Compilation: Can't Beat The Music Volume 3
Released: 1992 – BMG
Number of tracks: 18
Number one singles: 1 – "Jump" by Kris Kross
Top ten singles: 4
Best track: "Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap
Hidden gem: "Gonna Get High" by The Dukes
It's been a while since I did one of these, isn't it? Seven months, to be precise. It's taken until July 6, but I finally got my first retro compilation CD for 2022, unearthed in the Bairnsdale Emporium in Victoria's Gippsland region, which you really should visit if you haven't already.
It's the third and final volume of the Can't Beat the Music series from 1992, and it's taken me nearly five years to the day to get all three. I got Volume 2 in July 2017 and Volume 1 in December 2020. So the trilogy is complete – let me fill in the stats section above and let it spin. Hmmm, the tracklisting ain't exactly setting the charts on fire, is it? After all chart music is why we're here. Maybe that was why there was no 4th volume of this. Anyway, no need to be poncy about it, let's go back in time 30 years to that magical year of 1992, when pop stars actually had personalities and IQs above negative 10. Join me, won't you?
This collection of tracks kicks off with "Please Don't Go" by K.W.S., which I learned from listening to Take 40 Australia (Saturday nights, 6:30pm, 6PM-FM Western Australia) was a cover of some hokey song from the '70s. In attempting to update it for the '90s they have managed to make it sound even more hokey with their stupid ad-libs. It comes off as sounding like a demo rather than the finished studio version of a song. The buying public sent it to number 2, so go figure.
"Take A Chance On Me" by Erasure is an ABBA cover. Personally I think the world would be better off without ABBA covers, but these guys saw fit to record an EP full of them. It got them their first and only number 1 in their native UK, so what do I know. I've heard Erasure's ABBA-esque EP cited as responsible for the ABBA revival in 1992 (there was a re-release of "Dancing Queen" charting around this time), but I can't say I'm on board with this theory. Actually, not too many people know this, but in Australia if you don't like ABBA you get deported to Stockholm for mental reprogramming, a process that usually takes ten years. Re-admittance is only granted on a successful performance of "Mamma Mia", complete with dorky actions.
Speaking of UK acts that got their first and only number 1, it's those inane bozos Right Said Fred with "Deeply Dippy". As Todd In The Shadows pointed out, which I wasn't aware of, it wasn't "I'm Too Sexy" that got them a number 1, it was this. The song everyone knows them for didn't get to number 1 in the UK, but this one did. In Australia it was different, where "I'm Too Sexy" got to number 1 but "Deeply Dippy" only managed number 38. Music arrangement-wise, it's a much better song. Gone are the tinny dance beats and amateurish recording – not that I can talk (I remember reading in Smash Hits that "I'm Too Sexy" was recorded in a gym...is this true?) – we can actually hear real instruments being played here. And what does he say right at the end? "I'm takin' a hike to Tahiti?" Is that some bizarre sexual innuendo?
"Jump" is still a great track, mind. I thought it was strange two kids the same age as me had a charting single!
"Workaholic" is next, my least favourite single by Eurodance duo 2 Unlimited (that is a very unflattering photo of them on the cover, isn't it?). He rhymes "workaholic" with "alcoholic", which is the only thing worth noting about the lyrics. It only got to number 35 in Australia, and quite rightly – it's too much of a mishmash of styles. "Get Ready For This", their debut and best single, had a clear agenda. It had elements that synced up and no part of it was superfluous. The same cannot be said about "Workaholic". It's all over the place like a lunatic's dung. However, there is one country where this bizarre cacophony got to number 1. If you can guess it right, I'll buy you a beer at the Breakfast Creek. Answer at the end of this post.
"Rhythm Is A Dancer" is one of the best dance tracks of the '90s! What a 'banger', as the 'youth of today' tend to say. Things are picking up here. Oh and then comes Faith No More with "Midlife Crisis" – written by Mike Patton when he was 24 – a great song, and deserved to get higher than number 31. I've heard this live, and it blew the roof off the joint!
After that it's the all-female rock band L7 with "Pretend We're Dead"! How edgy. Don't cut yourself on that edge, edgelords. Just kidding, it's actually a good song. Not as good as their track "Shove", but still good. I wrote a parody of it in 1992 called "Pretend We're Pink". No, I can't provide a sample of the lyrics. I used to write heaps of songs but only wrote the lyrics down if I wanted someone else to see them.
Sadly, after this point the songs get a bit obscure. I hadn't heard of, or heard, most of the remaining ten tracks. There's a song by Girl Overboard, the first song I've heard by them since 1990. They actually rock out a bit on it! Well I never. Sophie B Hawkins and Annie Lennox are in there and it's pretty forgettable. Ditto Rick Price and his off-key warbling. You will get a sugar high from all the saccharine he serves up, and your sleep patterns will be interrupted by intermittent bawling.
"Gonna Get High" by The Dukes is pretty good, just for this line: "I'm gonna get high once/I'm gonna get high twice/I'm gonna get high thrice". Yeah, I know, Bruce Springsteen has nothing to worry about. But for CENTURIES now I've been waiting for the word 'thrice' to show up in a pop song, and here it is! Hidden gem for this alone.
Rating: 5/10
Answer: Zimbabwe
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