was about 'makin' lurve' and othersuch frivolous pursuits, which was of total disinterest to me at the age of 12. Next.

The slow ballad "Southern Sky" by Paul Norton is the penultimate track, and I read its lyrics printed in the mag before I heard the song itself. I'm not into ballads or anything patriotic either, but the opening lines kinda got my attention. They are "It was Australia Day 1985 / Nothin' much was going on then / Sittin' in the same old dives". I wasn't in Australia in 1985 but I'd say that rings true. Bored senseless by your own country's national day – I can relate to that!

"Escaping" by Margaret Urlich finishes the album. Again, not a song that really grabbed me in 1990. Perhaps listening to it through headphones as an adult might change my opinion. Let's see, I can hear what sounds like a cricket chirping. That's not a joke by the way, I can actually hear it in the mix, although it's probably synth-generated. It's an okay song I s'pose, with nice enough instrumentation. Musically it's much more layered and varied than the rubbish Dannii Minogue or NKOTB serve up. I guess it was too mid-tempo for most people, although it was her highest-charting single.

And now I'm 'escaping' this blog post – see ya!

Rating: 6/10

Compilation Album Review: "100% Hits Volume 13"

Compilation: 100% Hits Volume 13
Released: 1994 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: None
Top ten singles: 6
Best track: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Hidden gem: "4-Letter Word" by Chocolate Starfish

It's happened, friends. My quest to collect the first 18 volumes of the 100% Hits series has concluded. It's Volume Lucky 13. Or is it? There aren't really many songs that troubled the upper reaches of the charts on here. Still, low chart positions don't mean low quality. So let's take this one for a spin.

It starts with one of the worst novelty songs ever, "Absolutely Fabulous". It's credited to Absolutely Fabulous, that naff UK sitcom from the '90s, but it's ostensibly the Pet Shop Boys. Who cares. It sucks. I even listened to the whole thing to remind me of its irrevocable suckitude. Next.

"Son Of A Gun" by JX was a dance track I thought was really stupid when I first heard it – I couldn't believe a banger like "You Belong To Me" the following year was by the same 'group'! However it has grown on me. It's got this weird melancholy bit in the middle which jars with the upbeat hook of the song, which I can see taking out, to be honest.

Oh boy, 1994 was a big year for 'gangsta rap'. Which I'm not really into, but no matter. We've got Kulcha here with their usual schtick about some girl who "got it goin' awn". Whatever. Then Salt N' Pepa, who also get on my nerves, but "Heaven N' Hell" does have a couple of funny lines. Too bad whoever rapped the third voice will shred your eardrums. I'm not too interested in songs about life in the ghetto and how the "youth" will be "enlightened". I don't really care. What's next?

Oh, it's "Take Me Away", by D:Ream. It never charted, so I'd never heard this before. It's got a male and female vocalist, so that's a point in its favour. I like that in my '90s dance singles. It does sound a bit too much like M People for my liking, as in, the type of music you hear in clothing shops and whatnot. But it's got that house music wail in there, which was in a lot of '90s house tracks.

Apparently Joshua Kadison's soppy ballad "Jessie" is written about his break-up with 'actress' Sarah Jessica Parker. Oh lawd. Marcia Hines is next, with "Rain". This is years before she was a judge on some crappy music talent show so I had no idea who she was. The song's alright. Then we've got some enduring geriatrics in The Rolling Stones. "Love Is Strong" sounds like a blues bar ballad. Another song that didn't crack the top 40, so I never heard it. Thankfully The Sharp can rock it up after this with "Alone Like Me", although it's not my fave song by them (but it was the highest-charting).

Chocolate Starfish. Ergh. What a horrible band name. "4-Letter Word" is pretty rockin' though, even though it's yet another song about a girl who got it goin' awn. And for those of you who are wondering if they say the 4-letter word in question, they don't.

Collective Soul's "Shine" is okay but I wish they'd taken quicker to get to the increased tempo part. Many a bong must have been smoked to this, probably in the very studio where it was recorded. "American Life (In The Summertime)" by Francis Dunnery. It got to number 18, but I don't recall hearing it all that much. The guitar solo is pretty great, though. I'd forgotten about "I Believe" by Marcella Detroit, even though it reached number 10. Pretty good chorus, you'd think I would have remembered this.

"Black Hole Sun" is still Soundgarden's finest moment and I still can't forget their weird distorted suburbia video for the song. Brilliant! I've also seen the black doughnut-like sculpture in Seattle that inspired the song. I can't believe Rage aired the video with a scene showing a woman clearly enjoying a massive vibrator. The '90s were like that, kids. Slacker anthems abounded. Speaking of which, it's followed by another alternative rock classic in Green Day's "Longview", the first song of theirs to chart. I'm surprised they didn't censor the swearing here!

"Tunnel" by The Screaming Jets is another song I'd never heard. It's got a brass section on it, which is pretty cool. Then it's some bloke called Jon Secada. It's alright. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders is the final song. I remember it was being used (in full) in a three-minute ad for an animal protection society, I forget which – and that's all I can think of now when I hear this tear-jerker. Be nice to animals, folks.

Rating: 5/10

Compilation Album Review: "Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990"

 
Compilation: Nothing Compares...To The Hits Of 1990
Released: 1990 – EMI
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 7 – "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul, "U Can't Touch This By M.C. Hammer, "Epic" by Faith No More, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart, "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor, "Bust A Move" by Young M.C., "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette
Other top ten singles: 11
Best track: "Epic" by Faith No More
Hidden gem: None because I know all these songs like the back o' m'hand, young whippersnapper.

I remember when this compilation came out. I saw it being advertised on TV. But I didn't get it, probably because I already had Let's Do It 2. I should have though. This is as close to the best collection of the hits of 1990 as you'll ever get. It is very difficult to separate it from LDI2 however, as that wasn't a year-end retrospective, but it doesn't get much better than this.

The back cover very handily gives the chart stats for each track – each song's highest chart position and the date it got there, and how many weeks it spent in the charts (as at October 29, 1990). So if you read my little stats at the top there, you'll have worked out that every song on here either reached number 1 or made the top 10. The lowest chart position reached by any of these singles was number 5. Get the picture, sunshine?

These 18 songs are burned into my brain. I've mentioned this before, and if you've read a few of these reviews you're probably sick of reading about it, but 1990 was the year I started following the charts weekly and as such, I recall everything about them when I saw them on Rage. Now that doesn't mean I like all these songs. I like most of them, sure, but not all. "Joey" by Concrete Blonde for example is a painful dirge that should not have charted anywhere near the coveted number 2 position it reached, the track by Heart is ham-fisted dreck, and Absent Friends' "I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You" (how many times have I told these people NOT to use double negatives in song titles) is a ballad and you know how I feel about those.

But buying compilations – and I've got a few – means that you also have to hear songs you don't like. And that's okay, because they were still part of the musical landscape for that era and they bring back memories just as your favourite songs do. You might not want to listen to them more than once but don't tell me you can't remember the lyrics.

The actual CD is imprinted with the name Nothing Compares To The Best Of 1990, which makes me wonder if that was the original title. Or it could just be a misprint by a lackadaisical pressing plant employee. It could be one or the other. Maybe both. It's also too bad that the artist who did the detective comic-style cover is uncredited – in fact there are no liner notes whatsoever.

I'm not going to give my usual remarks on selected songs because you should know these songs by now. What, do I look like Wikipedia to you?? But seriously, if you haven't heard of any of the seven chart-toppers listed above then you are either born after 2000 or dead from the ankles up. Maybe both.

Never has a compilation album title been truer. And "Epic" is still one of the best things ever recorded.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Rating: 9/10