Just Sittin' On A Phone Box

While virtually walking around the village of Newhall in Staffordshire, England using Google Maps – as you do – where I lived as a child, I came across this little gem:

Yup, some dude sitting on top of a phone box on Darklands Road.

Who is this man? Did he see the Google Car coming and quickly climb up there? Or did he just happen to be sitting up there when he was captured on camera? Is sitting on phone boxes a common practice in England? And most importantly, does he know he's on Google Maps?

The internet is full of mysteries, innit, guv'?

Paint, Paint, Paint

I've been doing a fair bit of painting during the months of July and August 2013, and the Paintings page has now been updated with nine more pieces – bringing the total to 19! A few really old ones have been included as well, if you want to see how my painting skills have (not) improved over the last ten years.

I've now run out of canvas but the good news is a nice art supplies shop has opened in the next suburb, so I went down there today and got some matte gel – something I have never used before. Looking forward to trying it out!

Thanks to my cousin Dayle in Bombay who said: "Awesome...when did you do all this, it's awesome. Love the colour you used too. And are you going to put them on exhibition? Am sure people will love it."

There will be more...

1AA-1AA Land

Here is the Premier of the state of Victoria, one Dennis Napthine, placing a new number plate on some rich prat's car (possibly his own). "So what?" you may say. Well, the plate he is holding, 1AA-1AA, is the first in Victoria's new sequence of number plates.

The old three-letter, three-number sequence used by Victoria has come to an end and this new random one has begun. I'm not really a fan of it, to be honest. Things like 1QJ-8FW don't exactly roll off the tongue and there's not much logic to it. So it's pretty naff. And this sequence will likely run for decades. Sigh.

Pete Correy, Age 14

What's this? It's a new comic strip, that's what. It's called Pete Correy, Age 14 and for once the title needs no further explanation. It's done strictly with lineart only, with minimal shading and hand lettering, to speed up the production process. Very low-tech stuff, but that's how cartooning's gotta be sometimes. Enjoy this brief snippet of my teenage years!

Scenes From Hong Kong III

It is really two years to the day since my first Hong Kong photo post? Well, yes it is. Now I'm back from my second trip to Hong Kong, which was just as good as the first, with more snapshots of urban life to share with you. Enough talk, let's get started.

A typical, and dare I say iconic, sight of Hong Kong harbour: one of the many junks that regularly cross the waters. Their red sails are something that sets off the scenery, day or night.

It's Pikachu! In a shirt and tie on a Canon advertising poster! Well, I think it is, anyway. The makers of Pokemon might think otherwise.

It's nice to see old-fashioned signage on store fronts in 2013, given the short turnaround time some of these shops have. I also like the idea of there being a "knitting factory". Is it a big room full of old women, knitting all the garments, wrapping them up tight, and sending them off to the Lee Kung Man Knitting Factory (H.K.) Ltd.?

Note that the Chinese characters for "Lee Kung Man" are written right-to-left – something that isn't too common these days.  

"I Resurrect The Destructed", proclaims this oddly-grammared advertisement. Well so do I, but you don't hear me bragging about it.

More HK fun next post.

Hong Kong Paintings

I'm on holiday in Hong Kong and having a great time, but I've also been doing the occasional painting. Here are the three paintings I did while here – photographed via Photo Booth for that extra-distorto effect. What a good way to wrap up the 34th year of my life. When I get back home there'll be more stuff posted, including sketches and a photo bonanza!

"Immortality"

poster/acrylic on canvas 60x45cm 

"Junk"

acrylic on canvas board 25x20cm 

"Possession"

acrylic on canvas 45x60cm

Eurovision Infographic III

Here's my third annual Eurovision Song Contest stats map following the win by Denmark, their third,  in the 58th Contest, held in Malmö, Sweden. This is the second time Denmark has won immediately after Sweden!

If you saw my previous two maps for the 2011 ESC and 2012 ESC, you'll see this one looks similar. If you can't be bothered churning through the data, here are three stats of note. The number of countries singing in their native language was 17 (up from 12 last year), good to see; only one country sang in a mix of English and their native language, and only ONE country improved on its previous best result. This was San Marino, who placed 19th in the 2008 semifinal, 14th in last year's semifinal and 11th in this year's semifinal. Keep trying, San Marino. You should have been in the final this year.

Hope you enjoy checking out the map. Good job Sweden on hosting the event (great host too) And as I said after posting last year's Euro map – here's to not using Illustrator for another 12 months!

Top Ten Flashback: May 15, 1993

Join me once again, music fans, as I go back in time 20 years and see what Australia's top 10 singles were. This week was notable for me as one of my favourite bands hit number 1 for the second time. There was also a top 10 debut, a brother and sister both in the top 10, and two covers. Twenty years ago today I was 14 years old – it was the week ending Saturday, May 15, 1993. Got it sorted yet? Let's go.


10.  Southern Sons – "You Were There"

Hmmm, another ballad. This must have been off their second album, which went largely ignored on the charts. That doesn't mean it wasn't any good though, I just have no recollection of it.







9.  East 17 – "House Of Love"

I liked this song a lot and the dog motif worked well, but I can't help but laugh when watching the video 20 years later, mostly because of the idiotic dancing on display and those stupid hats. In East 17's defence, I'm sure they look back and cringe at this too, and have certainly moved on. Fun fact: East 17 were named after their London postcode, the area of which is Walthamstow, where I lived for the first year of my life.




8.  Arrested Development – "Mr. Wendal"

Third single by these guys. I liked them, they had something relevant to say without bashing you over the head with social consciousness. In 2014 I went to the Sydney Festival and they were performing a free show in the city, attended mostly by people who weren't even born when this single was released, to the exclusion of those actually old enough to remember it. Bummer.




7.  2 Unlimited – "No Limit"

"I'm makin' techno and I am proud". So you should be, mate. It was another monster hit for the Dutch duo, or foursome if you count the producers, which you ought to, of course. There would be one more top 10 single in Australia for them before the jig was up. Ostensibly filmed inside a pinball machine, the video could have been a bit more energetic, but I'm just nit-picking. I still like this one a lot.






6.  Michael Jackson – "Give In To Me"

Released during an era of his life which I'm sure he would rather forget, MJ nevertheless had another big hit. I quite liked it for its rockier sound, although I haven't heard it in 20 years.







 
5.  Peter Andre – "Gimme Little Sign"

I'll give you a sign, pal – it involves just one finger.








 
4.  Janet Jackson – "That's The Way Love Goes" ºº

Janet debuts at number 4, her first hit in ages. It was the lead single from the janet album and would have to stay here for two weeks before hitting the top for only one week, then being dethroned by Snow – who hadn't even shown up in the top 20 yet! Fairly low-key stuff here; I preferred later single "If".






3.  Ugly Kid Joe – "Cat's In The Cradle"

The first of two cover versions from yesteryear, this one came with a suitably creepy and typically early-'90s video, with weird random footage of dogs and swimming pools and stuff. A decent cover, for some reason Rage always used to cut the last 5 seconds of its video out. I could never figure out why. If you know, comment below and help ease my mental instability.






2.  Lenny Kravitz – "Are You Gonna Go My Way"

Come on, Leonard, it's "Are You Going To Go My Way", with a question mark at the end. Don't make me have to lecture you on proper grammar and punctuation. And don't think I didn't notice your missing apostrophe, Ugly Kid Joe.





1.  Faith No More – "Easy"

FNM seemed to have luck with four-letter titles starting with 'E', as this was their next – and so far, last – number one single in Australia after "Epic". It also continued their tradition of putting totally random crap on singles' cover artwork. Great cover and all that, but I never bought the single back in 1993. I should have. Why? Well, when Triple J did a J-Files special on Faith No More in 1997, they opened the show with "Das Schützenfest", one of the B-sides on this single. I turned on the radio too late to start my tape recording and missed the first two minutes of the song. Even though my crappy taped copy was half missing, I was addicted to the track, a weird polka soundalike sung in German. I had to have that song! From then on I scoured second hand shops for this single before finding it at the now sadly-defunct Compact Disc Library in Perth in 1998. And I played it really loud at uni in a lecture theatre and somehow didn't get into trouble. Happy days.

Ads From The Old Days – Part 2: Cookery

In this second post in this series looking back on old magazine ads, we look at these food, drink and cooking-related ads from the mid-1980s. All of these came from two issues of A La Carte, an up-market British cookery and gourmet magazine, one from 1985 and one from 1986.

I found these ads interesting because they had one thing in common. Back then, apparently, ad writers favoured lengthy copy. Sometimes whole pages full of paragraphs. Huge blocks of text for the shoulder-padded public to wade through. Perhaps in the '80s people had more time to peruse lengthy writings about each product. Perhaps ad writers now are just lazy and slap a web address in, figuring the potential customer will find out the product gen in their own time. Both theories have their adherents.

I've arranged the ads below in order from least to most wordy. The word count for each one is given. (Yes, I'm sad enough to count all the words.) Also the photos aren't great. What, you expect me to scan all these?

Only 32 words in this ad for a brandy-like drink but I included it purely for the photo of the couple at the bottom. This is how sophisticated people hooked up in the '80s, kids.

This bacon ad has only 95 words, quite brief for the '80s but still too verbose by today's standards. I only included it because it's worded in such a strange way. Perhaps bacon brought out the copywriter's poetic side?

95 words again, and they're all in French, which is unusual – or maybe the readership were assumed to be bilingual. Hey, it was 28 years ago, what do you want? I like the expression on the woman's face as she listens to Monsieur Beaujolais there bang on about dejeuner. People were more polite in the '80s, too.

With that huge tagline at the top, the paragraph doesn't look much, but it's still 140 words all in. Ah, clean electric power. I wish my stovetop looked like that.

A 'wedding photo album' format gives this ad for falling-down juice some charm. More charm than those who consume the product, at any rate. Only a small paragraph at the top, but the photo captions bump the word count up to 142.

I had to include this close-up of one of those pics above. Saucy stuff, eh? Of course, weddings are boring, but at least you might see things like this once the ordeal's over.

Amidst the rows of teacups the eye has to run the length of this double page spread and back four times to get through this 150-word essay. Is it worth it? Well read the thing and find out!

Now we're into 'more text than images' territory – something that is almost non-existent now. 163 words to get through here.

The photo dwarfs the copy but there's still 166 words about bread here. Hey, I made some bread today. Ain't that somethin'.

The 168 words here take the form of a poem. A unique approach, and this was on the inside cover, but would you read it all? (I did.)

Big pic on the left, 178 words on the right. The whole 'flowers' thing is just odd.

Another one from Cook Electric; 183 words. You do use an electric cooker, right? I hate cooking, so don't ask my opinion.

Ouch, diving into a grapefruit would sting your eyes to buggery. Don't try it. Despite a very eye-catching large image, they crammed 201 words into this one.

Interesting copy, but very long at 233 words. Most of the items being touted here are de rigueur these days. Everyone's got one of those cheese slicer things. I still like it though; there's a certain charm in the way this ad cheerfully extols the virtues of various kitchen utensils. This could also be the only place where the word 'aluminiuming' appeared in print.

As you get through this 316-word essay, try not to get hungry by looking at that cake.

Get comfy, you're up for a 442-word story about tea. I find it interesting, but then I drink tea every day, and don't mind learning about how this company got started. Also, really old photos draw the eye. The one here is from 1902.

And clocking in at a massive 461 words is this ad giving all the info you ever needed about this whisking blender thingy. Everything it does is plainly stated here, if you've got the time to get through it. Can you imagine a print ad with this much text now? No, everyone's too busy playing with themselves to take the time to get clued in on a product they are considering buying. Must distract them with brightly-coloured fluff. Also, iPhones really aren't all that great. Buy a blender instead.

Ads From The Old Days – Part 1: Video Games

In this first instalment looking at print advertising from the past, I examine a variety of video game ads dating from 1992 to 1995. I know I've referred to it as "the old days" in this post's title, but it was a couple of decades ago now. Personally I can remember those years clearly, but if you weren't born yet, I suppose they really are the old days. Although the great god Google Analytics (whom all of us Blogspot drones are beholden to) can tell us accurate stats about our viewers, it cannot tell us how old they are, so "old days" it is. Still, away with such small talk. Let's take a look at how they used to sell stuff in the British gaming press back then.

This is what passed for video game promo in 1994, kids. Now, you'd have screenshots galore, release date prominent, and a nicely Photoshopped logo, with a URL in there maybe. But back then – console logos, game title, stock art of the main character. Done. Next.

Haha, "cruisin' for a squeaky voice". It's funny 'cause 'e's gonna cut yer nadgers orf with a pair of garden shears. Anyway, what stands out to me about this one is that "Gus The World's Greatest Gamer" clearly rips off was inspired by Fido Dido, a character created about 8 years before Gus threatened to castrate those who only moderately liked Flashback.

Sega's handheld console, the Game Gear, could be turned into a portable TV. Good reception not guaranteed, of course. What's interesting here is that the kid is watching Blaze Glory which, if you click to enlarge, can be seen to be rated 'AO'. (That's 'adults only', the early '90s Australian equivalent of the M-rating.) Beats me why a kid in 1993 would be watching an old Western film from 1969 on a Game Gear screen, but who am I to question the machinations of the Sega propaganda department?

"The throbbing power between your legs" eh, let's not 'ave any of that sort of talk 'ere lads, there might be ladies present. Ha! As if. Anyway, if you once again click to enlarge and look closely, you'll see that the joypad ports on the front of the console have nothing plugged into them. Which makes me wonder where the joypad is actually plugged in. Let's wonder no further and move on.

I have no idea what this means.

Sometimes advertisements take the form of a comic strip. Nearly all the time they are cringe-worthy and incredibly puerile. There aren't many ways to disguise blatant propaganda in comics, so these ones cheerfully admit they are shameless sales tools (like their creators) and get on with the job. In any case the above is a typically cheeseballeriffic example, appearing in the very mag it was advertising, and it seems whoever put it there also saw fit to print it on the other side of the very same page.

Another example of how not to do comic strip advertising, although this one is done in fumetti style. Whoever did the layout decided to dispense with the dull rigours of having the speech balloons follow in logical order from left to right. Whatever. If you ever see 'Great Guy', give him a slap 'round the face from me.

Now this is how it's done. The then-Tottenham Court Road Computer Exchange got cartoonist Charlie Brooker to do this strip, entitled Here's Toby!!, for a year or so. There was a new one each month – none of this recycled strip nonsense. Anyway, this one has it all. Bizarre mood swings, psychotic behaviour, mindless violence and gags that were funny. There should have been a whole mag of this stuff; I'd've bought it!

"Right people, we need a Lego Technic slogan for 1995. Any ideas?"
*tumbleweed blows by*
*87 years pass*
"What about you, Poncingtonthorpethwaite?"
"Um...how about...'It's Technofunctionomical'?"
"No, that won't do at all. It's not a word, and it's stupid. Anything else?"
*long silence*
"Right, I guess we'll go with that then. By the way, what's 'Lego Technic'?"

Ha! Are you telling me footballers have evolved past the knuckle-dragging Neanderthal stage?

*flickknife is held to throat*

I retract my statement.

Here's a great way to promote a game. Don't show a single screenshot, but instead have a page-sized grotesque close-up of some dodgy geezer in a Santa hat who has nothing to do with the game. Well, I assume so. Perhaps he was the main coder or character designer, but I doubt it.

Oh looky here, it's a full-page ad with one of those stupid 'magic eye' pictures. Turn the page and there's another one with a big cartoon guy on it. If there's one thing that should be expunged from the world of visual arts it's those moronic stereogram things. I'm glad they're now obsolete. Anyone at my school who said they weren't fake got beat up and quite rightly! Be gone, Marko's Magic Football, and take your pseudo-3D quackery with you!

Believe it or not, this is what female gamers used to wear when they'd hit the SNES to play some lame wrestling game starring some loudmouthed goofball in a yellow tank top. Honest, guv'. Although I do tell a word of a lie. Because there actually weren't any female gamers back then. I really had to search around for the product name in this ad and when I finally found it, it was something I'd never heard of.
Coincidence??

When promoting a magazine that covered the 3DO, PlayStation, Saturn, Neo Geo, Jaguar, Ultra 64 and PC, why would you mention "hot babes". Whoever they are, they ain't comin' near anyone who plays video games. Nice try, "X-Gen"!

This one I like. Click to enlarge, and read this secret diary, which has been left open on a desk in full view. Bonus points for use of the term 'smegger'. But 20 years on, I still have no idea what "nearly hurled in the lantren" means. Over to you, British viewers!

Ho ho, Night Trap– the game named as one of the main catalysts for teenagers' allegiances to Satan himself, by pompous out-of-touch busybodies and underachieving lardcakes. Still, you would need incontinence jocks when playing it – because you'd piss yourself laughing at the stilted dialogue and ear-shredding singing. Still, gotta love that post code at the bottom there. PI5 5SS, indeed.

BEAST MAN. Behold, he cometh. He's my Year 9 Maths teacher, the one who wasn't a kiddy-fiddler. Good to see in primitive beastly days of yore, the monsters had access to ray-guns. Probably helped them slay the mighty mammoths and homo erectus easier than axes or chipped stone tools did. Also what's with that "Mastermix '92"? Makes it look like a naff dance music compilation CD. In the small print in the bottom corner, it makes a point of mentioning the Shadow Of The Beast logo is copyrighted. Relax, Psygnosis Limited. I'm fairly sure no one will be copying that.

Imagine a complete fantasy world...where ad designers used calligraphic fonts and sentences in all caps. Jeez, I know there were less typefaces available 20 years ago but at least try to make your cod Olde Worlde warrior talk legible, man.

Just one more, and I've saved the worst for last. I don't know about you, but when I peruse inane ad copy from the drones of Dunbartonshire, Scotland, I'd rather not, right off the bat, be called a "dweeb". I'm a potential customer, see. The last thing you want to be doing is have me insulted by a crudely-drawn Bart Simpson knock-off. Or maybe you would? Do you really think I'm a dweeb, badly-drawn Teenage Bart Simpson? My heart says no, but the look on your face tells me yes.